It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary.
If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume
you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise. If
you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so
that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise.
If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and
therefore you do not need a raise.
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If
you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called
Saturday & Sunday.
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a
strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three
minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the
stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second
offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board
under the "Chronic Offenders category". Anyone caught smiling in the
picture will be sanctioned under the company's mental health policy.
Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so
that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for
lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Chubby
people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to
drink a Slim-Fast.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a
positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments,
concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations,
insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation
and input should be directed elsewhere.
Thankfully, it's nowhere near our workplace, but I will print it and share it with the new boss. She'll get a kick out of it, since last week she sent around a memo stating our new "days of the week colour dress code".
Some people actually thought she was serious, and wore "Red on Monday".!!
Good one; thank god my boss can't type or spell He would probably institute all of them and take credit for it! Every day I go to the closet and say "what shall I wear today". Guess its the navy blue uniform; used to wear suits and heels in the corporate world. (really, really hated that world!)