This is a review of our positioning cruise on the Carnival Spirit.

It's written from the perspective of a veteran cruiser who has taken 15 cruises on primarily premium and luxury lines such as Cunard, Celebrity, Princess, Holland America and Seabourn, but have also cruised NCL and Premier (we were aboard the Rembrandt when she was seized last September). Like many, I had a clear idea of what Carnival was like but I was quite surprised by what I found -- impressed by some features while puzzled by others.

THE FACTS

The cruise was the three day positioning segment from San Francisco and Vancouver with a stop at Victoria BC. My partner and I traveled with a group of about 60 gay guys from San Francisco. The ship is brand new. Its maiden voyage was from Miami and LA, and prior to our boarding, she had hosted a couple of 2 day cruises for the travel industry. The Sprit is the first of its series in the Carnival line and the design has already been seen in the Costa Atlantica. Panamax- sized at 84,000 GRT and carrying 2100 passengers, she's large, but at the standard size for today's newbuilds.

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In general, the ship is superbly designed. The layout is logical and interesting. Passenger flow is excellent. Although the ship was full, it never felt crowded. There are an astonishing number of veranda cabins, and they are almost all in the middle and upper decks with good noise isolation. The cabins are excellent. They are spacious. There is good storage space with three large closets, drawers and under the daybed/sofa storage. The bathrooms are large with ample shelf space at the sink. The veranda was large enough and had good privacy. Personally, the choice of orange and peach is a bit dubious to me -- I'd prefer a more subdued design -- but the cabin functioned well. I had toured the Elation a few years ago, and I found those Fantasy-class cabins large, but stark and uninviting (a friend recently used "dorm room" to describe them). In contrast, the Spirit class cabins are a distinct improvement.

INSIDE JOE FARCUS' BRAIN

You can't discuss a Carnival ship and not talk about the decor. I had hoped to be thrilled by the vegasy audaciousness and conscious FUN of the design even if it's not my day-to-day environment of choice. I got some of that -- I was unprepared for how time and again, clumsy and awkward design choices inevitably compromised the effect.

Case in point - the Atrium. At the center of the ship, the 11 story atrium is stunning. It is a sharply vertical space which quickly narrows to a rectangular tower through the passenger decks. Along one wall is the inevitable bank of glass elevators with blinking birdcages. (Actually, no complaints from me -- they're fun ...and I've never been on a ship with this many elevators!). Along all the surfaces are art-nouveau styled curved and twined vine-like patterns. Along all beams and between all floors these patterns are rendered in bronze finished panels. They don't say anything particularly nautical -- but that's a different argument.

The lobby bar at the base of the atrium is a great meeting place. It's a very pleasant space with a good bar. The Purser's desk is tucked into a corner and the Excursion disk is opposite.

And then there's the mural.

It showed promise. The tall wall opposite the elevators is a perfect setting for a dramatic mural. The design chosen had great potential. It features soaring figures rising through twisting cloudlike surroundings toward the light at the top (which during the daytime is the red glass of the Nouveau Supper Club dome). There was a lot of latitude of how to render the mural and have it fit the surroundings - - the curves fit the nouveau stylings, but the figures could even be rendered as deco sprites, or they could have emphasized an earlier pre-raphialite approach with rosy colors and mythology ...and remember, the ship's name is the Sprit. It didn't even need to be made of expensive materials -- paint is fine (even printed panels are OK). It coulda' been great. Instead, what they put there looks like what was a brief 10 inch pastel sketch of the concept for the mural, photographically reproduced and blown up to 10 stories. The figures have the expressions, mass, energy and subtle grace I'd associate with a poster drawn by a high-school pep squad! It is hideous.

