I am sure many of you remember certain travel web sites having people in their message boards and reader-submitted reviews who appeared to be average, paying consumers extoling the virtues of certain cruise lines as if they were average customers. But in reality they were secretly being compensated by the cruise line with free samples and invitations to special events.

Well, we now know the FTC wasn’t happy when they saw this happening last year, and so they just changed the rules about relationships between product suppliers and Internet bloggers and other “word of mouth marketers” - for the first time in 30 years - since 1980.

Beginning December 1st, 2009, Internet “Bloggers and word of mouth marketers” who review products online must disclose any connection they have with the companies whose products they are writing about even if they only received a free sample or gift. If the blog is actually paid advertising that must be fully disclosed.

Most message board “champions” of certain products were hand-selected because they had already shown an affinity for the product. So the product supplier was pretty sure they were going to say positive things. Furthermore, most of these beneficiaries wrote mostly glowing reviews, even though the supplier used the excuse they did not know what they were going to say, because they believed that the longer they remained on the suppliers “friendly” list the more free stuff they would receive.

All that, last year excused by certain web sites as having “consumer focus groups” is now officially against FTC rules and rules breakers are subject to substantial fines. In fact, the FTC also added that whether or not the supplier knew what the bloggers planned to say about the product makes no difference, the full $11,000 fine still applies for failing to disclose the free gift.

Here at CruiseMates we say “bravo,” and we knew all along that this practice smelled fishy.

CruiseMates has always disclosed the fact that we will take a complimentary cruise to see certain ships, because there is literally no other way to create a full set of cruise line and ship reviews. The cost of planning, flying and taking these cruises would far outweigh the possible financial gains from creating such a folio.

We disclose this in our “About Us” section, and also in the “About our Cruise Reviews” area explaining our system of reviewing cruise ships. We have also taken note that we seem to be the only cruise review site that makes this disclosure, even though we know for a fact there are no other sources of cruise reviews anywhere that cover all of the main cruise lines like we do that do not take free cruises the vast majority of the time.

Furthermore, we are the only site to have taken an oath not to let our relationships with the cruise lines color our judgement of the cruise ships. To take that a step farther, we have deliberately designed our cruise ship reviews to focus on factual attributes of cruise ships; dress codes, stateroom sizes, tipping policies, extra costs, age and size of ships, number of passengers, passenger/space ratio, etc., instead of writing cruise reviews that focus on our own personal opinions about what we experienced.

We now challenge other cruise sites to also fully disclose their relationships to the cruise lines. If any site is taking free trips, we would like them to disclose that fact. We realize It isn’t up to us to enforce this ruling, but we don’t mind saying we are glad the FTC is watching.

I believe CruiseMates was the first web site to disclose we take complimentary trips supplied by the cruise lines, although the practice of disclosure is very common in newspapers. Perhaps that is why this ruling does not apply to “traditional media” such as magazines. We think that is wrong, and so do many of the other bloggers protesting this new ruling. But unlike most, we do agree with the ruling in principle, even if it is not being applied to all media.

After 10 years, we feel you know that we are not afraid to be critical when it is warranted, and we have plenty of examples. So, we applaud the FTC move because we truly believe it will improve the quality of travel reviews on the Internet. We are also very happy to be vindicated in our open disclosure policy and proud to be able to say we didn’t need a federal agency to threaten us with substantial fines before we knew the right thing to do.

To further clarify: First) giving away the free sample is not a violation, nor is taking the free sample. Even taking the free sample and writing about it positively is not a violation. Taking the free sample and writing positively about it without disclosing that you were compensated by the company is a violation.

Second) It does not matter that there is no specific contract - in other words even if the supplier does not know what the blogger is going to say when they give away the free product - if the blogger gets any compensation from the supplier at all the nature of the relationship with the supplier must be disclosed.

For that matter, how much time do you spend planning your next cruise? Do you weigh your options for months, letting your ideas percolate in your subconscience, or do you tend to book your cruise spontaneously, as in “its been 12 months, time to cruise again,” and you have one schedule by the end of next day?

I wonder about these things. I know a lot of cruises are taken each month. Some are short getaways while others are epic voyages of a lifetime. I also believe that the mainstream “contemporary lines probably a larger share of impulse trips, while the premium and luxury cruise lines get the voyages that people plan for ages.

I know different kinds of people prefer different cruise lines, but the question what kind of person do certaon cruise lines attract? I have a theory that Carnival attracts more free spirited people. Carnival has that certain, how do you say je ne sais qua, that just makes you feel giddy from the second you walk onboard. The crew is not just friendly, they displays a real sense of humor. And the decor alone is enough to make you feel crazy, because it’s so over the top it actually confounds logic.

“It looks like the decorator raided a colorblind golfer’s closet and used the plaid pants with a striped shirt and a paisly tie,” I once remarked to a Carnival staffer. He just rolled his eyes at me and said “Well, I never heard that one before.” (he had).

My theory is that Carnival ships have turquoise stained wood-grain panels with pink lizard borders skin just to obliterate all sense of normalcy. The more you try to make sense of it the crazier you get, and I think that was their plan all along.

But Carnival ships are about a lot more than decor, especially if you like funny human tricks like hairy chest and belly flop contests, conga lines, singing waiters who are Elvis one night (only the women) and Carmen Miranda the next (only the men). This is not an intellectual cruise line, these are “Fun Ships,” and they are serious about that.

Royal Caribbean is more intellectualized fun. What ship nerd can’t apprciate that Oasis of the Seas will be almost twice as big as anything Carnival currently has sailing? It will be the biggest passenger ship ever - by far. That’s a truly impressive factoid. If you have already wondered what kind of wind resistance effect Central Park will create you’re a ship nerd and perfect for Oasis.

I think it is cool that Oasis will have an AquaTheater with underwater stage lifts topped off by the first zipline on a cruise ship. I like that it will have a bar that is also an elevator to move people from an indoor deck to an outdoor one. I like that it will have a real park at sea with real trees and grass - longer than a football field. I like that it will have an ice rink with a Zamboni.

NCL is the cruise line for individualists. I love the look and feel of NCL ships, although they will probably take some ribbing for the top-heavy appearance of Norwegian Epic set to debut next year. Still, on the inside their ship decor is daring and audacious. Their nightclubs feature suggestive purple velvet sofas the size of queen size beds. They have a huge variety of dining options onboard, and the staterooms are unlike any other ships- with coffee makers, even.

The best description I can muster for the new F3 staterooms on Epic is sensual, with curvy walls, cool colors and adjustable mood lighting, plus separate rooms for the shower and commode. The suites on NCL are some of the poshest anywhere - with huge flatscreen televisions, midi-controlled baby grand pianos and jet-tubs on the balconies. Epic will have world’s first “Ice-Bar” at sea - a completely frozen room where everything is made of ice - the bar, tables, chairs, drinking glasses.

Okay - Maybe I have already lost some people talking this way. These folks think NCL is too cheeky, Carnival is too presumptuous and Royal Caribbean ships are just too big. These people generally like small cruise ships that spend quiet days at sea.

I do respect this attitude. These are real ship people. They love to be out on deck feeling the hot wind cut through their hair - or what’s left of it. All they need is a 360-degree blue sea horizon, a good book and a cool drink. No, they don’t want the reggae band or the sexy legs contest.

I like small ships, too, but generally not for too many days at sea. I get too lazy on cruises like that. I find myself thinking about lunch at 11:00 a.m. and a nap after lunch. Sounds tough, right? Oh, it is. I get so relaxed that I don’t even want to dress for dinner, and if you miss dinner on a small ship at sea you miss one of the highlights of the day.

I love small ships best when they are taking me to interesting places. I was lucky enough to take Silversea to Egypt. The tours were amazing; Petra in Jordan, Karnak and the Valley of the Kings on the upper Nile. Our suite was the perfect retreat from a day in Wadi Rum, Jordan, where the desert scenes of Lawrence of Arabia were filmed.

The smallest ship I was ever one was American Safari in Alaska. We watched humpback whales bubble-feeding in a pack of 12. This is a memory of a lifetime. I saw a wild mother brown bear catching salmon and feeding her cubs who were barely old enough to walk.

I also had a chance to sail on Crystal Serenity last year on a 16-day cruise with only four ports of call - about 12 days at sea. I did not get bored once because Crystal does such an amazing job with their onboard enrichment classes and entertainment. I could take in a recently released movie any day, in 16 days they did not repeat any of them. I took piano and computer lessons, listened to NFL coaches tell football stories and borrowed DVDs from the library all day long.

Crystal has the best food of any cruise line I have been on. Every meal was a highlight. I am not a butler person, they tend to make me nervous, but Papa knew exactly how to anticipate our needs. One night he insisted on bringing us a lobster dinner to enjoy on our veranda. With wine and the rushing sea below it was magical. We had another meal of nothing but cheese and caviar where we hosted a Princeton professor and his wife who was onboard as guest lecturer on International Law. We discussed how piracy spawned the concept of international law. He kept saying, “remember, Hostis Humani Generis,” a concept first developed by Cicero and Aristotle that sea pirates are enemies of humanity, not just any one nation.

