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  #31 (permalink)  
Old February 12th, 2009, 07:26 PM
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Dear Luanne,
I really envy you to be able to talk about your son.
I lost my oldest son in 2004 by accident,it was so sudden I did'nt believe at first.
In 2007 my second son my baby committed suicide.Both of them were living out of town at that time.What a shock to learn from the police what happenned.They are both near me in the same crematorium center,but I
can't talk of them with anyone but I think of them everyday.
This is my sorrow with the pain I will carry till I die.
I don't know why I write to you,may be it's a kind of sharing what you going through.
Parents are suppose to go before the children not the other way around.
Keep your strength you are doing well.I will think of you.
Sincerely,MTL
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Old February 12th, 2009, 10:38 PM
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As all of you have noticed, and even more if I was able to share the e-mails I have received, that the loss of a child is not easy, but often not shared. It is a pain so strong that lives are forever changed.

My night has been spent reading so many kind things that people are sending me. I do encourage you to share with everyone on here, but if you need to keep it private, then by all means keep them coming.

Tonight we did very well. Almost normal, but it's because we are able to think of other things than the loss of Joe. If you could sit in our living room, you would be able to see each of us, as one thinks of Joe. The facial expressions completely change.

Let me spend a minute or two talking about Justice. Many have sent me e-mails saying they hope he is executed. This is not a death sentence case. I know that Texas has a reputation for the death penalty, but this will not be one of them.

If he is found guilty, he could serve 99 years. Most likely he will get around 20 and be out in 15. I hope this is not the case. I fear that this murder was so cold blooded, that the next mothers son he kills it will be harder to find him. He has to get smarter after this.

This case has not gone before the Grand Jury yet. That is suppose to be in 30 days. If they find that there is not enough evidence, he will walk.

If it goes to trial, it might be as long as 1 year.

How do I feel about him? Very disappointed.... If he had stopped long enough that night to hear Joe's side on what happened, and to get to know Joe, this probably would never have happened.

I have prayed every night for his family. Although they still have him, they must be going through a lot right now. Am I mad at him? Yes, sometimes. But mostly, very disappointed.

Do I hate him? No To do so is to make things worse, because hate takes up more energy that grief, and frankly, I don't have enough for hate.

More than anything I want a fair trial. I don't want to have to keep going through, what we will go though this next year.

It is getting late, so I will end this for tonight. For those of you who have e-mailed me, and for those who are reading this, and have lost a child, please know that you are all in our prayers. Thank you for sharing your stories with me.

Thank you all from the bottom of my heart.

Luanne
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  #33 (permalink)  
Old February 13th, 2009, 08:40 AM
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Thanks for sharing with us Luanne - and never think you are being selfish for sharing your feelings. If more people did share their feelings think about how much healthier the whole world would be.
When we recognize and acknowledge the areas that we need help with, only then can healing truly take place.

Continually praying for you and Jim and Josh.
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Old February 13th, 2009, 09:37 AM
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Woke up with so many thoughts in my head. Not so much bad thoughts, but many thoughts.

Last night before going to bed, I went into Joe's old room. I wanted to smell his pillow. It now feels comforting. No tears this time, just a warm feeling of being with him.

I spoke to him, and told him how much I missed him. Then that song came back in my head. You know the one. Friends in low places.

After he died, that song drove me crazy. I would sit and think of other songs to replace it. Over and over again it would play in my head.

After the funeral it stopped. I was relieved, but now it comes back usually once a day. I do not listen to him sing it on tape, because I didn't want to make it worse.

Last night it was in my head when I was in his room. I said out loud, Joe you have to stop because I am tired and need to sleep. It stopped right away.

I don't claim to understand what happens after death. I know what the Bible tells me, but I wonder what God does with all those souls. Do angels really happen?

I also don't understand what our brains do, when something like this happens. Do we want so much to re-connect, that we hear voices, and feel things around us, that makes us think that our loved ones are still here?

I still worry that Joe is behaving in Heaven. I guess the experts would say this was me wanting to continue my parenting.