Time and time again, there was a concept for a room that was destroyed by something that made me wonder "What was Joe Farcus thinking??" (Joe Farcus is Carnival's head designer and the man behind the line's ships' designs)

The Empire Room is the ship's two deck Restaurant. It has a Napoleonic theme. There are circular wreaths galore and Empire-style furniture. The walls are wood paneling and there are green marble- finished columns and details. Located fully aft, it shares some similarity to my favorite room afloat, the Dining Room on the Celebrity Century -- but oh what a difference! First off, there is another case of "bad art" as you enter. There's a gawd-awful sculpture of Napoleon behind the Maitre d' station. If it were done better, or if there was a great place for it, that might have been OK -- instead, it was crowded and compromised itself. Against the aft, the Century has a dramatic beveled glass wall -- the Spirit has nothing like that -- the balcony wraps around all four walls. I know, there's a huge difference in the capacity, and the comparison may not be fair, but there's no excuse for ....the carpet! Ooooh that carpet. It's primary color is avocado-ish jade green. There is no other green remotely like it in the room. There is a lot of green marble and colors closer to malachite. It clashes like hell. On top of that, the carpet has a pattern with large medallions and empire-themed panels. It's far too busy and destroys what could have been a beautful room -- assuming of course that it wasn't that shade GREEN.

Other cases of "what was he thinking?" include the Lido. The Lido is covered with a brash curvy and colorful pattern of primary colors that looks Spanish or Italian. It's a very fun "Pedro Almodovar-meets Joan Mir�" contempo look. Behind the booths are bright blue mesh ironwork designs with white lights -- it plays with the ship's nouveau twists and works great. The third element however is the puzzler. Along all the doorways and beams are rust-red painted blocks and arches with mask medallions in the keystones (connected by chaser- lights). As far as I can imagine, The ghost of Gianni Versace came to him in a dream and told him what to do -- but he was too drunk to remember the details and got it all wrong

Oh, and the Louis XVI Casino -- (huh?) I have no idea why he's choose this theme. However, the walls are finished as faux-castle blocks. Unfortunately, the result looks more like cinderblock than chateau. ...and it's home to the most lonely sculpture on the ship -- behind the bar is a bronze-like statue of ol' Louis himself. It looks out of place in the space. (especially with a country-western singer sitting behind him)

On the positive side, all public lobbies and hallways have rich wood- look paneling. The carpets echo the signature nouveau patterns in a dark rust and green and look great. The stairway landings have contemporary art which, although not really my taste, is colorful and interesting and works well in the space. I wish I could say the same about the passenger corridors. The walls have alternating silk- screened panels which are just plain ugly.

Almost without exception, the furniture is a knockout. There are beautiful pieces in most of the lounges. In particular, the Deco Lounge and Club Cool. The Club Cool nightclub is a stunning room - perhaps the nicest on the ship and it's almost hidden behind a staircase with a (at the time non-functional) fountain, It's next to the Shanghai Piano Bar. (Cute room. but the volume on the performer was excruciatingly loud so we had to leave)

Other notable public rooms include the Pharaoh's Palace showroom which is excellent and perhaps the best I've seen. It covers three decks and had good sightlines and stadium-style seating on the two balconies. Beneath it is a problematic space called the Versailles Lounge. Used for cabaret and comedy -- it's out of the way and has a silly decor. Along the walls (note the curve of the hull behind) there are cheezy village scenes with twinkle lights ...but the silliest things are the Liberace-esque mini chandeliers and sconces at the end of the aisles.

The Dancin' disco was excellent. It has a two-deck design with a video wall against the two-story-high lighted dance floor. Best of all is its positioning. Tucked-in next to the lower level of the Restaurant and the Galley, it's accessible yet isolated from disturbing cabins and quiet areas.

DINING AT THE TOP - THE NOUVEAU SUPPER CLUB

The first night we had dinner in the Nouveau Supper Club. This has great potential -- but like everything else aboard, finished short of totally successful. Like most new ships, (but a first for Carnival) the Spirit has an alternative restaurant, the Nouveau Supper Club. The room has an alternate menu with huge prime steaks and authentic Joe's Stone Crab.

There is a $15 surcharge, reservations are required, and jackets are requested. It was initially unclear what the $15 covered -- the food upgrade, tips for the specialized service staff or both. There was no note of additional tip in the pre-cruise documentation, but we were told that tips were not included when I made the reservation. When we received the bill at the end of the night, the line for gratuities was already filled in as "0." I asked the waitress to clarify and was told something like "the computer closes out the bill, but cash is appreciated most anyway." I then ran down to the cabin to dig some money out of our safe. (Our cabin was somewhat nearby.) This whole exchange was unnecessarily awkward. I have no problem adding a tip on top of the bill -- our waitresses were excellent -- it was just a clumsy and crass exchange at the end of a generally wonderful meal. This is Carnival's first experience with alternate dining and I'm certain this will be rectified in the future.