I also love river cruises. I once sailed from Moscow to Saint Petersburg on the Stalin Canal - going places in Russia I never knew existed. That was on Viking River and it was one of my best cultural trips ever. We saw the Kremlin, the unbelievable Moscow Circus and the Kirov ballet in St Petersburg. I had already scene the Hermitage and the Summer Palace from previous trips on Renaissance.

Renaissance Cruises - we took a trip to Israel once where we floated in the Dead Sea, saw the Dead Sea Scrolls and walked along the Via Dolorosa - the path Jesus took when he carried the cross to the Mount of the Holy Sepulchar. What can you say about experiences like this?

These are all cruise experiences - the richest rewards ever in my life except my wife. I am so thankful for these experiences. Cruising - embrace it and love it, and it will love you back.

Many of you know that Cruisemates was started by Anne Campbell and Paul Motter in 1999. In 1999 the advertising revenue model of the Internet was still new. Most cruise lines didn’t even have Web sites yet (most of them finally got online in 2000). Some of them started out with famously bad sites that had to be reinvented from scratch. We reinvented ourselves a few times.

10 years is an eternity in Internet time. Most people did not even know what the Internet was before 1995 - when Amazon was introduced. In that context CruiseMates is practically a reptile of Internet history.

History…. we started with a nightly cruise chat, basic message boards, cruise reviews, cruise news and bargains listings, a newsletter and virtual cruises. Our first article, a feature by Kuki with an original picture by Paul Motter, showed our humorous side and won a lot of converts to our site immediately. Here it is in its original form: Middle Aged and Sexy.

We also had the support of several excellent cruise and travel writers who are still around; Fran Golden, Sam and Arline Bleecker and Mary Ann Hemphill. Honestly, we wouldn’t have made it without these fine folks and so I extend a warm and special thank you.

We innovated some ideas for travel content on the Internet. We were among the first cruise sites to use video inside of a cruise feature article, as early as 2000 for the introduction of Costa Atlantica in Venice. We started a service we called “cruise bazaar” where people could tell us what kind of cruise they were looking for and travel agents could bid on the price - there was no money made there, just a free service. That was before most cruise lines implemented flat pricing policies which has changed this concept into something different today.

We were accepting user-submitted cruise reviews long before most major hotel and destination sellers were doing so (although I cannot say we invented that idea, it was not so common). We also had one of the first complete sets of cruise line and ship reviews online.

How has the industry changed in the last 10 years?

In 1999 the biggest story was the introduction of Voyager of the Seas. At the time the ship was doing what Oasis is about to do, take cruise ships to an entirely new dimension. We heard, “it’s too big, you’ll never get me on that thing.”

Now towards the end of 2009 we are close to the launch of Oasis of the Seas, the newest “World’s Largest Cruise Ship.” Perhaps what is most amazing is that during the intervening 10 years there have not been that many ships built that exceed the size of Voyager from ten years ago. Only four larger have been built so far, three Freedom-class from Royal Caribbean and Queen Mary from Cunard. Norwegian Epic will be bigger when she is introduced next May. Oasis and her sister ship Allure will also be bigger. That is only seven actual vessels bigger than the biggest cruise ship built ten years ago, and only two not from Royal Caribbean. That says something about Royal Caribbean.

Since the Freedom-class is largely based upon the Voyager-class, what we have really seen is a ten-year cycle for the next generation of ships to emerge converging with the lifetime of CruiseMates so far. Soon, with Oasis of the Seas and Norwegian Epic, we are about to embark on a new cycle in the cruise industry.

Between September 11 and the current economic meltdown it has been a challenging decade. What were some of the major changes in the last ten years?

There was the acquisition of NCL by Star Cruises of Malaysia (and now Apollo Management as an equal partner). There was the brutal battle for Princess Cruises - originally announced as a merger with Royal Caribbean to create the biggest cruise company in the world. Then Carnival upped the ante and won the shareholders only to have the deal face a year of scrutiny by the Trade Commissions here and in Europe before approval.

There was the demise of Renaissance Cruises only to spawn two brand new highly regarded cruise lines; Oceania Cruises and Azamara.

There was end of the marriage of two ships, Independence and Patriot of the United States Lines (formerly America Hawaii Lines), which also merged with Delta Queen Steamboats to become American Classic Voyages. Unfortunately, all of those ships have now gone away and the state of U.S.-flagged cruise lines is at its worst ever.

There was the highly laudable effort by NCL to create a fully U.S.-flagged cruise line in Hawaii with NCL-America. They committed years of struggle to create a three-ship American-flagged and crewed cruise line sailing in U.S. waters, only to see it struggle financially due to union costs and the inability to compete with other cruise markets. NCL also lost its flagship, the Norway, to a devastating explosion, and acquired the SS United States only to find it an unprofitable prospect. If you ever had to give a company credit for trying it would be NCL, and now the company is finally reporting that it is doing better than ever. NCL-America is down to one U.S.-flagged ship.

As for CruiseMates, we were acquired by Internet Brands in 2006 and that has been a beneficial alliance with a solid company that has kept us growing through good times and now through tougher economic times.

And what about the Internet, how has that changed? I was a Seatrade conference in 1999 where somebody said “in ten years there will not a single cruise sale that does not have at least one Internet component.” I believe it he was exactly right. Whether the original cruiser does his research online and books directly over the Internet, or the travel agent books it online for the cruiser, or if the cruise documents are printed from the Internet, at some point every almost cruise sold today has some kind of Internet component (with rare exceptions, of course).

CruiseMates is so proud to have played a part in the early days of the Internet cruise world. 10 years online makes us an institution in the abbreviated world of Internet time. And so this year I have a list of people to thank for contributing to the success of Cruisemates:

First of all, I have to single out Kuki who has been with CruiseMates since day one and is still here today. I was just watching his video as a stand up comic on the last John Heald Blogger’s Cruise. I honestly don’t know what we would have done without him.

He has coordinated all of the CruiseMates Cruises and will be hosting the upcoming culinary cruise we have scheduled on Norwegian Epic with Matt Sigel from Hell’s Kitchen. Over the years we have had dozens of successful Cruisemates cruises and we will continue to host these as long as we can.

I also want to thank the following people for letting us be in their world:

Anne Campbell
Fran Golden
Mary Ann Hemphill
Sam and Arline Bleecker
Ben Lyons
Ted Scull
Pat Hagan
Luisa Frey
Michael Lari
Mike Mastellar
Gaile (Tweety)
Y2C
Jim Bragg
Donna Nye
Art Sbarsky
Jim Glab
Mary Lou Scanlon
Linda Pearl
Tim Rubacky
Dan Pollulak
Ingrid (mermaid)
Judy Cuervo
Todd de Haven
Lou Ann Kane
Alex Gaynor
Todd de Haven
Donna Belanger
Carol Mendelssohn
Nate Andrews
John McGanty
Rita Ippoliti
Triton
Brad Ball
Julie Benson
Jackie Chase
Jen de la Cruz
Dana Dominici
Erik Elvejord
Vance Gulliksen
Elizabeth Jakeway
John Primeau
Tracy Quan
Courtney Recht
Rick Sasso
Gordon Thorne
Mimi Weisband

Press Coverage by:
Chris Elliot
Laura Bly
Gene Sloan
Anita Potter
Spud Hilton
Peter Greenberg
CNN
ABC World News
The View

Of course all of our advertisers who have supported us for many years: Cruise agencies and cruise lines. Frank del Rio of Oceania for being one of our first advertisers (Renaissance at the time) and Ron Russo of Best Price Cruises, Pat Neidhart of Cruises-N-More, Nancy Bogert, Brad Anderson of America’s Vacation Center, Alan Fox of Vacations to Go. iCruise, CruiseBrothers, CruiseCompete and all the rest. Royal Caribbean, Celebrity, NCL, Holland America, Oceania Cruises, Avalon, Red October.

Thank you!

Right now a lot of our readers are talking about a book called “Cruise Confidential,” which was supposedly written by an American man who worked on a Carnival cruise ship as a waiter. They find it fascinating because it exposes a perspective of cruising they don’t usually get to see - the life of a crewmember working on a cruise ship.

A ship is very unique in that you have two sets of people coexisting onboard with vastly different perspectives. You, as a passenger, are in your world as a guest, while the crew is in their own world as the “working class.” You have a nice stateroom shared with your loved ones and dine in a restaurant where you get the best food onboard and five-star service. They live in smaller cabins, separated from their loved ones and often sharing a room with a stranger, and they eat whatever they are given in a bland room where they have to stand in line and clean up after themselves.

You are both on the same ship, but they see it much differently than you do. Now, am I saying crew life is bad? Not at all, most crewmembers on any ship will tell you they love their jobs and would be devastated if they were fired. It is that it is a job, not a vacation. But here is the upside - a crewmember’s free time is not much different from your cruise. They are in the same beautiful destinations and they go to the same attractions as you do. Crewmembers also have the advantage of being able to visit the same place more than once so they don’t have the “one day” limitation many vacationers cite as a drawback of cruising. It is a good life.