I guess it is still to new for me, but it hurts to know that just a short time ago, I had my son.

If I had known would have have done things differently? No I don't think so. Joe and I always said I love you, before he left the house, and that night was no different.

Jim and I have both played the what if game. What if we had insisted Joe stay home that night, because his dad was leaving the next morning for Iraq.

So many what ifs. You might say none of that matters now, but to a grieving mother and dad, it means everything. It is simply part of the recovery.

Yesterday the lady that did my hair, said that I needed to start using a special shampoo for my silver streaks. I told her I colored my hair, and had no streaks. She turned me around in the chair, and said look. Sure enough I have developed silver streaks.

I remember reading about Barbara Bush who's hair turned snow white almost over night, after they lost their little girl. She says that she wears it that way in honor of her little Robin.

Grief is such a powerful thing. It makes you old, it drains your strength, it robs you of a sane mind.Woke up with so many thoughts in my head. Not so much bad thoughts, but many thoughts.

Last night before going to bed, I went into Joe's old room. I wanted to smell his pillow. It now feels comforting. No tears this time, just a warm feeling of being with him.

I spoke to him, and told him how much I missed him. Then that song came back in my head. You know the one. Friends in low places.

After he died, that song drove me crazy. I would sit and think of other songs to replace it. Over and over again it would play in my head.

After the funeral it stopped. I was relieved, but now it comes back usually once a day. I do not listen to him sing it on tape, because I didn't want to make it worse.

Last night it was in my head when I was in his room. I said out loud, Joe you have to stop because I am tired and need to sleep. It stopped right away.

I don't claim to understand what happens after death. I know what the Bible tells me, but I wonder what God does with all those souls. Do angels really happen?

I also don't understand what our brains do, when something like this happens. Do we want so much to re-connect, that we hear voices, and feel things around us, that makes us think that our loved ones are still here?

I still worry that Joe is behaving in Heaven. I guess the experts would say this was me wanting to continue my parenting.

I guess it is still to new for me, but it hurts to know that just a short time ago, I had my son.

If I had known would have have done things differently? No I don't think so. Joe and I always said I love you, before he left the house, and that night was no different.

Jim and I have both played the what if game. What if we had insisted Joe stay home that night, because his dad was leaving the next morning for Iraq.

So many what ifs. You might say none of that matters now, but to a grieving mother and dad, it means everything. It is simply part of the recovery.

Yesterday the lady that did my hair, said that I needed to start using a special shampoo for my silver streaks. I told her I colored my hair, and had no streaks. She turned me around in the chair, and said look. Sure enough I have developed silver streaks.

I remember reading about Barbara Bush who's hair turned snow white almost over night, after they lost their little girl. She says that she wears it that way in honor of her little Robin.

Grief is such a powerful thing. It makes you old, it drains your strength, it robs you of a sane mind.
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  #35 (permalink)  
Old February 13th, 2009, 04:11 PM
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Jim had the day off, so we decided to go to the cemetery for the first time since Joe died.

Jim had called them earlier today to see if the grave marker was up yet. They called him back as we were driving there, to tell us it was not up yet and they would call us when it was.

We didn't know where he was buried, because the casket is left at the pavilion, after the service. I guess the family can wait around for the body to be placed, but it never entered my mind to do so.

As you drive into the cemetery, they have a guest area, and on the wall is a computer thing, where you put in the persons name, and it tells you where to find them.

Come to find out, it was very close to where we were. We walked to the section, and before we could find Joe, we found our friend Bob who I talked about dieing almost 2 years ago.

Joe went to Bob's funeral, and little did we know that Joe would follow him in such a short time later.

Joe is several rows behind Bob. Suddenly Jim said there he is, and sure enough the marker was in place, for Joe.

This is something that I never believed would happen. Your babies head stone. Why why why did I have to bury my baby? He had everything going for him. A mom and dad who loved him. A good home, and almost anything he ever wanted. He was smart, healthy, and full of life.

He would have made a difference in this world. He had proved that already.