Likewise, I hope that they will straighten-out the wine service. Shortly after we sat down, our sommelier introduced herself, presented the wine list, and expected us to order -- even though we hadn't yet seen the dinner menu and didn't know what we were going to eat. We ordered drinks and waited to order wine. Once we DID order our wine, we never saw the Wine Steward until we sent out a plea for her (and our wine) as our entrees were being delivered. We had no wine for our first two courses. We then were treated to an elaborate decanting procedure complete with candle. When a tablemate tasted the wine and examined the cork, the Sommelier crassly told him that he needed a verbal judgment and never acknowledged his (obvious) nod and a polite assent that the wine was acceptable.

This mixture of upscale pretensions and semi-clueless execution was evident throughout the meal. When it came time to order, we were treated to a show-and-tell with meat. The waitresses rolled-out a display cart with massive hunks of raw meat on it, which they used as props during their descriptions of the entrees (we're talking 20 oz porterhouse steaks.) Somewhat brash -- but I could go there. ...however, what rendered the whole exercise totally clueless was that each piece of meat was carefully wrapped in saran wrap. I don't know if this is the result of some strange CDC rule or what -- however the display pieces obviously would not be served, and if I were the management, I'd forget the whole presentation rather than showcase meat props laminated by kitchen wrap!

Let me be very clear -- although some of these procedures were questionable, the meal itself was fabulous. I had a wonderfully flavorful double lamb chop on a cassoulet-style bean ragout, a tablemate raved about the stone crab, and his partner said his filet was perfect. Our two waitresses were very professional and handled the tableside service with aplomb. The Supper Club has its own grill - - and each item from the amusee at the start of the meal to the little chocolates at the conclusion -- was excellent. Even with the rough spots described, the meal was superior to the "Le Bistro" experience on our recent cruise on the Norwegian Majesty.

The last part of the experience has to do with the design of the room -- and again, it just didn't work. The Supper Club is located on the top two decks at the pinnacle of the atrium. The ceiling to the space is sloping red glass which is integrated into the base of the signature Carnival funnel. The top deck overlooks the dance floor at the center of the main floor. This is a dramatic space, which cries for a knockout sophisticated drama. Instead, the room is mostly nondescript, with brash bands of primary-colored tiles which take the clue from the Lido below. During dinner, the vocalist and accompanist performed mostly in the dark, preferring to compensate in volume what they lacked in illumination -- a number of diners had difficulty conversing. Finally, this room cries for a snazzy pre-dinner cocktail lounge. There IS a small bar at the back of the room on the starboard side -- but it's somewhat hidden. We dined with another couple and each couple independently thought of grabbing an pre- dinner cocktail, went to the Supper Club, didn't see a bar, and went back down to the lobby lounge.

Lastly, there's the glass staircase. >From the Lido deck, the main stairway to the Nouveau Supper Club above is via a curved glass (yes!) staircase that is suspended 9 decks above the atrium. It's showy, but this IS a showy ship. Luckily, there are metal bars beneath each step which makes it less scary -- and for the nervous, there is elevator and conventional stairway access at the sides. It's a flashy -- but mostly successful -- bit of design.

FOOD SERVICE

To adequately review the meals onboard -- I must separate those two words, "food" and "service." In general, the food was good (especially the main courses) but the service staff was obviously overworked. It was a short cruise and we only had three days aboard, so we only had two dinners, one lunch and one breakfast in the Restaurant, the welcome lunch and two breakfasts in the Lido, and dinner in the supper club as just described.

The dinners in the Restaurant were a mixed bag. The entrees were fine. Experience has shown that beef items are usually the most reliable on mainstream ships (I don't care for lobster) -- and the prime rib and the New York strip items were tasty and prepared to the requested degree of doneness (medium-rare). The salads and starters were okay -- the caesar salad was good, but the cucumber and tomato salad suffered from very "durable" cucumber skins which I was still picking out of my teeth four hours later. Freshness didn't appear to be an issue with the salads, but the bread basket appeared to contain mostly dried-out leftovers from the deli counter of the Lido upstairs.