How do crewpeople see you? The truth is they see you as their job first of all. They are there to serve you and you will soon be gone, leaving nothing behind but your tip and your ratings on a comment card. Compared to the other crewmembers who are their peers and friends and who will continue to be in their lives long after you are gone you are personally just not as important to them.

Does this mean they don’t enjoy meeting or talking to you? Not at all. In fact meeting passengers is very refreshing to crewmembers who only have each other to talk to for months at a time. But they are really not likely to get too personally invested in your life, because their lifes are always in a kind of transition. No one lives on a cruise ship, they are always just working on one temporarily until the next thing comes along - even if that is just another ship.

I realize this because I worked on ships and know how crewmembers think. Most crewmembers are genuinely honest, intelligent and considerate people. They do not resent or dislike you, and they certainly are not oplotting to steal from you. Any room stward who has reports of “strangely missing items” more than once is not going to last long. Their most important goal is to make you happy. It really isnt that complicated. If you give them good reports they get rewarded, directly or indirectly, with money, advancement and job security.

Just like you have probably wondered what it is like to work on a cruise ship they also wonder what it is like to be a guest on a cruise ship - they see you but they don’t have any idea how it really feels. I have to admit that when I worked on a ship I thought, “boy, when I have a chance to sail on a cruise ship someday as a guest I certainly won’t get dressed up for dinner, or ever go to another life boat drill, or speak politely to the captain just because he is the captain.”

What is funny (are you listening cruise “experts” who have never actually cruised more than one or two times) is that once you become a regular cruiser your ideas change a great deal. They way you thought you would be as a regular passenger becomes entirely different. You learn to love the tradition and elegance of cruising. You respect the civility of it, out of respect for the institution of passenger vessels.

And so that is one of the many “two worlds of cruising.” The crewmember’s perspective and the guest’s perspective. Both are experiencing exactly the same ship at the same time, but each is having a completely different experience. Kind of cool, right?

Now please don’t think you don’t matter to the crew. Crewpeople vary and you can tell pretty quickly what their attitude is when you talk to them.

While some are just there to do a job and others really enjoy getting to know you, most of them fit into the vast middle ground. The ones you interact with the most, your room steward and waiter, are the ones who will try hardest to get to know you. If you engage them and are nice and interesting they will like you because you make their job more fun and interesting. If you generally ignore them they will do the same to you, and if you only talk to them when you have a problem they will do their job and little more for you. They are people just like you but as crewpeople they take their cues from you.

Here is another “two worlds of cruising.” Cruise lines have two distinct areas of operations - onboard and onshore. This divergence is far less apparent to you as a passenger but it is very real to the cruise line employees. These days, more than ever, far more of what happens on every cruise is managed from the shore. Shoreside now has the ability to see into receipts and food stores and to know exactly how each cruise is progressing.

In the old days a “cruise report” was typed up and filed at the end of each cruise describing any problems and how they were resolved. Ship management was very autonomous and the captain really was king of the realm. Not anymore.

These days problems are known to shoreside almost as quickly as they are known onboard. A captain or hotman (hotel manager) cannot call an audible anymore when there is a problem. They need to consult with management on shore and discuss the best approach before they make any moves.

Now, this doesn’t mean there isn’t still a divergence. Every ship has people working on it who have never worked shoreside, and every cruise line has shore people who have never worked on ships. There will always be procedures that “shoreside” wants that “shipside” won’t agree with - the difference is that these days shipside can rarely get away doing things their way and not telling management as much as they used to. But they can tell management they are taking charge and wait and see what the consequences are. And that depends on your job security and track record.

Ship people have to live and work together, but hiring and placement is done in the home office, not from the ships. You work with whomever you are given. Itineraries are decided shoreside, but the ship staff has to take people there, organize port talks, shore tours, security, interfacing with local officials, pilots, etc. Naturally, what is best for the company is not always going to be what is best for the crew. Pretty complicated when you think about it.

Shoreside makes the decisions and shipside carries them out. The crew has to answer to passengers and live with the ratings when all is said and done. All guts and no glory - somethings about being a sailor have not changed at all. Picture being a crewmember given a new procedure, like “we are firing all sommelliers, and the waiters will now recommend and serve wine.” Not only do the waiters have to learn a whole new set of skills, but they also have to live with the results - like lower tips.

In my job I have even had instances where I was told by the ship staff they don’t mind me criticizing the cruise line procedure on something. They have told me, “we have been trying to get them to change it for six months, maybe now they will believe us.” Interesting, isn’t it?

Finally, the last “two worlds” of the cruise lines are those who build the ships and the guests who pay to sail on them. All a cruise line can do is offer you what they think you want, but if they are wrong or if they fail to execute they pay the price. It is pretty interesting to think a cruise line must commit a billion dollars to one ship and not even have a chance to do market research before it is put on sale. Kind of like a blockbuster movie - but 10-times more expensive. You build it and hope for the best reviews. Yes, there have been duds before.

And when those two worlds are not in agreement the other two worlds also come apart; passenger vs. crew and shoreside vs. shipside. Who was at fault for a bad cruise? Was it a tough group of passengers or was it the crew? Was it shipboard management or shoreside? For that matter, was it the managers onboard or their subordinates?

Ships are known for being very tidy operations. When everything in any given project is working ideally it is said to be in “ship shape.” On ships, efficiency is everything, there is no waste and no room for error. You can’t get a spare part and you can’t replace a worker who quits. Timing, teamwork and attention to detail are what make ships work.

There are many ways to look at the word, “teamwork.” Two groups of people sharing a common activity are a team. But sometimes teams compete against each other. Teamwork is a concept that couldn’t apply to many things as well as it applies to ships. Just something to ponder the next time you are on a cruise.

My wife and I were watching the silly Pixar movie WALL-E recently. In the plot the planet earth can no longer sustain any kind of life. Our eyes were glazed over from this cartoon that doesn’t even have any dialogue for the first hour, when suddenly it put us on space ship. I mean a cruise ship. I mean a space cruise ship. That’s right, it turns out the plot of this movie includes the last of humanity surviving an ecological crisis while they were away on a space cruise.

Listen, if you ever want to get discouraged about cruise people just watch this movie. You will never see us exactly the same way again. The “people” have morphed into spaceblobs - nothing more than gelatinous, amorphous water balloons with hair and faces.

They live in anti-gravity Lazyboy recliners that shuttle them past the swimming pool and straight to the buffet lines. Any food they want they can summon from service robots as long as they can literally lift a finger and hit their call button. At night, robots roll them from the chair to a bed.

It is hard to describe how horrible these cartoon human balloons look - like an adult Pebbles Flintstone on a tapioca diet. The have no necks, and every scene shows a soda straw or pizza in their mouth. The pizza is lifted up to their lips by a robot arm, because lifting is more than they can muster. Above is the captain, something of a “hero figure” for the movie.

It is horrifying to think anyone envisions “us” that way. Although it is mentioned that lack of gravity causes bone disintegration, that explanation comes far too late in the script.

Just today I read an article from the Washington Post with the title, “Despite inherent cheesiness, cruises are cheap last-minute getaways.” What can I say? Just yesterday I wrote an article about last minute cruise bargains being a MYTH. The fact is that the best prices on summer Alaska cruises, for example, were here last March, not at the last minute.

Ironically, along with the snobbery of this article comes a good dose of misinformation about the best time to book a cruise. Too busy congratulating himself for finding a “great last minute bargain” on his Carnival cruise out of New York, he completely misses how every source he quotes in his article obviously told him there is no such thing as a last minute cruise bargain. All of his quotes say the same thing I did - book at least 90 days out, not at the last minute.

So, like WALL-E, he is compelled to paint the picture of cruises as “cheesy” by using phrases like “the epic hokiness that is cruising,” and nevermind the fact that he obviously enjoyed himself. Oh, the irony of a major authoritative source like the Washington Post making epicly nitwit conclusions like “With proper preparation, just days from now you, too, could find yourself love-hating a five-night cruise that costs just $600.” In my “myths” article I describe how todays last-minute $600 Alaska cruise was as low as $249 a few months ago. But don’t let facts get in the way of the author’s self-bestowed congratulations. I don’t mind that he thinks an average deal is a bargain, but I do resent him giving bad advice to people when as a “travel reporter” he should know better.

It isn’t my job to right every ridiculous conclusion I see about cruising in print. That job belongs to CLIA - the cruise industry marketing alliance. If a muckety reporter wants to paint cruises as cheesy that’s OK. I just wish consumers were smarter than to buy into everything the media says. Unfortunately, there are still certain sources everyone believes. Even the Pixar people believe the Washington Post.

A few nights ago we were watching the Showtime series Dexter. In the show a Miami District Attorney describes a case where a guy just killed his third wife and dumped her off of a cruise ship. “There were witnesses who saw him on deck, but I can’t touch it for jurisdictional reasons.” That much is accurate, crimes at sea go to the FBI.

