In the 1980s you could be sure that most of your fellow cruisers would be college graduates and employed. Not true anymore. A Los Angeles Times expose just showed us that a number of welfare recipients on the dole in California have been taking cruises. How do they know? The state benefits are given to the “needy” in the form of a debit card which essentially looks and works like a regular credit card. Lo and behold, many of these card’s transactions were being charged aboard cruise ships. Eight of those ships were sailing out of Miami, not California.

The California state government has now instructed the bank behind the debit cards not to allow charges from cruise ships. Not too surprisingly there was another location where many on the dole were spending their money – Las Vegas casinos. Something like $12-million was spent on the Strip in 2009 alone. They also put an end to that. However, California welfare recipients are still allowed to charge items in Hawaii and Mexico, even if they are in the Four Seasons Hotel gift shop on Lanai.

Now, you could be seated with a cruiser wearing a brand new set of pearl earrings from the cruise ship gift shop and you just might mistakenly ask them what they do for a living. What are they going to say? If you find yourself dining in uncomfortable silence, at least you can take heart in knowing you can start afresh the next night with an entirely new set of dining companions.

Here are more topics of conversation topics one should avoid on a cruise ship:

“Where are you from?”   This used to be the standard opening line at any cruise ship dining table – an ice breaker that never failed. But these days there is hardly a state in the union that doesn’t already have a reputation for political leanings. So, if you are from Utah and you ask mistakenly ask someone where they are from and they reply, “Berkeley, California,” you are doomed to an entire night of awkward silence.

They are probably interested in Napa wines, while you don’t drink; they probably voted for Nancy Pelosi while you live in a state where Ronald Reagan was considered too liberal. All of your children are probably legally married with LOTS of kids, while at least one of their children has a “life partner,” and a toy poodle, and you probably drive to your non-union job daily, while they go to government union job on the BART subway system.

Bottom line; never ask anyone where they are from during a cruise.

The next topic of conversation to avoid is “Do you have any children?” In this economy children, even adult children, can be an embarrassment. There is a good chance they are nearing 30 years and still living in the basement.  A lifetime of Internet usage has diminished their social skills to having more affinity to their “Doom” avatar name of “Vulcanized Robber Bear, On!” that their real name, which is your dining companion’s name – plus junior.

The only thing that can make this conversation even worse is if that child happens to be on the cruise with the parents. This is highly likely since mom and dad believe their antisocial child’s depression will only get worse if you point out his shortcomings rendering him unable to face the possible rejection of job interview for another two years.

I once met a lovely couple on a cruise who were both quite affable and good looking.  They were funeral directors, but that was not the eye-opener.  The shock was how willing they were to talk shop so openly. But after all, they were on vacation.

They met at a convention, for funeral directors, of course. They fell in love when they realized how few “normal” people could ever perceive either of them as anything but ghoulish – despite their apparent good looks. Well, could you make love to your spouse knowing they had their hands on dead people all day long? Okay, that’s an indelicate question and I apologize, but I couldn’t help thinking it.

As we got to know them better, they really opened up. Did you know one of the biggest complaints funeral directors have is interference from the government health department? Now, mind you, the worry isn’t that the environment will become unhealthy for living people, as you might think. The concern of the health department is that the dead should be kept in a pristinely clean and germ-free environment. This was deemed to be highly over-burdensome by our new friends because as they put it, “They’re dead! They don’t care!”

Now that I just wrote that I realize it sounds terrible, but these people were actually very nice. It made perfect sense to them, purely from a business point of view, but all we could do is nod our heads and say “Yeah, that makes sense to me….”

More topics you should never discuss on a cruise ship:

Favorite television shows or commentators. The days of Walter Cronkite are gone. In this modern age if you mention even one commentator you are revealing your entire political philosophy and opening up a real can of worms. The same is true of favorite actors. Whether it is Sean Penn or Charleton Heston, Tim Robbins or Mel Gibson; chances are they have been affiliated with one political movement or another and you cannot discuss their movies without getting into choppy political seas. Television shows are also off the table since Bristol Palin went on Dancing with the Stars.