There was no Wine Steward in the Restaurant. The waiters recited the recommended wine of the day, which was usually something from Kendall- Jackson (not a BAD choice, for mainstream, price-conscious tastes but certainly uninspired -- and I wonder what kickback CCL gets for "featuring" their wine). Our waiter was pleasant and eager to help -- but he was obviously overworked and/or undertrained. He seemed to think that the way to provide the best service was to make sure that we had enough to eat and continually offered to bring extra portions. (Although I will occasionally order two entree items or ask that a starter be served as a main course -- we aren't the type of folks who order four servings on "lobster night" or judge a meal by the quantity of food served.)

Both nights our waiter dropped-off the "special" dessert before he ran off for that night's performance. I really don't know exactly when the ability to provide helpful and knowledgeable table service became less important than the dance steps a waiter can execute during a silly after-dinner production -- but I'd sure like to see those priorities re-examined.

The Maitre d' won the smarmy staff member award. Before the waiters came out, he strolled around the Dining Room, microphone in hand, crooning Frank Sinatra tunes. The effect reminded me of Mel Brooks singing "High Anxiety" in the film of the same name. On the final night, he sang "My Way" which seemed to be an unusual choice ...somehow, I thought something more service-oriented or passenger-centric would be more appropriate (The "chewed it up and spit it out" verse was particularly questionable)

In spite of all that hoo-ha -- there was no baked Alaska parade on the final night. Personally, I've seen enough of 'em -- but we were cruising with first-timers, and it has always been part of the experience, so I told them to expect it -- and I think we both felt cheated.

On a positive note, they didn't sing "We Are The Children" or "God Bless America."

The grand buffet was both figuratively and literally cheezy -- set up in the center of the Empire Restaurant. Each buffet station was capped with one of three types of decorative centerpieces -- ice sculpture (there was only one), spray-painted styrofoam, or a bas- relief carved into orange blocks of cheese. The sight of two Corinthian columns of cheddar is not something I'll forget easily (try as I might).

BARS, DRINK SERVICE AND THE LACK THEREOF

Before this cruise, I had heard passenger complaints of being hounded to buy a drink - especially in the souvenir glass of the day. My experience was quite the opposite. We usually had to go to the bar and order our drinks. There were very few cocktail servers around. This was the case at all hours and in all rooms.

I have no explanation for this. Drink service is obviously a revenue- generator for the line, and let's be frank -- alcohol consumption is a key ingredient in a party or "Fun" occasion -- so perhaps that's why this Fun Ship never got to be too fun!

On a positive note -- there have been complaints about communication difficulties with non-native English speaking staff. There was only one occasion where there was a real problem -- unfortunately that was in the Shanghai Bar where any communication was difficult owing to the amplified volume of the performer. (I bet it was way up to 11)

ENTERTAINMENT AND CRUISE STAFF

Again, this trip confounded expectations in one regard, and provided experiences on both ends of the scale. The good news (don't broadcast it, please) -- There were few announcements on the PA during the day. I believe there were morning and afternoon announcements by the Cruise Director and the traditional Captain's daily announcement of position, speed and weather (...love that beaufort scale!) I had expected endless announcements all day long telling us how we were going to have fun, where others were having fun and how to purchase reminders of how much fun we had. This was not the case. This element alone was perhaps most responsible for keeping me away from Carnival in the past; I'm grateful that if it HAD been the case, that the announcement policy is now relatively restrained.

The two production shows were the best and the worst I've seen. The inevitable showtune revue was titled "Standing Room Only" -- it was superb. These shows walk a fine line in their choice of numbers between the familiar and the overdone and this production managed it perfectly. Starting from a "Fosse Fosse Fosse" set and highlighting shows including Kiss Me Kate, Cabaret, Guys and Dolls, Miss Saigon, Lion King and West Side Story - it had great pacing, good segues between the numbers and sets and no hokey storyline. The staging was flashy, and the "naughty bits" were fun and titillating yet creative and professionally-performed.