But who has time for the FBI? Not our hero, Dexter, who tracks the guy down on yet another cruise ship. In the next scene we see Dexter in the perpetrator’s stateroom, “serving up justice” with a carving knife. He kills the man, dismembers the body and then throws legs, arms and the head, each individually wrapped in garbage bags and duct tape, through a porthole and presumably over the side of the ship. Just your average cruise experience - courtesy of Hollywood.

Oh, we’ve come a long way since the Love Boat - haven’t we? In fact you can almost trace the decline of cruise movies:

Poseidon Adventure - we all know this story of a cruise ship disaster. It is actually fairly believable outside of a few stereotypes. One of the better ship movies - even the remake.

Titanic - it is SO important to point out that it is one of the most historically accurate movies ever made. Even some of the dialogue in the movie is authentic, taken from real survivor accounts. The few gunshots onboard actually happened (but no one was hit , let alone murdered in the movie). This movie shows passenger vessels in their true glory, everything there is to like about an ocean liner - except the sinking, of course.

Out to Sea. This comic romp with Walter Mathau and Jack Lemmon was obviously meant to appeal to the over-60’s single ladies who actually are a pretty common demographic on upscale cruises. It’s all in good fun, not too bad. Walter and Jack play “dance hosts” onboard - those Arthur Murray graduates that cruise ships often give free cruises to as long as they dance with the ladies into the wee hours every night.

Boat Trip. This one stars Cuba Gooding Jr as a straight guy who mistakenly books himself onto a gay cruise charter. He has to pretend to be gay when he falls in love with female crewmember who apparently has “man issues” and likes him better gay. Stereotypes abound about everything: cruising, gays, gays on cruise ships, ship officers, elevator sex, men, women… If the word slapstick ever applied to a cruise ship comedy - well, enough said.

So, when I read articles by people such as this Washington Post reporter I keep this in mind; Newspapers like the Washington Post have policies against reporters taking free trips, which is why we got an article where a reporter pays bottom dollar for lowest category cabin on a Carnival Cruise and then describes all cruises as “cheesy.” If ever there was argument for sites like CruiseMates and Cruise Critic, and cruise reporters like Gene Sloan from USA Today and Anita Potter from MSNBC this is it.

Even experienced travel journalists often do not “get” cruising. Business travel columnist Joel Widzer once wrote an article about cruising that was so wrong and so awful that soon afterwards he was fired and he soon “disappeared.” Um, nothing nefarious happened, he only died of embarassment (figuratively). Apparently he was on a personal sabbatical from public life and forgot to tell anyone where he was going.

Here is what he said, “Take a cruise? No thanks, not me: Potential of disease, accident, crime enough to keep columnist off high seas.” The truth is that he had never been on a cruise ship in his entire life and was judging them solely by media reports. The media was wrong and hence so was Joel. It cost him his job - as it should have - he was misinformed but claimed the opposite.

Another columnist who also does not accept free travel is Wendy Perrin. She is a very enthusiastic, sincere and likable person with an important role as the consumer travel editor for Conde Nast. But she recently wrote this in an article:

“As someone who … was just in Europe two months ago, sightseeing in Spain, I am here to tell you that (1) even with the weak dollar, there are much cheaper ways to see Europe than on a cruise, and (2) likening the sightseeing experience you get staying in hotels to the sightseeing experience you get on a conventional large-ship seagoing cruise is like comparing apples and kumquats.”

She went on to explain how she had rented a villa in Spain for two weeks which she considered much more “value-oriented” as a way to see Europe. Obviously, she didn’t see much of Europe, she only saw a villa in Spain. In a comment I posted that you could board NCL Jade for the same amount of money and travel from Istanbul to Egypt and then on to Barcelona with several Mediterranean stops in-between.

She responded to me that you have hidden costs on a cruise like tips and shore excursions. True, but tips are not much and tours are not mandatory. You still see far more of Europe than you will from a villa window on the Iberian Peninsula.

Later she wrote an article about the biggest sticker shock she ever had in her life - the cost of a rental car in Spain! Um, you’re not going to see much of Europe, including that villa you rented, without the rental car. Suddenly the value of cruises in Europe seems a lot more apparent than she originally reported. That’s OK Wendy, live and learn. No apology needed, we’re used to being misunderstood.

Bottom line - don’t believe Hollywood, and don’t believe even the average travel press when it comes to cruises. Even experienced travel reporters do not understand cruising the way we do. Only an experienced cruiser can give you true cruise advice.

Royal Caribbean announced their latest quarterly earnings yesterday, and while they do not represent the entire industry, what happens to them is pretty typical for what the other cruise lines are experiencing. So, let’s take a look.

Royal Caribbean Intl. posted a loss for the second quarter in 2009 (April through June). The loss was not as bad as predicted, however, so we knew things were bad but they could have been worse. The loss they experienced in largely due to pricing pressure. Right now there is a LOT of competition for your cruise dollars, and you are an especially hard customer to pin down. The good news, however, is that you are still taking cruises, you are just making up your mind at the last minute possible.

Cruise ships are sailing full for the most part. In the cruise industry that means all of the berths are filled for a 100% occupancy rate. In cruising, ships can sail at up to 106% occupancy rates, which means there are extra people filling in extra third and fourth beds in the two-person cabins. Cruise ships are not bursting at the seams, but they are sailing selling their inventory despite the bad economy.

People are spending less onboard cruise ships now - using their discretionary funds wisely. The two onboard revenue areas suffering the most are casinos and art auctions. As far as we are concerned (speaking for Cruisemates) this is fine. While we enjoy blackjack or the occasional game of video poker, casinos do not pay off like they used to when Vegas was a gambling destination. Casinos everywhere are money sinkholes these days, and art auctions aren’t much better.

People are spending money on shore excursions, which also is fine by us. If you are going to pay money to get on a cruise to exotic places you should spend the money to see those exotic places once you arrive. Sales of tours are down overall, exacerbated by people booking cruises to places that are not tour-intensive.

For example, Alaska and Europe sales are down and both of these regions are best experienced by shore tours. You do not want to travel all the way to Italy and miss the Colisseum, for example. In Alaska tours are less mandatory but they do add a lot to the experience.

Alaska is the weakest market of all, and it is something of a mystery to us why that is true. Maybe the cruise lines are not “working it” where Alaska is concerned because the state passed a $50 head tax. When you add in lower cruise fares there just isn’t enough profit there to warrant a heavy push to sell Alaska cruises. We (at CruiseMates) advised our readers to snap up the Alaska bargain cruises months ago and now we hear that most Alaska inventory has sold. As for that head tax, Royal Caribbean’s CEO, Richard Fain, said he should have advised the state more vociferously that it was just a plain bad idea.

If you book an Alaska cruise now, you are like most people - putting off the cruise purchase decision until the last possible minute. This is the most vexing issue to the cruise lines right now - visibility. They are having a very hard time predicting how anything they try will work out. Capacity on ships for the rest of 2009 is only about 75% sold for Royal Caribbean right now.

Much to the cruise lines’ surprise, the Caribbean is the strongest region right now. Europe is being booked 75% by Europeans, even on English-speaking Royal Caribbean ships. This says a lot about the future of cruising as an industry - that Europe will be a strong cruise market from now on and this is just the beginning. Costa and MSC are being booked by almost 100% European cruisers.

Still, while there are European cruise lines like Costa and MSC, a lot of Europeans like American (Royal Caribbean) ships enough to speak English to sail on them. That is especially good for Royal Caribbean who does not have a European cruise line. Any way you look at it, the potential for Europe as a cruise market post-recession is huge.

Royal Caribbean says their onboard ratings have never been higher. Is it because fewer passengers means the staff on board is able to provide better service? Or is it because the recession makes the staff more grateful to the people who are cruising? After all, most of them work for tips and they understand that without passengers they would have no job.

One of the things driving the cruise market right now is new ships. If it were not for the recession, this would be one of the most exciting times in the cruise industry ever. Pre-sales for Oasis of the Seas are said to be spectacular (debuts in November). At the same time, Carnival Cruise Lines and NCL both have new ship debuts planned with Carnival Dream coming in November 2009 and Norwegian Epic following a year from now.

The introduction of Oasis of the Seas, the world’s newest, largest cruise ship in the world, would have been world news under different economic conditions. Meanwhile, Celebrity Cruises revealed that sales for their newest ships, Solstice and the brand-new Equinox, coming this week, are doing better than the rest of the fleet.

Although there is a lot of buzz about the financial viability for the first sister ship to Oasis of the Seas, Allure of the Seas, Royal Caribbean is confident they can manage to the finance the ship. In case you haven’t noticed, credit is one of the challenges with the current recession, but Royal Caribbean is managing and estimates they currently pay about a 7% interest rate on their loans combined.

