Well here is the latest thing my daughters future mother in law did.
Kelly, My daughter is getting married April 23, all things are set and planned.
Things are going good except for the grooms mom interfearing with things.
Sunday she deceided that she did not like the church (we picked the grooms church) and wanted us to change it to another church!
And mind you the wedding is next month! Invitations are all out and responded to. It was a horrible day Sunday with her pushing her plan to move to anoather church. After a hour of her badgering the groom and bride....I completedly lost it and screamed at her and she stormed out!
Ugh what a way to plan a wedding! I just can not believe she had the gall to think we would change it for her due to some stupid reason she is mad at her church!
My poor daughter is getting a gem of a mother in law!
hahah but this woman met her match with me (irish, italian, catholic) she did not get her way. The church plans stay!
Which is worse, her badgering the bride and groom or you yelling at the grooms mother. Are you sure this is the way you want to start your daughters married life, fighting with the in-laws? Keep in mind, possibly having grandchildren to share with this woman. I understand how upset you and your daughter must have been, but in my experience with my in-laws, try to patch things up. Yes she was wrong but you werent right in jumping here either. For you daughter, be the bigger person and tell the lady that "as much as you would like to accomodate her wishes the invitations have already been sent out and the wedding will not be changed. Hope to see you there. " Good luck to you, your daughter and future son-in-law. Take them on a cruise, they will have such a good time all of you will forget all about the mother in law...
Ya know it wouldn't be a wedding if everything went according to plan and the families all got along lol! Your daughter is very lucky to have a mother who loves her so much. However, she will have to figure out how to deal with this woman's domineering personality sooner than later so it may be best to let her have some control and deal with the woman.
We have had similar issues in our married lives and basically it was tough because my mom was always doing and saying crazy things and my husband would become offended by her insanity. Likewise his mother would make me insane. We layed out a plan that basically was that I would deal with my parents and he was responsible for dealing with his. I didn't want his relationship with my parents to suffer because he felt it was his duty to protect and defend me and quite frankly he has a lot more patience with his mother than I do. My parents have a very high opinion of him and I don't want that to ever change, plus they know I am very capable of speaking my mind and no one is going to make me do something I don't want to do (stubborn as a mule). Its been eight years and 2 kids later. We're all still on speaking terms.
Without a doubt the woman needed a reality check and was out of line but unfortunately her son should have been the one to step up and say something to her. It is a shame that she was allowed to run rampant all over the kid's wedding plans. I think you were put in a very difficult situation by this woman and did what you felt was right at the moment. If nothing else you did show her you wouldn't allow anyone to push your daughter around. But I also agree with the other posters that these sorts of confrontations could create tensions down the road and perhaps a frank discussion with your daughter and future son in law may accomplish a lot. Just to discuss that they are each others number 1 priorities and that no one (even parents) should be allowed to come between them and ask how they intend to handle conflicts like this in the future, so that they make each other and their relationship stronger rather than weaker. Getting married is alot like having kids... the marriage license doesn't have an instruction manual.
Ahhh. . .there's nothing like weddings for high comedy. Whenever I need a really good laugh I just think of some of the weddings I've been to. I especially love the ones where the officiating clergyman (usually an elderly Catholic priest) either gets the names of the happy couple wrong, or completely forgets their names. I've been to a couple of those. Then there was the time I stood up for a guy and the bride's mother made us go in and hijack the flowers after the ceremony because she found out that there was another wedding right after my friend's, and that the mother of THAT bride didn't buy flowers under the assumption that ours would simply stay there. Imagine the surprise of all the people entering the church when they saw three guys in morning suits go up and swoop all flowers off the altar and abscond with them to waiting limousines.
Oh, I could go on. I've got a million of them. At one of my favorite Jewish weddings, the groom was the temple's cantor, so in effect, his buddies were marrying him off. That was pretty special. Lines like "Now many people wonder why in a Jewish wedding the groom stomps on a goblet. There are many stories in legend and in lore about why this is done. But the truth is simply that it's the last chance a Jewish man gets to put his foot down." The whole ceremony was like that. It was pure standup comedy. Our sides were hurting with laughter by the time it was over. At least that one was INTENTIONALLY funny.
There's a wedding coming up in our family too. Our son is being married in June. He and his intended live in Brooklyn but will be married in California's high desert, in Joshua Tree National Park, one of the prettiest places on earth. Immediate family only (which means 9 people including the bride and groom), four days at a B&B just outside the park in the desert, good food and lots of laughs. Our son fell in love with Joshua Tree when we visited on a family vacation when he was a little kid. Every time he goes to the west coast he makes a return visit (and so do we). He visited there with his intended last fall and she fell in love with it too.
They're doing the planning; they're grownups and completely capable. Both sets of parents have butted out completely. We and the sibs are just along for the ride. Much nicer. That's the way we did it 35 years ago too.
We'll throw a party for them back on the east coast at our house sometime in July. All we'll have to do is hire the caterer and invite the friends.
