I apologize in advance if I offend anyone with this joke. Hopefully, it's not too racy for the message board. If so, delete away.
An Italian, a Frenchman, and a Scotsman were playing golf on a links course when they spotted a stunning mermaid on the shore. They all dropped their clubs and ran down for a closer look.
The mermaid was incredibly beautiful and voluptuous. The Italian, burning with desire, asked the mermaid, "Have you ever been fondled?"
"No, I haven't," whispered the mermaid. So the Italian walked over and hugged and fondled her warmly. The mermaid said, "Hmmmm, that's nice."
The Frenchman, not to be outdone, said, "Have you ever been kissed?"
"No, I haven't," answered the mermaid. So the Frenchman went over and kissed her long and slow. "Hmmmm," sighed the mermaid, "that's nice."
Finally the Scotsman asked her, "Have you ever been screwed?"
"No, I haven't," said the mermaid.
"Well, you have now," said the Scotsman, "cause the tide's out!"