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  #1 (permalink)  
Old December 12th, 2001, 07:30 AM
Posts: n/a
Default Christmas Joy


I hate this time of year, not for its crass commercialism
and forced frivolity, but because it's the season when
the food police come out with their wagging fingers and
annual tips on how to get through the holidays without
gaining 10 pounds. You can't pick up a magazine without
finding a list of holiday eating do's and don'ts.
Eliminate second helpings, high-calorie sauces and
cookies made with butter, they say. Fill up on vegetable sticks,
they say.
Good grief. Is your favorite childhood memory of Christmas
a carrot stick? I didn't think so. It isn't mine, either.
A carrot was something you left for Rudolph. I have my own
list of tips for holiday eating. I assure you, if you follow them,
you'll be fat and happy. So what if you don't make it to
New Year's? Your pants won't fit anymore, anyway.

1. About those carrot sticks, avoid them. Anyone who puts
carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the
Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately.
Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.

2. Drink as much eggnog as you can, and quickly. Like fine
single-malt scotch, it's rare. In fact, it's even rarer than
single-malt scotch. You can't find it any other time of year
but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories
in every sip? It's as if you're going to turn into an
egg- nogaholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it.
Have one for me. Have two. It's later than you think.
It's Christmas!

3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole
point of gravy. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your
mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano.

4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with
skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother?
It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.

5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort
to control your eating. The whole point of going to a
Christmas party is to eat other people's food for free.
Lots of it. Hello? Remember college?

6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between
now and New Year's. You can do that in January when you
have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps,
which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying
a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.

7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table,
like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa,
position yourself near them and don't
budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center
of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. You can't
leave them behind. You're not going to see them again.

8. Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a slice
of each. Or, if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and
one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to
have more than one dessert? Labor Day?

9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with
the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost.
I mean, have some standards, mate.

10. And one final tip: if you don't feel terrible when you leave
the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying
attention. Reread tips. Start over. But,hurry!
Cookieless January is just around the corner.
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  #2 (permalink)  
Old December 13th, 2001, 12:19 AM
Senior Member
Cruise Maniac
Join Date: Nov 2000
Posts: 231
Default Re: Christmas Joy


I raise my eggnog glass to you!!! Some people really know how to take the fun out of the holidays, don't they? I'm with you -- time enough for carrots and treadmills after January 1st.

Cute post!

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