To responde to dedluvscruising:
I handled the situation very well....at first....but you had to be there .....there was no way this woman was going to change her mind about us moving the church....I pointed out very nicely why it could not be changed for about a hours with her. She had my daughter in tears! Do you think I was gona stand for that!!!!
First off someone had hand painted her wedding invitation with the address of the church, so would that be a nice reminder hanging on the wall nice and framed with the wrong name address of the church if it was changed. And all the limo, photo, flower plans were already set for that church and address!!!!
Second and formost it is NOT Her wedding...it IS my daughter and her son's wedding!!!
For some reason she thinKs this wedding is all about her....I could go on and on to tell you the things she has done to make this happy occassion a pain in the a**.!
And trust me as far as you saying its A bad way to start off a relationship...i have no intention after the wedding to have a relationship with her.
She is a nasty miserable woman...and it would take far too long to explain it all here!
And the irony of the thing is...a hour after the incident we all ran into each other at the same restaurant...Hugs were passed around and she said she was sorry.
But trust me this lady is not done with her nastiness yet!
Do you all think I handled it badly ?????
No, your are human. None of us were there, so we can't judge. I'm sure I could have given her an earful too. I'm pretty tolerent, but when the button is pushed long enough, I give it right back. She was clearly in the wrong, and thankfully she admitted it.
The wedding is truly the Bride's day, and the groom's - they should have the most input, then who ever is paying for it should have some sort of input, so they aren't left in an uncomfortable position after the big day is done.
I hope there are no more fireworks. Try and enjoy this special time, take lots of pictures, then when it's all over, take a cruise and relax.
I agree with you totally that it is your daughter and future sil 's wedding. But Mary Margaret I think you are wrong when you say you will not have a relationship with her. What about when your daughter and sil have children? Are you not going to be apart of your grandchildren's lives? She will be their grandmother also and probably be apart of their lives. Thus you will have a relationship with her for the rest of your life unless you do not plan on attending christenings, birthday parties, ball games and etc. Remember she is your sil 's mother and that will never change. Hopefully this is just due to the stress of a wedding and she will calm down or I pitty your daughter.
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I think weddings and a family death always bring out the worst in even close families and their relationships........why? Because it is a time of great stress. I had to laugh at some of these stories. We all have them. I married into a Catholic family and being Southern Baptist, my mother was "fairly" upset. She made rude little comments about praying to Mary, crosses next to the doors, etc. We just ignored her and my wonderful FIL would take every opportunity to "educate" my mother on Catholics....in a nice way though. My in laws had a wonderful engagement party for us. I was scared half to death about how my parents would react to the bar my FIL was setting up. So scared that I had an upset stomach all day. Messed up the plumbing in the house.....two hours before party plumber had to come..........I didn't know all this at the time. Parents arrive and 30 minutes later FIL comes up and says that my dad had asked for a bourbon & water...............not the typical drink of a Southern Baptist I tell you. What a hoot!!! I relaxed after that.
Mother tried to mess up my Sip N' See by putting ALL my gifts out and putting a paper next to them telling who had given us what. For those not from the south, you have a sip n see a week or so before the wedding to display your gifts for anyone who wants to drop by. Serve Mimosas, sweet tea, punch, cookies, etc. Let's people see your formal, casual china, linens, bedding, crystal,etc. My hubby told my mother that if she did that it would make people who hadn't been able to give much feel bad and if she did that we'd leave. She complied, we didn't leave and hubby had my mother's respect until the day she died. She felt he was standing up for me and she "eventually" appreciated that.
Well we're Methodist now and been married 25 years. My parents are gone now and I was informed about the plumber incident about 4 years ago!
Mary Margaret, We have done this three times.
Mother in law needs to be reminded that this day is in no way shape or form HER day.and to grin and bear it (or not, her choice). The day belongs to the bride and groom and the arrangements are DONE. PERIOD.
Wonder why there are never any father in law jokes??
Think this is one are where men actually think with their brains, and realize interfering in any way can only create relationship problems later.
As to odd wedding stories... it was my own. As we stood before the rabbi, and 350 or so guests, the ceremony began, and Mrs. Kuki passed out. She recovered quickly, and I held her up for the rest of ceremony, fanning her to keep her cooled.
She obviously didnt recover he senses quickly enough because she said I DO.
To this day she swears her vows were made under duress, and she's free to leave whenever she chooses <G>
i have to agree with you gb and dede...Mary...this unfortunately rude self centered woman is going to be a grandmother to your grandchildren also. I dont believe you were wrong in confronting her about the wedding, I'm sure the hand painted invitations are beautiful. Your future son in law needs to have a talk with his mother and tell her to back off or back out. Good luck to you.
In response to Kuki, I have experienced three of these as the father of the bride in recent years. Truly for some strange reason the grooms mothers seem to feel a need to manipulate . Cooperate and enjoy would be the two operative words from my perspective, but manipulate they do.
We faced attempts to "dictate" the religious nature of the ceremony, the church, the officiant, the location of the reception , the menu, the guest list the flowers, the photographer etc. Understand I am saying dictate, not discuss, cooperate, compimise
and most importantly as father of the bride, not to offer to pay. At every turn the 'wants" of the mother in law were paramount. Never considering what the bride and groom wanted, and never considering what I was willing and able to pay for.