Why are people like Manson, and the Son of Sam, and these other evil people still here, and my baby is gone. It just makes no sense.

I have no answers, but have much heart ache.
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  #36 (permalink)  
Old February 15th, 2009, 01:25 PM
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Dear Louanne,
I can understand how hard it must have been to return to the cemetary. I am glad that the marker was up. Now you know where his body is. Of
coarse he is not there. As time passes you will have memories of Joe that will go with you where ever you are. I know how those songs are.
Last summer when we buried our grandson one of the songs was GO REST HIGH ON THAT MOUNTAIN. I can never hear it without thinking of RYAN. Our hugs and prayers continue to be sent in your direction. Thanks for sharing your daily challenges.

jojo
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  #37 (permalink)  
Old February 15th, 2009, 01:46 PM
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Horrible last couple of days. I just can't seem to stop crying. All these things go around in my head.

We found the cruise pictures we took, had them developed. Of course most were of Joe. He was such a ham.

I keep focusing on the trial. If I get to stand up and say what I think, after he is found guilty, I want it to be worth while. It is like the way it was, before the services for Joe, when I knew I had to speak, but didn't know what to say.

Could not go to church this morning. I feel like I am getting a daily sermon in my head every minute of the day.

Funny, I feel Joe close by now. I try not to cry, because I don't want him to worry.

People keep saying how strong I am. I feel like I am falling apart.

Jim very worried about me. I can see it in his eyes. I keep telling him that things will be fine, but I need time to heal.

Josh and I both have therapy appointments this week. I can't wait. It made me feel so much better. I hope he is able to help Josh. I love him so, and he and Joe left so many unsaid things.

Why do we think we have all the time in the world to say the things we need to say? Have you told the ones you love, how you feel? Is there an unsettled thing, you need to take care of?

I love you all.
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  #38 (permalink)  
Old February 15th, 2009, 03:52 PM
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  #39 (permalink)  
Old February 15th, 2009, 05:32 PM
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Luanne, Joe is here with you and Jim, you can feel him and maybe, if you think about it, you can even "see" him at times. No, I am not crazy but he is in a different dimension now. Find your comfort and solice in the feeling that Joe is with ya'll. Use him as a channel to pray for the strength to carry on with your life. Imagine him as your guardian angel, looking over you and Jim, making certain that ya'll are being have yourself. There is nothing wrong with this way of thinking. I have used it myself to heal the loss of my loved ones. It worked for me.

I am glad to see where you disagreed with the therapist when he said it was alright to be angry with God. God is not the reason Joe was taken. I would have been angry with that therapist. God is allowing Joe to make his presence felt by you to soothe your loss. God is great at knowing what we need and, even though God doesn't follow what we want, He will soothe us in His own way.

You will get strong and, perhaps in the future, you will be called upon by God to help another mother, who will be facing the tragedy that you and Jim are facing, and you will be her earthly angel to help her and her family get through the tough times.

Be ready and strong dear.

May God's blessing s be abundant upon you, Jim, and Josh from now on.

Michael
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Old February 16th, 2009, 10:46 AM
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Well it is another day. This is the first one that I have not woken up thinking Joe would be here. I think that is a step forward.

Lots of nightmares last night. I couldn't, for a million dollars tell you what they were about, but was enough to wake me and Jim up several times.

I keep fighting hard to push back the depression. Sometimes it is easier than others.

Josh continues to either sleep or stay in his room. I can't wait for his appointment on Wed. Hopefully something can be done for him.

I didn't mean to imply the other day that the therapist told me to be mad at God. He said that most people want to blame God, and that was alright, because God had big shoulders. I have yet to blame him. I had a dream, and I was asking him why he took my baby. He said I didn't take him, I received him.

Just as I was typing, Josh came in and is in a good mood. He says "I'm messed up, mom"

We are all trying to find our way. Pray for us.
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Old February 16th, 2009, 11:05 AM
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Luanne,
All that you are going through is so normal and so painful. God will speak to you in that pain as he did in your dream. Keep reaching out to others.
Let Josh know that I and many others are praying for him too. God loves you, and He will be your source of strength and comfort as you walk through this with Him.

