Cruising with Toxic in -laws

passionmango · #1 (**permalink**) May 5th, 2007, 09:53 AM

Were leaving in 2 weeks and we are taking my in laws. Any ideas on how to deal with toxic in laws on a sea cruise?

trarecar · #2 (**permalink**) May 5th, 2007, 09:55 AM

Sounds dreadful! Why are they going along?

GaryI · #3 (**permalink**) May 5th, 2007, 10:06 AM

Not really a vacation HUH?

Can they swim?

are you doing any shore excursions?

I don't know what to tell you, but good luck

Gary

passionmango · #4 (**permalink**) May 5th, 2007, 10:16 AM

trarecar,

My in laws are going because my husband invited them he felt taking his family on a sea cruise would be a great trip. lol for him only!!

MG

Luanne Russo · #5 (**permalink**) May 5th, 2007, 10:17 AM

Are they going along, because they have never cruised before, and are waiting for you and you spouse to show them a good time, or are they former cruisers?

trarecar · #6 (**permalink**) May 5th, 2007, 10:19 AM

What makes them toxic?

Would they be agreeable to spending time together only during dinner? Maybe they are feeling the same as you (except for hopefully the toxic part -

) and want to have their own separate vacation while cruising with you guys, too!

If not, I feel for you. I have no idea. Make sure to pick strenuous excursions they couldn't possibly do?

venice · #7 (**permalink**) May 5th, 2007, 10:38 AM

there's got to be more to this story then you choose to share with us (understandably so)..I have never gone on a cruise with "toxic" in-laws but I have been on a cruise or two with "toxic" GF's and I can share my experience

1) cruising is all about attitude..if you go up the gang plank with some issues, chances are those issues will manifest themselves while on board, and it doesn't matter how big the ship is you won't be able to get away from them..plus they are your husband's parents. Perhaps a pre cruise "intervention" session to "set expectations" for the week will help
OR since you can't control other attitudes but you can control your own, have a positive attitude about the upcoming cruise and look for the many opportunities on the ship to have fun. You might also plan a spa day with your mother-in-law at the beginning of the cruise which will relax both of you

2)you might be surprise that sometimes cruising is the perfect antidote to "toxic" relationships because it gets everyone away from the home field battle grounds and distractions

3) make a deal with your husband and in return for your support for this trip that he agrees to plan a romantic cruise of your choice just for the two of you one year from your current cruise with the in-laws (that's a powerful incentive)

4)there is no greater he*& then being in a cabin with someone you don't get along with..the longest must miserable week of my cruising life..I have promised never to go on another cruise with a GF that I am having issues with..it does not solve the problem

Lou 123 · #8 (**permalink**) May 5th, 2007, 10:46 AM

It is all attitude!
My mother in law went on the last 2 cruises and there were no issues. But, if you don't get along with your in-laws it could be a different story.
Good luck and as GaryI said, (Can they swim)?

passionmango · #9 (**permalink**) May 5th, 2007, 11:09 AM

venice,

Their isn't much to the story they just hate me. For example my mother in law calls me names. Tells me that my husband should cheat on me and that I am fat. I weight 135!!

Picture going on a cruise with people who call you names.

MG

trarecar · #10 (**permalink**) May 5th, 2007, 11:12 AM

OMG!!!! Are you serious!!?!?!

And your husband invited these people on your cruise together?? Does he know what his mother says about you?

Luanne Russo · #11 (**permalink**) May 5th, 2007, 11:15 AM

I say who cares if they can swim!!! :evil:

passionmango · #12 (**permalink**) May 5th, 2007, 11:33 AM

trarecar,

Yes my husband knows everything this has been on going for 9 years. This is the first time my in laws cruise.
I am a bit worried about this trip. The last trip I went with them was out of State and I ended up flying back home early.

MG

Luanne Russo · #13 (**permalink**) May 5th, 2007, 11:35 AM

One good thing about it, is the Valor is a huge ship. So big, with so many people that you sometimes, don't see the same people again. Hopefully you can find out what they want to do, and do the opposite.

mehawk · #14 (**permalink**) May 5th, 2007, 11:43 AM

It appears to me as an outsider, that your husband has some deep personality issues that he cannot settle about his parents. Has he considered or gone to counseling? My in laws didn't care for me, once even threatening grave harm to me but the ex and I coped and we did less with them or I didn't participate.

I hope you don't have to share a cabin with them. Tell their "child" that while you commend him for wanting to include them in the fun, you still want to share as much "private" time with him as possible. Turn on the feminine charm and use your wiles and turn his head to mush.

trarecar · #15 (**permalink**) May 5th, 2007, 11:55 AM

If my husband's mother talked to me like that he would hear from her son!!! I'm sorry that your husband won't do the same. That, or that she choses to ingnore him, and he ignores that.

You know this is going to be a terrible cruise... Did you buy travel insurance?

michellet1959 · #16 (**permalink**) May 5th, 2007, 12:27 PM

If your husband would take his mother on a cruise knowing how she treats you, I would say you don't need a cruise - you need a divorce. Take it from someone who has divorced two husbands so far.

As Jennifer Aniston said about Brad Pitt, "he's missing a sensitivity chip!"