Oil is currently selling for about $67 per barrel. The five separate cruise brands of Royal Caribbean International spent $155 million on fuel last year. Royal Caribbean hedges its fuel purchases by buying futures contracts. Right now, the line is 40% hedged for 2010 and 25% hedged for 2011.

That is the state of the Industry. Cruising is holding up better than most travel businesses, and is poised to sail through this economic downturn and ultimately come up smelling like a rose. What terms were NOT mentioned at all during this conference? Scroll down…

1. Swine Flu

2. Cruise “Crime” and the Congressional hearings.

3. Norovirus

Not that the cruise line don’t care about these topics, It is just that while the media is obsessed about certain things, within the cruise industry the bottom line is hardly affected by the same things the media jaws on about. Interesting.

I would like to hear you present more about what cruises are, why one would choose one over another, who should and should not go on cruises. Part of it sounds like fun and part sounds darn boring. What does one do on these cruises?

In my mind, the point of an Alaska cruise would be to stand on deck and watch pretty mountains go by, while a Caribbean cruise looks at a lot of plain open ocean. So whether scenery is your thing would seem to be a factor.

First, let’s start out with a basic cruise ship. A cruise ship is a floating hotel, with food and entertainment activities included in the price of the cruise. There is a cruise for everyone, somewhere, but the trick is to match personal style to cruise style.

What does one do on cruise ships? Like many things, cruise ships evolved into what they are today. They began as travel conveyances, ocean liners, to get people across the pond. Europe still has extensive ferry systems between major cities – to this day this is part of the reason why most modern cruise ships have European officers and cruise ships are built in Italy, France, Germany and Finland.

Purists, like well-known travel writer Arthur Frommer, will tell you the joy of a cruise is merely being at sea – sitting on deck with fresh sea air, the gentle rocking and a good book. But modern cruisers want far more, like beautiful décor, great food, uplifting entertainment, fun activities and a relaxing, commodious stateroom.

So, getting to the basics, a cruise ship is a floating hotel, but with tons of onboard activities, most all of which are included in the cruise fare. Even better, this “hotel” takes you to exotic places and lets you off for organized or self-guided tours. People who do not live in port cities have a hard time picturing this because they normally arrive at an airport and take a car. But in cities like New York, San Francisco and many places in Europe (Barcelona, Venice, Monte Carlo, Athens, Istanbul, etc.) arriving by ship is very plausible travel idea.

Cruise ships are like floating hotels, but picture a highly active hotel such as in Las Vegas, and then picture most of the activities being includedin the cruise fare at no extra charge, like meals, entertainment and sports activities.

Daytime activities include enrichment lectures, games (trivia, bingo), movies, all meals including 4:00 tea time, artistic activities (art lessons, computer classes, bridge), culinary classes including wine tasting and casino games.

Some of the newer ships also include the following sports activites, which kids especially enjoy: ice skating, bowling, miniature golf, tennis, basketball and extensive video game options. All ships these days have swimming pools and hot tubs, most have extensive spas with steam rooms and massage available. The kids get water slides and water parks, and some ships even have a surf machine called a “Flo-rider.”

Nighttime entertainment is a completely different animal. Keep in mind most cruise ships stop in ports during the days, but most nights are spent onboard. The main activity is always dinner, which is generally a lavish gourmet experience lasting two to three hours.

Cruise ship dining –you need to understand that cruise ship dining is not just eating. Even Carnival has service that surpasses many fine restaurants in most cities. Dining is elegant on all ships with tablecloths, fine china, four or five course meals and sommeliers on board for wine advice. And that is the regular dining room. For a fee of anywhere from $5 to $30 per person (depending on the ship) you can have an even better dining with very excellent food.

The stateroom service on a cruise ship far exceeds that of most hotels. Room stewards come twice per day. Room service is free (with a few exceptions). You can pre-set a time for your coffee and a hot breakfast to be delivered every morning and it will arrive as your wakeup call. There is no additional charge for this. Your room steward will clean every morning, and change your towels, tidy up and perform a turndown service every night.

One expense you will have on most ships is gratuities to your waiters and room stewards. Expect to pay about $10 per day per passenger.

Cruises: vacations or destinations?
Some cruises are meant to be mostly onboard ship for relaxation and enjoying the sunshine. Seven day Caribbean cruises typically spend the first day at sea. People sit by the pool to get started on their suntans. The next two days they will visit ports of call and offer an array of shore excursions. Another day at sea will follow, and the last day will be a visit to the cruise line’s private island.

The first and the last day at sea will be designated as formal nights, where the men are requested to wear tuxedos or suits and the women wear gowns, jewelry and heels. These are the nights when the restaurants feature their best dinners, such as lobster, beef Wellington and baked Alaska for dessert. Baked Alaska is a passenger ship tradition dating back to the days of ocean liners. It is usually served with lots of fanfare, featuring a parade of all the chef’s, sous chefs and dining room workers.

The types of shore excursions offered in Caribbean islands include mere sightseeing by coach with duty-free shopping, zip lining, horseback riding, snorkel and scuba diving, and even submarine voyages.

Typical seven-day Alaska cruises are obviously different from Caribbean cruises. More time is spent watching the scenery go by, as most cruise ships sail through the inside passage, an inland waterway, to get to the lower reaches of Alaska. In the inside passage one sees beautiful scenery with majestic mountains and wildlife such as bald eagles, wild bears and even whales and dolphins. The highlight of every Alaska cruise is a visit to a glacier in the process of actively calving large sheets of ice into the ocean. Typically, you will watch a glacier for up to two hours and during that period of time you may see two or more significant calving events.

Ports of call are also important on Alaska cruises. There are many experiences in Alaska where you should leave the ship and take a smaller vessel, such as small boats for whale watching or deep-sea fishing for salmon and halibut or hiring a helicopter to land on top of a glacier to dogsled along an ice trail.

Large ship cruises in Europe generally stop in port every day from dawn to dusk, or later. The goal here is to give passengers a thorough visit to significant sites in Europe with all the comfort of a hotel and none of the travel logistics usually associated with travel in Europe. Non-cruise vacations in Europe require trains or buses for transportation. You must lug your baggage every place you go and check in and out of hotels on a nightly basis. All of your meals will be taken in local restaurants, which in Europe can be extremely unpredictable and expensive.

The beauty of cruising in Europe is that it allows you to enjoy a new destination every day and relocate effortlessly at night while you sleep. You skip the exhausting tribulations and logistics of coordinating transportation across an entire continent. You can enjoy Athens with the Parthenon and the Plaka shopping area one day, come back to the ship for a gourmet meal and get a good night’s sleep, and awaken the next morning in Istanbul, ready to explore the Grand Bazaar and Blue Mosque.

Then again inside the ship, I am not sure it matters where you sail to - restaurants, entertainment, shopping, etc. But maybe it does matter, I surely don’t know.

To a large extent, it is true the inside of the ship remains the same no matter where it is sailing. The same cruise ship could be navigating the waters of Alaska, the Caribbean, Europe or South America. But there are certain cruising regions, such as the Caribbean, where you will want to spend more time on the ship and other regions, such as Europe, where you will want to spend more time on shore. So the type of ship you choose might vary.

For the Caribbean, you want to choose a ship with plenty of onboard options. For a European cruise, the most important thing is a comfortable state room, and good food for dinner. The difference is that Europe offers more ports of call than the Caribbean does. This is especially true for more experienced cruisers who have been to the Caribbean a number of times. For them, the ship is by far the most important element of the vacation.

And do cruises have purposes? I am not in the market, but I hear of “singles” cruises. And I hear of lecture cruises, where a series of speakers make presentations. But otherwise are they generic, or does one have to know about the offerings? Are there old folk’s cruises to contrast with young folks cruises?

This is a “what is the meaning of life” question. Or perhaps “which came first, the chicken or the egg?”

All cruises are similar to a certain extent; they offer a stateroom on a floating vessel with meals and a variety of destinations. The similarity stops there. Now, there are as many cruise lines as there are individual styles.

Thurston Howell might be seen upon Crystal or Silversea Cruises, while Gilligan would take Carnival, Royal Caribbean or NCL.

In between the two extremes, Ginger Grant might have taken Celebrity, Holland America or Princess Cruises. There are premium cruise lines, a notch above mainstream but not the most expensive available. What signifies a luxury cruise line? Larger state rooms, tastier cuisine and a higher level of service, which it generally comes from having fewer passengers and more crewmembers aboard the vessel.

There are also River cruises along the Nile, the Danube, the Rhine or the Yangtze. These cruises offer a lot of scenery and plenty of port stops with tours into the countryside.

Then there are expedition cruises to the Galápagos Islands, up the Amazon River or to Antarctica. These cruises specialize in interacting with wildlife and can be very demanding in a physical sense.

Any one of these ships may offer what is called a theme cruise, which covers a variety of topics. A wine tasting cruise may visit a certain region of the world (Bordeaux, for example) and specialize in wine oriented meals with lectures, demonstrations and port stops to highlight the theme.

