As usual, Dave Barry has it right !!! Especially if you are inviting yourself to the Captain's table with fabricated tales made of smoke, mirrors and misinformation.
"You smear your entire self with a complex system of foundations, bases, creams, lotions, gels, powders, moisturizers, conditioners, mousses, sprays, masacaras, eyeliners, lip glosses, enzymes, lacquers, and organic papaya-enhanced roofing tars until you are encased inside an impenetrable layer of beauty products thick enough that there is no way for anybody to tell, without giving you a CAT scan, what you actually look like. You could be a Shetland pony under there."
(C) Dave Barry 2001, extracted from the The Dave Barry 2002 calendar.
Don't forget the tiara. It goes well with the 14-step eye makeup. And nobody you've seen on deck will EVER recognize you.