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Old May 9th, 2007, 08:50 PM
Warbler Warbler is offline
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Somebody asked for the "funny list" from Major Tom's Greenwood Adventures Belize, so here it is : hope it fits, because it is LOOOONNG (sorry CruiseMates). But my wife nearly fell off her chair reading this one as she cracked up laughing madly. I think it is funny.

TWENTY ONE GREAT (some funny, we hope) IDEAS FOR OUR GUESTS :

1. Bring along a complete change of clothes, towel and footwear. You’ll wet the first set, for goodness sakes. You are in a river. You know – WATER!!
2. Bring along water shoes or secure sandals and a waterproof camera with flash.
3. You can cave tube with bath suits, or shorts/shirt/blouse, and a hat if you wish, but please wear something – the police frown on nude persons. Or just ogle mostly.
4. If you must wear prescription glasses or sunshades, ensure they are secured on your head. We sell you small pieces of string for $7,200 US dollars. Besides all the fish in the river are tired of wearing glasses and sunshades. Makes them look silly.
5. If you take professional camera equipment, bring along a "dry bag". Please don’t burst into tears if you drop your camera into the river. We’ll dive it up later and keep it. Chinese auction anyone?? Make sure it’s new and has fresh batteries.
6. Bring fly repellant and sun block - not always needed, but best to have. If you have golden brown skin like me, and are handsome as well, (I am Maya Yucatec), you won’t need anything. Well, almost – I ALWAYS need something. Greedy.
7. No need for snorkeling equipment, although some guests like taking a snorkeling mask just to have fun with at the cave's entrance and downriver in the open. Nice, but small, fish life and beautiful bottom scenery. No fishing, please. And NO, we DO NOT HAVE the Loch Ness monster – the Russians took it !! Probably ate it.
8. For small children, some guests like to bring along their own personal, form fitting life vests - these are welcome, but we do also have as well. Or just blow up a nice large balloon and hand it to them – the little darlings will float beautifully with those, until they pop. No giggling, please. Some of those kids punch hard. Or Mom or Dad will knock your lights out. Lots of nice, handy, large river granite rocks.
9. Video cameras (with flash) - yes, but use a dry bag. Didn’t I say that up top?
10. If you cannot swim, indicate this - we ensure we have extra safety staff. We take and continue to take, swimmers as well as non-swimmers. Swallowing water is strictly forbidden. Does not taste good anyway. Swallowing Belize’s top beer, Belikin Beer – now that works. Or Lighthouse Lager, or Brown Stout. Or Cashew Wine !!!
11. Handicapped, but can walk, please indicate, and we will apply extra staff. We are delighted to take our valued handicapped guests and apply all factors to ensure their happiness and total safety. Many handicapped guests have taken our tours.
12. If you have your personal lighting gear, you can bring it along, but we do have as well. If you bring one, we’ll buy it off you!!! Pay you in US cash or Russian rubles!!! Or a promissory note. Written on tree bark from our poisonwood tree.
13. All that is not taken on the actual rainforest trail and cave float is left locked and secured in the van, with guards. There are security wardens and police at the park.
14. Jewelry and cash can be left with security staff, and fully accounted for. Our advice - leave jewelry on the ship, where it is usually properly secured. Our lunatic guards carry 105 mm Howitzer anti tank cannons – they will fire at anyone who walks within 60 feet of the locked vehicles. Kidding? They shoot at birds if they fly too close. Now that’s guarding taken seriously. Losses so far – NIL. Hah!!!
15. Referrals - guests often bring others with them from onboard - we accept those last minute additions, as we have extra staff and vehicles – COME ON DOWN !!!
16. At tour's end, when we take you back to the dock in good time to shop and then take your tender back on board, ensure you have all your belongings with you.
17. The park has a large bathroom system complete with washbasins, showers, and changing rooms. Bring your own soap, please. Don’t use the park astringents!!!!! They’ll take off your skin and make you look like a peeled Belizean banana.
18. Vans have first aid kits for your comfort. Including toothpicks if you forgot to brush your teeth that morning. If that’s the case, try not to smile widely.
19. Any special questions you may have, please do not hesitate to ask in your "comments" section of the reservation form. No extra charge!!! We’ll just introduce you to a special rainforest tree that moves when you go near it. Lots and lots of fun.
20. The cave tubing park has gift shops with a wide variety of handicraft items, at good competitive prices - and they will gladly bargain!! You won’t win, but it is lots of fun arguing!!! In fact you’ll probably take a thrashing.
21. Lunch can be purchased (if required) at a roadside restaurant either "CHEERS, with a Tropical Twist" or “AMIGOS?. (Both providing excellent Belizean cuisine), especially the famous “rice and beans and stewed chicken? – drool, drool, slurp. Cole slaw. Habanero pepper (yoicks!!). Cold beers, soft drinks, juices. Watch that Habanero Pepper – makes long hairs grow suddenly out of your nose!! Or causes severe snorting, red faces, sweat pouring down on to your table, into your food and the food of the guy next to you. Woh Ho Ho, NELLIE !!! Among our many famous guests who ate our red and yellow Habanero peppers :

1. Fuchia “Red Face? Explosion
2. Sweaty “Tongue on Fire? Canasta
3. Hairy Nose “did not know it was so hot? Heatwave
4. Harry “Brain Damage? Eruption
5. Seesaw “the sudden nose drip? Eyepopper
6. Timmy “Turned Preacher? Humble Pie
7. Braggart “Drank Sixteen Cokes? Howling
8. Dolly “Ate the whole sugar bowl? Screaming Meemie- punched out the guide
9. Curious “Massive Heart Attack? Stroke (Australian)

Those who boasted they could handle the Habanero pepper : all 9
Those who survived from the above 9 : The first 8 only.

Number nine asked us to tan his hide if he died,
So we tanned his hide when he died, Clyde,
And that’s it hanging on the shed. (courtesy of our Australian guests)
Goodbye ceremony at the dock started with “Waltzing Matilda?

If you decide to die laughing at the above, please wait until you have come to Belize, taken our fantastic tour that’s a million times better than anyone else’s and HAVE PAID US. If you do NOT think the above is the least bit funny, so I am not a comedian, otherwise I would be in politics and gouging you out of all your money and natural resources. Come to Belize….Mother Nature’s Best Kept Secret - courtesy of the FUN TEAM
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