Prayers for your family. (((((((((((HUGS))))))))))
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  #42 (permalink)  
Old February 16th, 2009, 02:53 PM
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Good progress today. I managed to not only do my hair, but put much needed make up on. Only the third time since all this happened.

I was able to put ribs in the oven to slow cook, and to get back on my diet. Chocolate for breakfast turns out not to be the best idea.

I am trying not to focus on the past, but to think about the future. Experts might say that this isn't the best idea, but I am doing what will make it the easiest for me. Selfish maybe, but I need to get stronger.

I have learned that grief robs you of normal thoughts. Most important is your short term memory. In other words, going to the kitchen to get something, and then forgetting what you came in there for.

My long term memory is also effected. Jim was sending my brother pictures today from our cruises. I could not remember which ports we went to. I actually had to look them up.

I did hear a voice in my head this morning. It said Good Morning Mom. I said good morning. Maybe it was my imagination, or maybe it was Joe. I don't want to not believe it, but I also know that it could be a coping thing for me.

For now, whatever works is what I am going with.

For anyone reading this who is also having problems, remember one good day, does not mean all good days from now own. It just means a little vacation from the pain. I will take all the good I can get.
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Old February 17th, 2009, 08:11 AM
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Luanne, I think about you a lot. All of us wish we had the right words to say to make everything better. But those words don't exist. So for now all we can do is send our love and prayers and hope that heals what words can't.
Keep doing what you're doing and know we care about you.
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Old February 17th, 2009, 08:41 AM
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continuing to pray for you and your family.
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Old February 17th, 2009, 09:25 AM
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I had the most wonderful dream last night. I got to talk and hold my baby.

No regrets, but reassurance of what has to be done. I told him how much I missed him, and said "Why mom, I am with you more now than ever."

He said he was happy, and at peace. I asked him if dieing hurt, and he said "Only for a little while." He said "They wanted me to live, but I just couldn't"

Yesterday was a pretty good day. A lot less tears, and more productivity. I do feel myself getting stronger. I also feel myself missing him less and less. I still say this is not something that any mother or father should have to go through.

No one deserves this.

Yesterday I finally got up enough energy to re-pot the plants we received for the funeral. There were so many, I gave them away when people came to the house, but I did keep about 6 of them. You should have seen me. I had dirt everywhere. Jim also helped, and that made it easier.

One of Joe's best friends is in basic training in San Antonio. He was not able to attend the funeral, but his girl friend sent me a letter. He blames himself for not being there to save Joe. If there is anything I want this killer to know, is that he not only destroyed Joe's life, but so many others too.

I am glad others were not there. We might have multiple deaths, and that would have been worse. I feel like I raised, or help raise most of these boys. My house was the hang out. Now I worry about all of them. They also have to learn to live without Joe. It's not going to be easy.I had the most wonderful dream last night. I got to talk and hold my baby.

No regrets, but reassurance of what has to be done. I told him how much I missed him, and said "Why mom, I am with you more now than ever."

He said he was happy, and at peace. I asked him if dieing hurt, and he said "Only for a little while." He said "They wanted me to live, but I just couldn't"

Yesterday was a pretty good day. A lot less tears, and more productivity. I do feel myself getting stronger. I also feel myself missing him less and less. I still say this is not something that any mother or father should have to go through.

No one deserves this.

Yesterday I finally got up enough energy to re-pot the plants we received for the funeral. There were so many, I gave them away when people came to the house, but I did keep about 6 of them. You should have seen me. I had dirt everywhere. Jim also helped, and that made it easier.

One of Joe's best friends is in basic training in San Antonio. He was not able to attend the funeral, but his girl friend sent me a letter. He blames himself for not being there to save Joe. If there is anything I want this killer to know, is that he not only destroyed Joe's life, but so many others too.