On a completely different type of theme cruise, smooth jazz music may be the unifying theme with onboard shows by well-known jazz artists throughout the cruise. On a music theme cruise the destinations are generally not a concern, but I have been on Dixieland Music cruises on the Mississippi, so the cruising region can be a factor.

I hope you are beginning to see the word “cruise” has a variety of meanings and options. That is one reason why we find it such a fascinating vacation option.

I have no idea what to expect. Standing there for hours on end staring at scenery is to me a boring prospect. I can appreciate a mountain or Niagara falls as much as anyone, but I don’t want to gawk at it all day. On the other hand, I don’t want Julie, our perky cruise director, constantly herding us around to play volleyball, shuffleboard and karaoke.

Radio hostess Jane DeGrow, the Travel Queen, and I have had fun with this topic before. A cruise director will be on board, but he or she will not be issuing uniforms, assigning you to a bunk or using a bullhorn to march you into the bingo hall.

A cruise director’s primary job is to coordinate all of the optional passenger activities onboard. Every guest receives a daily schedule of such activities with listings for the time and place where they occur. Some ships actually will make announcements for a few of the activities, but no one will be herding you anywhere, ever.

Every passenger is responsible for reading the schedule and making his or her own activity choices. The trend in even the most mainstream cruise lines these days is to offer as many non-regimented activities as possible. Even meals, which used to be regimented on most cruise ships with preset dining times and table assignments, have now been largely replaced by “anytime, open seating dining.”

Imagine one day we went to the arctic and found an Eskimo harpooning seals. And then we brought him here and told him to go car shopping. He wouldn’t know where to start. I feel the same way about cruising.

As odd as this statement sounds to an experienced cruiser, I understand it completely, because I remember when I was in the same boat. For my first cruise I was joining as a crew member and I didn’t have any idea where to start. I had gone shopping for nautical style shirts with epaulets and deck shoes. It turned out that what I needed was regular slacks, polo shirts and a dark suit for formal nights.

As far as knowing where to start on a cruise, the best answer is to just book one. Read the cruise line recommendations for dress onboard, get your passport, pack your bags, show up at the dock on time and check into your state room. The rest will come naturally, I promise.

By the way, my wife and I just love taking the train when we visit the east coast. Very leisurely relaxed travel when compared to driving or flying.

In the long run, other than scenery a cruise is not significantly different from a tourist train vacation. With the train, the most important thing is keeping up with the daily schedule for destination arrival and departure times. The same is true of a cruise ship. Most people choose a cruise based upon the destination ports they care to see. While you are onboard you will enjoy the facilities provided to you by the vessel. Each has the same basic concept, except one is by land and the other by sea.

Those are the very basic basics of cruising, and I hope I have answered most of your questions, if not please post your follow-up questions below. No one understands the challenge of overcoming cruise misconceptions more than CruiseMates. We all remember our first cruise, and more importantly our anticipation of that first cruise. We enjoy answering these questions because we remember the moment when we realized how much a real cruise exceeded our preconceived notions. We hope you join us on a cruise some day, the vast majority of people who try one come back again and again.

Obviously, we can tell the difference. The first-time cruiser will list things we already knew: the cabins were small, the food in the buffet area resembled a cafeteria, they had to tip the bartenders, waiters, room stewards, etc. In most cases these people have a laundry list of every little thing they can think of that was bad, and it starts with the first day.

They often complain about nickel and diming, and woe to the room service department who screwed up an order. These complaining reviews almost always cite a “terrible odor in the hallways,” and a “stray pubic hair” appearing in the bathroom mysteriously. My favorite line is, “I know what my public hair looks like, and it wasn’t mine!”

What I don’t get is why these people don’t understand it was hiding behind the faucet and came out when the stewardess was cleaning up the sink - it wasn’t newly deposited. It’s as if they think Justice Clarence Thomas snuck into their cabin while they were at the pool and left the public hair there for their amusement.

I understand people being dissatisfied - a cruise for 10 people can be very expensive, and of course these people often claim they were the ones footing the bill for everyone. Still, anything you try in life can potentially go bad.

So, what does it take to ruin a cruise for you?

For me, long waits is a big turnoff. Like waiting 40 minutes between courses in the dining room. Even worse is a waiter who brings your entrees but does not check back to see if you are OK or need anything else, like a fork. Have you ever been practically standing on your chair waving a napkin trying to get attention from a waiter but they seem to have tunnel vision and somehow you are invisible? Frustrating. Worst is not having the special espresso coffee I ordered show up at the same time as my dessert.

One thing I have learned the hard way is that you have to pay attention, especially to the daily schedules known as “The Blabbers,” or “Cruise Connection” or what have you. Generally, everything you need to know is in there, but you need to study it pretty well beginning with the first day, and not just when you think you need to find something out. It is a good idea to read that thing front to back every night just in case there is something in there you missed.

The one thing I have learned is that you cannot change a bad cruise once it is over. Good luck even trying to complain about such a situation. If you didn’t notice the galley tour was listed and missed it, no one is going to give you a free cruise just to make sure you see it next time. Even if they had the time wrong and you showed up, if you don’t see the tour commencing and you just go back to your cabin without asking someone WHY the tour isn’t going off, then don’t expect much satisfaction after the fact. In truth, I have seen people writing complaint letters until they are blue in the face about situations like this and after the cruise line says “sorry, we did the best we could” once or twice they just aren’t going to do any more for you, so you’d better get over it.

And that is the key - a bad cruise must be rectified on the spot because they are far less likely to try to fix something after the fact then they are at the time.

The most frustrating cruise is when you have an incompetent in a certain job, whether it is a shore excursion manager, a head waiter or room steward. If you have a situation where the same person makes mistakes that affect you negatively over and over, I suggest you take it over their heads or risk having a bad cruise. Yes, you are going to get them in trouble, but there is a good chance they are already on the brink anyway. Incompetence is not a mistake, it is an art finely honed with years of excuse making and responsibility shifting in the making.

No cruise line wants you to have a bad cruise. They are not just out to get your money and hope you won’t come back again. Cruise lines live by return business, and if you are not satisfied they want to know why. Sometimes it requires a little patience on your part onboard, taking time to complain about a problem during your vacation, but believe me, the frustration is far less than what you will feel if you end the cruise without having spoken up and then try to fix things after the fact. It just doesn’t work that way.

The comment cards are very important - they do read them. But keep in mind they only come at the end of the cruise. They are there to help the cruise line, not you. Still, if you had a bad experience with someone on board do tell them about it. By the same token always point out someone you appreciated a great deal.

And here is an important detail, just in case you didn’t know (less experienced cruisers take note). Not every crewmember is going to have answers to your questions. Do not expect a waiter to know what time a tour leaves the next day - he honestly has NO idea. But there is one area where the answer “I don’t know” is not acceptable - the front desk. They are supposed to help you answer any question you may have. If you get a front desk person who doesn’t know the answer to your question ask then to find out for you. That is their job.

And that is another thing that I find annoying - the non-call back. Say you have a complaint like “our faucet is dripping non-stop” and you tell the front desk. They should be able to give you a time when that will be fixed. If it isn’t done then they dropped the ball. The next time you complain tell them you already mentioned it once and have been waiting for a response, and that this time you want to know exactly when it is going to be fixed. They will have to pick up the phone and call maintenance. If they didn’t do that the first time they are probably new and still suffering from job insecurity. Help them get over it, it is for their own good.

Now, this doesn’t mean you can’t be nice. The vast majority of people working on ships take a lot of pride in their jobs. The only time you have screw-ups is when someone is new, or else they have been around for too long and they are jaded. Jaded people do not last long on ships (good thing) becsue cruisers complain and they have high expectations. People who work on ships know this and they do their jobs accordingly. That is how it should be and that is what you should expect. But you can be nice about it. After all, it is a rare business these days that actually cares what the customer thinks, and you can get a certain satisfaction out of that as well.

Among a laundry list of other “improvements” to cruise ship safety, the Cruise Crime Act of 2009 will require cruise lines to process and report every single baseless, uninvestigated and non-adjuducated complaint ever reported on all ships. This burdensome requirement is unlike anything any other travel industry has to comply with. So, how did this cruise bill get so far? maybe because we cruise lovers have not been paying enough attention to it.

The Cruise Crime Safety Act of 2009 is under consideration again this week, and it is another version of the last year’s Congressional cruise bills. But this year it is mainly being pushed by a few trial lawyers who specialize in suing the cruise lines. These men are naturally persuasive, after all, they sue the cruise lines for a living. They know exactly what needs to be pushed through Congress in order to achieve wild success.

This year the lawyers are giddy about finally getting the support of more people who have no care about the cruise industry other than to see them as easy pickings for trial attorneys. These people do not care about insurance rates or legal expenses driving up the cost of our cruise tickets. They would rather drive the cruise companies out of business.

The proponents of the bill want us to forget Constitutional Article III; where our nation agrees to abide by International treaties and law, and which gives the Federal branch jurisdiction over maritime law. They want ignore the fact that the United States is a signateur to the Death on the High Seas Act (DOHSA) and the Athens Convention, two international treaties the U.S. has followed for several decades now - fully complaint with International Law.