Lou 123 · #17 (**permalink**) May 5th, 2007, 12:27 PM

Your DH needs to not stand for this behavior. If my parents hurt my wife, they are hurting me. Stay close to the hubby and make him melt in your arms...
By the way, you didn't marry his parents so don't worry so much about them. Go and ewnjoy yourself and let them act the way they want..
Good luck.......... (PS: hide there life vests)

GaryI · #18 (**permalink**) May 5th, 2007, 12:29 PM

My parents were that way to my Dw. You know "The your not good enough to marry our son" [/b]Blah Blah Blah. Needless to say one day we had a "Come To Jesus" meeting. I splaned thangs to em. After that they treated my DW much better. Your DH is the only one that can fix this situation. I wish you the best of luck.
Gary

Lou 123 · #19 (**permalink**) May 5th, 2007, 12:36 PM

One idea is to discuss this issue with your minister... They can give some great advice and besides it might be good for your DH to hear it from someone else besides you.

msblackjack · #20 (**permalink**) May 5th, 2007, 01:05 PM

okay your in a terrible situation; but let's make this a positive;

1. It is a big ship; plan your day when the carnival capers; highlight what you are gonna do and just hand everyone a highlighted copy and say "This is what I am going to do, I would love you guys to join me but if there is something else you want to do I totally understand...." then you go right out there and enjoy your cruise.

2. If you are sharing a cabin - gonna be a tough one - but I have had to share a cabin with family and grumpy teens, so I just made sure I returned each night very very late and would get up early; plenty of open deck for naps.

3. Dining - this is probably the worst part - but if you are brave and can keep a secret - go to the matre d' have your inlaws seated at another table like an 8 top

and move your and hubby to a table for 4 with another couple, but shhhh don't tell them..... you can do this soon as you get on the ship; not sure if you have the same bookign number but real easy to do if you have separate booking numbers

4. Excursions: play ill stay on the boat alone "*wink wink* and then book a different excursion with your hubby and if they run into you say you were kicked out of your room because you got soo sick the steward needed to clean it....

Hope that helps

passionmango · #21 (**permalink**) May 5th, 2007, 01:52 PM

msblackjack,

Great tips!! The dinner part is taken care of, were going with a group of 19 so my in laws will be sitting in another table I am the group leader so I was able to take care of that. My in laws will be sitting with my sister in law and my brother in law. As for the cabin we are not sharing with them in fact we are about 100 rooms away from them. So that is something positive.

MG

GroovyDeeDee · #22 (**permalink**) May 5th, 2007, 01:54 PM

Wow! I can't believe you have to put up with a grown-up woman who calls you names!

I just returned from the Pride, with my mother-in-law. We hardly saw her. I did what I wanted to do, and so did everyone else. We'd get together for a drink at sunset, and had dinner together a couple of times, but we were usually so busy, there wasn't much interaction.

Best of luck! I'd love to hear how it comes out!

Luanne Russo · #23 (**permalink**) May 5th, 2007, 01:56 PM

So, it is looking better already.

What about excursions? Do you have plans with them or doing your own thing?

kennedy · #24 (**permalink**) May 5th, 2007, 02:08 PM

I would tell her to leave you alone and you will leave her alone. If your husband doesn't like that then too bad... Clear the air. 9 years is to long to suffer from an abusive mother in law. Been there and done it. Now she is nice to me and thinks I'm her girlfriend and wishes "we" hadn't wasted so much time not liking each other.

GroovyDeeDee · #25 (**permalink**) May 5th, 2007, 02:09 PM

I should add that I love my Mother-In-Law, and was a little disappointed that we didn't see much of her.

passionmango · #26 (**permalink**) May 5th, 2007, 02:16 PM

Luanne,

Regarless if the Valor is huge my husband plans on spending every single second with his family. He has told me time and time again that this trip is for "his family". The good thing is that my brother and sister are going with us.

MG

Luanne Russo · #27 (**permalink**) May 5th, 2007, 02:25 PM

MG,

My heart goes out to you. You are in a very bad situation. Some people just do not learn that once married your spouse becomes #1.

I went through this once myself. I out lived the abuser. His spouse told me later that she was sorry I was treated so bad. By then it was to late. Just be sure that you do not start believing what the abuser says.

If you need to talk, by all means PM me here, or use the e-mail system.

I am sure that I join everyone on here today who has you in their hearts and prayers.

Luanne

seadog2 · #28 (**permalink**) May 5th, 2007, 02:30 PM

So sad to hear about your situation. My MIL always liked me but it took my FIL a little time to warm up to me. There was never any name calling but plenty of cold sholders. Cruises are supposed to be fun , not a cause of stress. Why my FIL took time to warm up to me, I never asked. Finally one day we had a face to face (nose to nose). Afterwards I kissed my wife and apoligized for arguing with her dad. FIL and I got an understanding , DW and I have been together for 36 years . We all cruised together in March to Mexico. This worked for me. I think it was a respect thing or lack of .Please try to make the best of your Cruise.

trarecar · #29 (**permalink**) May 5th, 2007, 05:04 PM

Is this a reunion or something? 19 people group and lots of y'alls family members?

Hopefully you don't have to see her very often off the boat.

linuxpm · #30 (**permalink**) May 5th, 2007, 05:08 PM

I would stay home. Let them all go. You will probably have the best vacation when they are all gone.

The other option is to get a few drinks in you and let her have it. Might set the tone for the rest of your relationship.

I made the mistake of moving next door to my wife family years ago. Her Grandmother was always putting me down. She decided that I owed her about $50 for something (I didn't). I went to the bank and got $50 worth of quarters, dimes, nickels and pennies. I rang her bell and dumped them on her floor. She never gave me a hard time after that. She realized I wasn't going to take it. It change the tone of our relationship. We went on to have a pretty good relationship for many years after that.

Brian