I have a few:
1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of
me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty
much leave me alone.
2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt
and a leaky tire.
3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal
your neighbor’s newspaper, that's the time to do it.
4. Sex is like air. It's not important unless you aren't getting
5. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be
6. No one is listening until you fart.
7. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.
8. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
9. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple
of car payments.
10. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their
shoes. That way, when you criticize them you're a mile away and you have
11. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
12 Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to
fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
13. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was
probably worth it.
14. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
15. Some days you're the bug; some days you're the windshield.
16. Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.
17. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that
comes from bad judgment.
18. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and
put it back in your pocket.
19. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
20. Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side and a dark
side, and it holds the universe together.
21. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one
22. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are
23 . Experience is something you don't get until just after you
24. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
25. We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our
ass... Then things get worse.
26. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a
laxative on the same night.
27. There is a fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
28. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too
29. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people
to make a big deal about your birthday...around age 11.
30. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.