Proponents of the bill wrongly claim there is a massive cover up of crime on cruise ships, so they want to require the industry to compile and publish “all reported crime incidents” on all cruise ships whether or not they involve a U.S. citizen. That means all reports, from “someone stole my sunglasses” to “a guy kissed me on the cheek when I said no” will now get the as much attention as a serious molestation charge. Every conceivable “crime” any passenger chooses to report will have to be documented, and even PUBLISHED for public consumption on the World Wide Web.

Typical Anti-cruise rhetoric:

I just read the transcript of a self-proclaimed cruise lawyer talking about cruise ships on a radio show, he made the following statements:

“The congress has put limits on how much you can sue for”
Not exactly. Our country subscribes to the International treaties of the Athens Convention and the DOHSA as mandated in Article III of the Constitution. The current laws are fully in keeping with International law - the direction for which Obama was elected.

“And yes, put up a higher railing because some of our people, you know, depending on how tall they are, they can fall over the railing.”
Patently ridiculous and untrue. No one has ever fallen over a railing because they were tall people. This is your biggest clue this man is basically just a fabricator - this is a wholly false and unsubstantiated statement, which no one challenged on the radio program.

“There are thieves on board”
Cruise ships are not dens for thieves, this is scaremongering. CruiseMates already warns people not to bring valuables onboard and also to use the safes. What more could a cruise line possibly do? Do you want security cameras in the cabins? In my experience far more thefts occur while your bags are checked in with an airline than on a cruise ship.

“You have a lot of assaults and a lot of rapes. And, people can’t do much, especially if they’re part of the crew”
Figures please? This is a harsh accusation which absolutely should not be said without putting the statistics on the table. “A lot” compare to what? I disagree that ships have “a lot ” of rapes. They have more sexual assaults than other crimes by far, but no more rapes per person than any other similar human population. This only goes to show you how relatively safe from other common crimes you are on a cruise ship.

Regarding crime on ships, this bill mandates EVERYTHING that happens must be reported to the Federal government, and failure to do so results in a substantial monetary fines againt the cruise line. As far as I know even public schools are not held to such a strict standard.

This same lawyer next says:

“You [cruise lines] better not try to cover it up, and you better report to the Coast Guard, the FBI, Homeland Security.” Cruise lines already DO report ANY crime that involves a US citizen to the FBI. They also send all of their ship passenger manifests to Dept. Homeland Security before the ship sails. If a person goes overboard they notify the Coast Guard immediately.

So, basically, this lawyer is once again scaremongering about how “bad” cruise lines are when in fact they are already doing everything he says they’d “better do or pay a fine” under this new law.

As far as sexual assault on cruise ships goes… Princess just recently turned in one of their own staff for a date rape situation after a private dinner. Coincidentally, this case fits ALL of the elements where such attorneys claim cruise lines “cover up.”

It was a consentual dinner with the two people alone. Although syill in trial, the crewmember was arrested as soon as the woman reported the incident, the ship isolated him and the crime scene, gave her a rape kit exam, turned the perp over to the FBI who later investigated, and now that man is in jail and on trial.

The cruise ship had every chance to cover up, send the perp home and tell the victim “we believe it was consensual” or “It’s a he said/she said.” This is exactly what the cruise victims claim the cruise ships “always” do.

But no. So, I ask you again… Where is the vast cruise line conspiracy to cover up crimes???

The FBI is More than Enough!

Our Constitution is an amazing Document:

Article III, Section 1.
The judicial Power of the United States, shall be vested in one supreme Court, and in such inferior Courts as the Congress may from time to time ordain and establish. The Judges, both of the supreme and inferior Courts, shall hold their Offices during good Behaviour, and shall, at stated Times, receive for their Services, a Compensation, which shall not be diminished during their Continuance in Office.

Section 2.
The judicial Power shall extend to all Cases, in Law and Equity, arising under this Constitution, the Laws of the United States, and Treaties made, or which shall be made, under their Authority;–to all Cases affecting Ambassadors, other public ministers and Consuls;–to all Cases of admiralty and maritime Jurisdiction;–

In just two consecutive paragraphs you have a federal court that obeys treaties and handles maritime law. Every US citizen has the full power of the FBI behind them when reporting these crimes, the FBI can and will collect evidence, arrest and even bring charges in federal court.

The FBI does an excellent job in handing these cases, as they should since high seas crime has fallen under their federal jurisdiction since the Constitution was written and the Bureau started.

Listen to the testimony of Jennifer Hagel Smith, whose husband George went overboard mysteriously in the Mediterranean in 2005:

“I was working side by side with the FBI. I was very confident in the FBI all along. I have to say that. I really think that they are just a stand-up organization. I did believe in everything they were doing and I felt like they were going to follow every possible lead. And’s what they do. They exhaust until there is no more.” (from the Smith Settlement Agreement hearing)

But this new bill requires that ALL crimes reported must be made accessible to the public at large, not just the FBI. Is that what the Consitution says? Is this new bill going to aid the FBI, further the cause of justice under our Constitution? No, it will just muddy each case with unsubstantiated innuendo with third-party case histories that were never investigated by a legal entity. Pretty much legitimizing hearsay in my opinion.

So, what is wrong with reporting the drivel along with the facts?

The FBI already has full power of jurisdiction, access to the crime scene, collection of evidence and ultimately the power to prosecute crime cases on cruise ships - when they believe there is really a crime. So, why should we legitimize uncorrobrated, uninvestigated, unprosecuted and non-adjuducated reports to be published on the Internet. Won’t that just lead to confusion and blur the line between true evidence and circumstantial innuendo? Won’t it taint jury pools and unfairly put misinformed pubic opinion on the front pages just when cruise lines are trying to settle cases?

When trial lawyers can introduce totally irrelevant and unsubstantiated information as evidence in cases you can expect a media circus every time.

Expect the cost of litigation and insurance to skyrocket, as well as the cost of cruise lines settling cases. That will cost jobs and growth in the cruise industry.

What is the fallacy that the lawyers don’t want us to know?

The trial lawyers claim they need more access to evidence, specifically the same evidence the cruise lines give to the FBI; forensic, eyewitnesses, technical witnesses. But the cruise lines rightly consider this “work product” as privileged information, so while they give all of such evidence to the FBI, they only give the opposing lawyers the names and contact information for the persons they interview. At that point the cruise line opposing lawyers can contact every single witness, interview them and depose them if they seem worthy. So, what’s the problem? Are they upset the cruise lines don’t do all the work for them?

Both the FBI and the plaintiff have the ability to investigate the case against the cruise line. If there is anything there, either may bring a case forward. Even if the FBI could not find enough evidence to bring forth a (criminal) case the Plaintiff lawyers can still pursue a civil case on their own. In fact, that already happens all the time already.

The opposing lawyers are upset that the cruise lines do not give them the same information they give the FBI - but there is a simple reason for that. They are SUING the cruise lines!

Here is a simple solution to this problem, instead of suing the cruise line for contributive negiligence at every drop of a hat - as long as the cruise lines are not directly responsible for anything criminal give them IMMUNITY from prosecution in exchange for cooperation. That way the victims get the justice they say they want.

Bingo - with full access to all of the cruise line’s records, the perpetrators are taken away, the victims get justice and cruisers are safe once again. That what the attorneys say would happen if they had this information. So why do they do everything they can to put the cruise lines in a defensive posture? Deep pockets is the answer. It appears that more than justice they want money in many of these cases.

As it is now, already, if the FBI cannot find solid evidence then expect the lawyers to start “throwing things against the wall to see what sticks” using any and all of the irrelevent “crime information” to be reported under this new law. Why else would they want all of this extra nonsense reported? It’s all about proving contributive negligence, my friends.

Again, the words of Hagel Smith regarding her attorney:

“He’s kind of a ‘throw up everything and see what sticks - that’s what their attorney’s approach is, so there are some things in here [a potential lawsuit they did not bring because they settled the case] where I thought he was reaching.”

Hmm, Jennifer Hagel Smith says about her own attorney in the case of her missing husband “I thought he was throwing stuff against the wall to see what sticks” and “I thought he was reaching.” And she hired him. Imagine what it would be like to be on the opposite side of this attorney.

The FBI rightfully does not care about smearing the reputation of the cruise lines just to make a case. All they care about are the facts. The lawyers care far more about what they can get away with in settlement talks and in the courtroom against the cruise lines. They want to put as much “dirt” about the cruise line into the record as they possibly can, testing the judge’s limits for stuffing the trial record with innuendo and non-relevant information.

Once again, Jennifer Hagel Smith: “I am NOT under the impression that they’re (the cruise line) is withholding something from the FBI that has great impact on our case”

Basically, this bill is a trial lawyer Hail Mary that our Congress will pass an extraordinary law giving them far more weapons and ammunition to sue cruise lines. The problem is the new weapons are peashooters and spitwads, irrelevant information that is only going to clog up the records and double the amount of time spent in court, costing both sides far more money with no guarantee that awards will get any bigger.