The only safe topics to discuss any longer are pets. Pets are non-political and non-religious. Gardening is also safe, because plants are like pets that don’t run around. Vampires are also okay; because they are dead and don’t vote in most states.

Keep it simple – pets, plants and vampires.

Related posts:

1. Cruise Crime and Doris Matsui
2. Cruise Ship Crews – Overworked and Underpaid?
3. Is Traditional Cruising Gone Forever?

CruiseMates recently did an article to re-define cruising; “Defining Cruising 2.0,” which represents the new standards that have replaced the older traditions of cruising.

Traditional sea voyages, as originally defined by the great ocean liners, included reading a daily schedule each morning followed by lunch, daily afternoon tea and mandatory dress-code dinners in assigned seating restaurants, with the same tablemates and service people nightly. Shipboard games were bingo, bridge and shuffleboard. The entertainment included one stage show nightly, followed by drinking or dancing and the only alternative was a small casino or going to bed early.

For the most part, this style of cruising has been replaced on contemporary cruise ships with anytime, open seating dining rooms, much more relaxed and non-obligatory dress codes, a much wider range of onboard activities suitable for younger, more active people and a diversity of entertainment nightly after dinner.

While this style of cruising has not completely disappeared, it has become so integrated with new-style cruising that many traditionalists insist we are losing touch with the very definition of cruising as they knew it.

What Do We Stand to Lose?

Prior to the year 2000 taking a cruise mandated a complete disconnect from the “real world” for the duration. It was difficult and expensive to stay connected. There were no cell phones, email, Twitter or texting.

Cruisers enjoyed scouring the daily schedule for events like Captain’s Cocktail Parties, formal nights, days at sea and activities like trivia games and even bingo. Absent these activities, the only option was sitting in a deck chair and watching the sea go by. This was especially true on days at sea, which the vast majority of traditional cruisers insist they prefer to visiting ports of call. Cruisers were told what time to show up for dinner, where and with whom they would sit and what they were expected to wear.

Is Traditional Cruising Dead?

The question becomes – are there any cruise lines that still offer this traditional style of cruising? The answer is a qualified “yes.” There are some cruise lines that have changed the least, or in some cases they have older ships where the traditional style of cruising still prevails although some of the modern conventions are also offered.  Here are the remaining traditional cruise lines, in order:

Crystal Cruises: Without a doubt, the cruise line that has retained the most traditional style of cruising is Crystal Cruises. With just two ships, each of them built before year 2000, the line still offers two pre-assigned dining times nightly, with pre-assigned tables, dining companions and the same wait staff each night of the cruise.

Crystal is a very formal, luxury cruise line where cruise traditions such as “High Tea” are done with exceptional attention to detail. High Tea on Crystal comes with a string quartet playing Mozart and Beethoven. Musicians and wait staff turn out in full dress powdered wigs, corsets and other robe a la Française. Piles of freshly baked cakes, pastries and scones with clotted cream are served with a vast selection of teas, each brewed to specific tea sommelier standards.

Crystal has mandatory formal nights where nearly every gentleman will don a tuxedo and ladies parade in the finest modern gowns. Officers in their dress-white uniforms join the passengers for pre-dinner dancing to standards played by a jazz quintet. Naturally, Crystal is a big hit with single ladies with the means to enjoy the best things in life.

Crystal’s two ships are not bereft of modern technology. They have excellent Internet access and even offer classes in computer programs. But the line also focuses on more traditional cruise culture such as arts and crafts classes, music lessons and always several guest lecturers speaking on a variety of topics.

Cunard Line: This British cruise line has three ships offering a very traditional style of cruising based on the golden age of ocean liners. Cunard ships are larger and more densely populated than Crystal’s, but with a wide variety of price categories that makes it possible to offer a classic cruising style without the luxury prices of Crystal.