The final show, "High Spirits" was terrible. The concept of the show was shaky and many of the numbers had potential to insult or alienate any number of passengers including Native Americans, the strictly religious, and non-Christians (and I should warn some of my fellow citizens of SF ...probably Wiccans as well ). Most importantly, it had lousy pacing and just plain didn't work.

A real treat was the "Derek Hines Quintet." Derek Hines is a superb vocalist who sings jazz and standards with his superb combo. I believe he's a member of the famous Hines family. Fantastic. We discovered them late in the cruise -- I'll keep an eye out for them both on further cruises and in town. Unfortunately, the show we attended was disturbed by loud oafs pouring into the Versailles Room awaiting the X-Rated comedian to follow.

The Cruise Staff were fine. Again, I had visions of perpetually perky fun-meisters -- Shawn Bussey the Cruise Director was spunky but not irritatingly so. We have our very own plastic trophy for winning the trivia contest (better than the keychain from the QE2, but not as nice as the coffeepot from Win Ben Stein's Money).

Our group wuz robbed of a second plastic trophy. The first morning featured a "Hairy Chest Contest" ...Let me take a bit of a digression. We were traveling with a group of sixty "bears" -- defined most succinctly as "big hairy gay guys." Among our crowd, beards and hair (front AND back) are good things and are often found on a bear of large size. ...now back to the narrative... The contest was won by a little man who literally shaved his chest. (We talked to friends later) He WAS a member of a large, loud group up front who DID also include the women called up as judges. He won against four bears who sported sizeable hair-mats Bitter? Nooooo ...it was all in good fun ...really it was ...no, really.

IT'S NOT JUST FUN, IT'S GAY

An inevitable question was how were we treated as an obvious (I'd assume) gay group. There was no problem. Our fellow cruisers treated us as we treated them. There was no question or attitude from room stewards, photographers, wait staff or any of the cruise staff. I'm not surprised -- that's been our experience on all our previous cruises and it was true here.

During our group's private party, the DSM welcomed the group and stressed that they were happy to have us aboard and the were taking steps to convince groups that may have not considered the line in the past - that "Today's Carnival" is for everyone. I know they worked with a local AIDS charity for 200 cabins, and I suspect that a large group of African Americans from Oakland may have also been part of this initiative.

I appreciate the effort. Frankly, I never expected that the line, itself would be prejudiced, but now if I hear some blowhard making an accusation, I have some actual experience to offer to the discussion.

WOULD I TAKE ANOTHER CARNIVAL CRUISE?

Yes. However, it's probably low in the priority list.

Each line has its own personality and style. Although my Carnival experience was very different from what I expected -- I still prefer a different focus than the line offers. As is no doubt obvious from this revue, I honestly DO care about decor -- my surroundings are important when I'm on vacation, and Joe Farcus-world is not for me. To a large degree, it's not about the glitz, it's about the bad glitz. ...but even if the glaring problems I noticed were ameliorated, I still prefer a design more oriented to the sea and which recalls a nautical tradition.

Furthermore, when on the lazy-man's vacation that is a cruise, I like excellent service, I want well-prepared food, served by attentive waiters from the European tradition. I like friendly and attentive cocktail staff who remember my drink preferences. This doesn't seem to be a priority for Carnival, so we'll be more disposed to premium lines which offer this.

For those who claim that there is no difference anymore between the lines' products -- I beg to differ. There ARE differences. The ships may be similar, Carnival may be upgrading, and lines like RCI and Celebrity may be slipping -- but although the differences may be minor to you -- there still are real differences in shipboard environment, service, food and attitude which may be significant to others.

I WOULD readily take a cruise again on a variation of this ship when the corporation takes the design to their Holland America subsidiary. The layout of the ship is excellent.

It was an enjoyable cruise. There were parts that were wonderful -- and certainly these complaints were pretty trivial compared to the whole experience. I'm glad I took the cruise -- it was a great mini- vacation, Victoria was delightful... and I know of no experience which continues to stir me my primal roots, than simply standing on deck and watching the sea. Always magnificent!