The Danger of this Public database of unsubstantiated “Cruise Crime”

And what about putting everything on a public database? The victims have been sold on this idea by the lawyers who tell them “the FBI is useless,” and “we need the cruise lines to report everything for the safety of the passengers.” But what about the safety of the people who get “reported” but never get their day in court? Won’t this encourage vigilante acts against possibly innocent people, none of whom ever saw a day in court? In other words, the names of innocent people will be made public in non-adjudicated cases and some people will want to take justice into their own hands.

I personally received a death threat from a member of ICV not long ago. This man was mad because his cruise ship did not give him the name of a man who he says held his son’s hand (hence, he had to be a child molestor). After he thoroughly pounded the man without asking more than a couple questions both men were advised to leave the ship quietly a day later. The identities of each were withheld by the cruise line. Good thing, the so-called victim literally wanted to kill the so-called perpetrator. No day in court, of course.

If this bill is passed there will be nothing to stop people like the guy who threatened my life. They’ll eventually find names and addresses of their personal perpetrator, and then blood will be on the hands of the lawyers, cheerleaders and Congressmen who passed this bill.

There is nothing wrong with the system we have right now. There is absolutely nothing stopping a maritime lawyer trying to sue a cruise line from talking to anyone he wants - even cruise line employees, and the cruise lines will give them their names.

The current strategy of trying to sully the name of any cruise line by bringing up as many past problems is very simiar to what happens in sordid rape cases where defense lawyers attack the reputation of the victim - guilt by past association.

Fortunately, most judges in these cases are smart enough to exclude “evidence of non-related crimes” from the arsenal of the cruise ship chasing lawyer. If this new law goes through, however, the power of judges to stop a case from being prejudiced will be much harder because those loosly-defined, unproven crimes will already be “public information.”

Every cruise crime lawsuit will now become a happy fishing expedition for unsubstantiated innuendo. Just hand every trial lawyer and the media a boatload of rumors, allegations and accusations - NONE OF THEM VERIFIED, many of them wholly untrue, and let them go to town on damaging the cruise industry reputation. Worry about the facts of their case later, or never worry at all.

So what if the cruise lines and their passengers have RIGHTS TO PRIVACY, the right not to incriminate themselves, the right to protect the identities of innocent citizens and the right to defend or settle a case on its own merits, not based on whatever kind of dirt the plaintiff can drag into court.

Needless to say, we have extraordinary synpathy for the victims of the VERY rare crimes on ships. What we fully disagree with the people who only want to paint cruise ships as havens for criminals. It just isn’t so. This bill is overkill that will do far more damage when it comes to fixing what is already a minimal amount of crime on ships, and for that reason - we suggest this bill not go through as written. Serious consideration as to the outcome of such decisions must be determined first.

Let me tell you, in rough seas or just when you are exhausted and don’t feel like getting dressed in your formal gear there is nothing better than a good movie on your in-cabin TV and a great dinner directly from the kitchen served to you in your jammies.

We met other people on the same ship who also had the same butler, and they said they had never asked him for anything the entire cruise! How sad is that?

I hear such things from less experienced cruisers all the time - they never even tried room service, or that they couldn’t bring themselves to order a second entree in the dining room. I say “take advantage of every reasonable option they give you on a ship!” If they are willing to serve you dinner in your cabin you should take advantage of it, at least once.

This is not to say you should do unacceptable things, like go to BOTH dinner seatings, for example. There really is no need for that. They will give you all the food you want at just one.

There are a lot of things about shipboard dining, and other aspects of cruising, that you will figure out after enough cruises and that you should not miss.

Breakfast in bed is another thing you MUST have. Personally, it takes me about three cups of coffee and an hour of staring at my computer every morning before I am ready to face the world. I love “breakfast cards” and if my wife would let me use them I would be printing them up at Kinkos right now. The cards let you select what you want for breakfast the next day and they deliver it to you at a pre-assigned time. Not only do you get a wake-up call, but you also get your coffee first thing in the morning as well. Yes, you do have to decide what time you want to wake up, a little tricky on sea days but perfect for port days, but the upside is you avoid the waiting that comes with calling in your order.

I see people who gets up first thing in the morning, put themselves in the shower, blow-dry their hair and brush their teeth, and then go to the buffet and get coffee and breakfast. Oops, they also put on their clothes, first. But I say NO, NO, NO. Always do the breakfast card, it is one of the sweetest things about cruising.

Room service in general on cruise ships is great. Try a cheese tray before dinner, cookies with your in-room movie, chamomille tea and ice-cream at bedtime. On mainstream cruises it is a good idea to give your server a tip. Be sure to bring several dollar bills and give one for a small order and two or more for bigger orders.

Here is another thing you MUST take advantage of on cruise ships. Laundry service, if you find you did not pack enough shirts, or you have gained five pounds and that extra pair of slacks does not fit. You can get pants or a shirt fully cleaned, pressed and folded for just a few dollars apiece. Get it done, it is so worth not having to wear something you don’t like.

Internet access. I don’t know about you, but if you are reading this I think you need your Internet access as badly as I do. Therefore, I just buy the biggest package they have the day I get onboard. Usually for about $75 you can get as much Internet time as you need for the cruise.

Bite the bullet and pay for it upfront and know you can use it far more freely throughout the cruise. Then during the cruise use your Internet access instead of wandering into the casino. You will find that you will lose less money in the casino and you will feel better for having had a good dose of Internet.

Do bring the allowed amount of wine onboard. Some cruise lines (most of the Carnival Corp. family and Celebrity) will allow you to bring a bottle of wine or two to your cabin. Do so and drink it in your cabin during the cruise. You will have your wine and save a significant amount of money. There is no corkage fee if you consume it in your room.

We are NOT saying to sneak alcohol onboard. Many people who do that end up drinking more during the cruise than they really need to. The truth is you should drink less on ships because most of the fun happens during the day. Too much wine with dinner can give you a bad headache the next day and you really should try to get the most out of the ports that you can.

Do drink plenty of water. The best water on a cruise ship is the melted ice from an ice bucket. We have brought water testers onboard ships and we have found that the melted ice is often as clean as distilled water. Even tap water on ships is fully potable (drinkable) according to our tests, and it is as clean as bottled water. But the ice cubes are made from filtered water and actually it is some of the best water I have ever had.

The hot sun takes water and minerals out of you - so try to drink as much water as you can. Most people do not drink enough of it on ships.

Do take shore excursions. You will remember a cruise where you have experiences far more than a cruise where you do not experience the ports. You don’t have to spend a lot to have fun. In the Caribbean snorkeling is a fantastic thing to do, and a snorkeling shore tour usually one of the least expensive tours on a ship. You paid a lot of money to get to that port, don’t skimp at the last minute and miss having fun.

Do have a massage - but time it correctly. Yes massages are less expensive on port days, but pick a port you don’t particularly want to see. The best massages are “deep tissue” and they should leave you ready for a nap. So you know, most massages on ships are considered a “Swedish massage,” which is NOT a deep tissue massage. Ask for a “deep tissue” when you book and ask who is the best at giving such a massage. But as I said, a truly good massage should make you so tired you have to nap. Keep the timing in mind so you can ENJOY that nap when you book a massage.

Do work out every day if you can. The gyms on cruise ships have the best workout equipment made. Many treadmills and ellipticals have built-in TV screens. Bring your headsets. A workout goes much faster when you can distract yourself from the boredom.

Many spas feature something called “the thermal suite.” This is a set of steam rooms infused with essential oils, hot saunas, a hot tub therapy pool and hot ceramic beds. You can purchase access to these facilities on many ships for anywhere for $10 to $25 per person per day. These suites will relax and refresh you. And they are far more private than the hot tubs by the pool.

Dining. Always try to eat dinner in the dining room on formal nights. That is when they will have lobster, King Crab, filet mignon and other special treats that make cruise dining so spectacular. Should be shy about ordering “surf and turf?” - which means the steak AND the lobster at the same time? Not if you really want it. They are ready for you, believe me. You aren’t the first person to make that request. Chances are you will get it on one plate although it is technically two different entrees.

Yes, you certainly can order more than one entree for dinner, just try to do it in a manner where you are not being gluttonous or taking up too much time. Order one entree at a time unless you are sure you will eat both. Do not order two main course entrees at the beginning of the meal lest you find you have eaten more than you thought. Memorize the one you want and order it when the entrees are being served.

One last thing - do not spoil your dinner, especially if you have reservations for a special dining spot. Eating scones, finger sandwiches and chocolate cake at 4:00 “teatime” is a surefire way to spoil your appetite for a dinner a few hours later. The specialty restaurants are worth the extra money, but you also want to get the most out of them that you can. Always go with a very healthy appetite.

That’s ii. Experienced cruisers already know this drill, but for you newcomers make a note that these are the little things that make cruising such a satisfying vacation. Spend a little money and get tons more out of your cruise. Happy sails!