But the people who want the luxury style of Crystal cruising can also find it on Cunard ships by booking either of two premium categories of staterooms and dining. These premium suites are known as the “Queens Grill” and “Princess Grill” categories which include much larger suite staterooms and privileged access to the corresponding dining rooms for every meal.

The rest of the passengers are assigned to the much larger “Britannia Dining Room” where they offer the traditional two pre-assigned dinner seatings nightly with the same tablemates and wait staff. There are formal nights on every cruise, generally on nights when the ships offer time-honored Cunard traditions such as the Black and White Ball and the Ascot Ball.

These balls are now a traditional part of the line’s 180 year history. They were born in the days when ocean liners were considered state of the art for world travelers. They feature a 10-piece band backing a singer crooning the dance standards of the great swing era.

So, while the difference is subtle, Cunard has a 180-year history of classic ocean travel traditions to which they continue to pay homage as a part of the Cunard cruise experience. Crystal is a modern cruise line that has brought the time-honored cruise traditions into the 21^st Century. Both approaches are equally valid and rewarding, but it is fair to say that while Cunard has much more distinctly historic British element, Crystal is more immersive in luxury.

But the strict adherence to traditional pre-assigned dining and dress codes, including formal nights, has remained largely unchanged on both of these cruise lines.

Holland America: Our next contender is Holland America Line. For cruise traditionalists the older and smaller ships of Holland America, particularly the S-class named after the Statendam introduced in 1992, still offer most of the elements of the traditional cruise experience. However, on Holland America the traditions co-exist alongside many of the newer elements of Cruise 2.0; alternative restaurants, open-seating anytime dining and more relaxed dress codes.

The reason these older and smaller ships are still the most traditional is mostly by popular acclimation of the passengers. These ships tend to offer longer cruises in more exotic regions which attract older, very experienced cruisers. These older cruisers basically learned the traditional style of cruising many years ago which makes them much more predisposed to maintaining that traditional style.

Holland America offers the choice between traditional and open seating, anytime dining, but the two are offered in different dining rooms so the traditional cruisers are not exposed to the more casual modern style. The older ships also restrict casual dining to the Lido area nightly, so the recommended dress code is still taken very seriously by the other cruisers throughout the rest of the ship on formal nights.

Carnival Cruise Line: Although this may come as a surprise to some of you, the last cruise line we recommend for traditional style cruising is Carnival; rightly regarded as a contemporary and mainstream cruise line. While this is true, there are aspects of Carnival ships worth noting for traditional cruisers.

Carnival still offers traditional cruise dining as an option, along with open seating anytime dining which is now more popular. So, don’t expect the majority of cruisers to voluntarily adhere to a formal dress code or any dress code at all; but when it comes to activities and cost structure, there are still many traditional elements to Carnival Cruise Line.

For example, Carnival has never gone in for the added slate of alternative dining choices that other mainstream cruise lines offer. NCL and Royal Caribbean both have several added-cost restaurants on most of their ships. The newest ships from both of those lines have as many as ten added-cost restaurants.

Carnival has added many dining options over the years; but without the added service charges. There is Mongolian barbecue, sushi, New York style deli, pasta and seafood. Most of the Carnival ships have but one alternative restaurant, the Steakhouse. Three of the ships have no alternative dining at all. The recent dustup over Carnival’s decision to offer premium steaks in the dining room at a reasonable fee just shows how seriously Carnival passengers take the line’s adherence to traditional cruise pricing

So, with Carnival what they do not offer may be more important than what they do. Carnival has avoided what many people see as the new “nickel and diming” approach to cruise costs where cruise lines impose small fees for a number of little things throughout the cruise. Carnival still includes almost everything in the basic cruise fare as they have always offered; the only exception making gratuities a mandatory service charge rather than optional.

Related posts:

1. The Slow Demise of Traditional Cruise Dining
2. It’s Getting Easier To Cruise Without Clothes
3. Cruising Trends for 2010