We bent over backwards to accomadate requests both reasonable and unreasonable
for the sake of our daughters and future sons in law.
In one case, my daughter's mother in law to be insisted on the marriage being officiated by a Greek Orthodox priest. We conceded , but, then neither we or she couls actually arrange for one to participate. Same lady sent her nephew over to our table at the end of the wedding and had him take the flowers off our table to give to his mother.
I later found out that he took flowers off of two more tables on "our side" of the reception
for his other two Aunts at the instruction of "the mother in law".
Papabill, as the mother of two daughters, I'm sure my hubby will be facing, one day, what you have faced. Our girls are only 1-1/2 years apart. I've already heard that the grooms mother will do this simply because she has no part of the planning except rehearsal dinner so, if allowed, will exercise her ability to control in any way possible. SIL has three kids, two boys, one girl. One boy got married last year, only daughter getting married this year. She said the planning was like being on two different worlds. Said nothing during boy wedding, saying EVERYTHING during girl wedding..........Niece getting married next Saturday.
I've take some notes, learned a few things and frankly I'm scared half to death at the prospect of one of my girls coming home with an engagement ring! Not because of them getting married, but because of the wedding!!!!!!
If there was a good side to all the wedding headaches it was cruising. It was literally the night of my second daughters wedding that we decided to plan and take our first cruise. (how's that for staying on topic?)
You know Papabill: I have a funny feeling that both our girls will want their honeymoom to be a cruise. We've spoiled them rotten! OK, there are worse things in life I guess. Hubby just says he hopes they marry well!
My daughter is getting married next year in Italy. So as we live here we don't have much to do with the planning, just the paying for it and being there. The kids are doing most of the planning on their own, which they get things done the way they want it. I will put in an opinion if I am asked but not unless. My MIL did interfere in our wedding as to who was going to be on the guest list (more than we had planned for). So we decided this is going to be our daughter and SIL's day and we will help with decisions only if asked. The reason the MIL may have interfered is that she does not have a daughter as was the case with my MIL, she has 2 sons, so has no opportunity to interfere in a daughters wedding.
Hubby and I got married with out telling ANYONE. Neither of our parents minded, but his catholic grandmother didn't understand why we didn't have a nice church wedding like her granddaughter. After explaining the money issue to her she responded with "well your cousin got over $4,000 in cash (gifts)" we tried to tell her that the average cost of a wedding these days is $20,000 but she wouldn't hear it. Needless to say we are happy we ran off and got married. I can't imagine how bad it would have been if we had to listen to her "church talk" for months while planning!!
my pug Mei Mei
I am going to be the Mother of the Groom in November. Well I jsut want to let u all know.... I am not the meddling kind. I ask my son how the plans are going. I send money to pay for some things. All i want to know now is what color dress i need to buy. long dress or short dress. I am just here to enjoy my sons wedding. i would never think of interferring in any of it. All they need from me is love.. It is there wedding after all. I hope that the brides mother is letting them do there own thing too. I am also cruising the next spring. so I am making the plans for that. That i can control. HAHAHA Happy cruising..
My daughter got married this past summer and she was very good friends with her mother in law. We included her in on everything. My husband and I gave our daughter x amout of money as a wedding present and she could use it however she wanted. ie: elope, honey moon , wedding. This way it was her wedding her planning and my help if she wanted it. I didn't feel like I needed to have control over the wedding since I wasn't paying for it. We included the mother in law in on picking out the hall the food the wedding dress everything. We even hosted the rehersal dinner at our house and they payed for food and drinks. Well now that they have been married for about 7 months things have changed. She (the mother in law) feels like she needs equal time with the newlyweds. If they come to our house for dinner one night they need to see her 2 nights. Its been so stressful for the newlyweds that they don't tell her when they are seeing us. We don't ask them over very often anymore because it just puts more stress on them. I told them to call when they want to come over and we would just leave them alone. Boy I can't wait for grandchildren!!
Boy, it will just compound with grandchildren. I love my MIL dearly and loved my departed mother too. We moved from one part of Georgia (1 hr from my parents) to another part (now 2 blocks from MIL & FIL). My mother was furious. When she would call, she would always ask, "Is June there?" Like MIL was constantly over here........ That was 21 years and two children ago. We moved here with a 3 week old and my mother was constantly on me to "Come see them." It never seemed to work the other way around though........I found it much more difficult to satisfy everyone AFTER the kids came along...............
If my daughter was in tears, I would definately speak out against the BULLY who did that.
NO ONE other then the bride and groom need make any decisions regarding a wedding. If the parents are paying then a budget would be established and stuck to, , but money should not give the parents or parent in laws any rights to dictate the type of serivice or any other wedding / recpetion details. I firmly believe it is the wedding couples day.
Mary Margaret I would not let anyone bully my daughter into tears. You tried being civil, but sometimes bullies just don't get it.