I am glad others were not there. We might have multiple deaths, and that would have been worse. I feel like I raised, or help raise most of these boys. My house was the hang out. Now I worry about all of them. They also have to learn to live without Joe. It's not going to be easy.


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Old February 19th, 2009, 09:29 AM
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Thinking of you with prayers. Sometimes our good dreams about people we've lost are so realistic. I believe that there is a message in this for us.
Bless you.
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  #47 (permalink)  
Old February 19th, 2009, 10:34 AM
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Sorry about not posting yesterday. After I managed to get everything I needed done, I was just to tired for words.

Josh went to his first Therapy appointment. I stayed in there for a few minutes until he got use to it, then left. He said he did okay, and felt better, but decided he didn't want to go back. I expected that, so I was ready to insist that he try it at least one more time.

A very nice lady from the Victims Assistance office working with the DA called. She will be our new point of contact.

We need to meet with the DA before Jim goes to Iraq. I have so many questions. I also let her know that Jim would be gone for 6 months, so we are hoping the trial will be after he gets back.

I had hoped that we could get all of this behind us, and not go into 2010. Needless to say, 2009 won't be noted as a good year.

I continue to do better in the mornings, than I do in the afternoons, and evenings. The only thing I can think of, is that I am so tired, and because I saw Joe more at night.

I think the way I cope, is to not think about Joe.

The phone calls and e-mails have just about stopped now. I guess people have moved on with their lives. I sure am trying to do just that, but it seems so hard. It also seems so unfair that we can, but Joe can't. At least not in this life.

I still go in his old room, about once a day. I sit on the bed, and hold his pillow up to my face. I noticed last night, that the smell is fading.

Soon, that to will be gone forever.

I still think about getting out to the cemetery to put flowers on his grave. They have such strict rules, I need to find the right kind of pot, to put them in.

I guess Memorial Day he will have a small flag on his grave. He would have liked that. He is not a vet, but is the child of a Vet, so should be included.

You know, they say you change after something like this happens. In me the change has been the small things that use to drive me crazy. They just don't seem to matter anymore.

How much time do you spend, worrying about the small stuff?
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Old February 19th, 2009, 11:17 AM
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MTL, I just wanted to tell you how sorry, I am for your profound loss of your 2 sons. Everyone's grief is so personal. Some speak of it, some don't. I hope someday, you will find the right person to help you walk this road. A parent should not have bury a child. You have lived it twice. I send a prayer for you across the miles.
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Old February 20th, 2009, 09:27 AM
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Horrible day yesterday. I just seem to have given up, but I am back to almost normal this morning.

I look forward to Jim's trip to Little Rock in April. He wants me to go with him, and I couldn't be more pleased. It will be so nice to get out, and not have everything remind me of Joe.

I booked the motel, and it has an indoor pool. I like the idea of swimming, because I can cry all I want, and no one will worry about me.

Still obsessing about flowers on Joe's grave. I have to find the right vase, and get it done. I hate going out there, but I also can't stand the thought of him not having something.

I dreamed about the shooter last night. We was coming after me, and I was forced with the decision of shooting him. I just couldn't do it, because I didn't want to put his mother through what we have had to deal with.

I have worried about his mom. As I have said, I would not wish this on anyone, even his mother.

Yesterday a man came to clean our living room furniture. It was so sad and pathetic that I because sad that he was washing away Joe's dirt.

But, you just can't help it. You try so hard to hold on to whatever you can, of what use to be.

I need to one day gather all of Joe's remaining stuff together, and put it all away. In one box will be his birth certificate, pass port, and death certificate. How sad is that?

I continue to read about mothers who have lost their sons. Reasons: Troubled home life, drugs, bad neighborhoods, etc. None of that applies to us. This should not have happened
.
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Old February 20th, 2009, 09:35 AM
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Luanne, I can't comprehend the battles you've been fighting in your mind. I wish there was a way to make it all stop hurting and so you can move forward. This is the way the road to healing winds around our soul I suppose. It takes someone strong to walk that path. I also admire your concern about the Mother of the young man who took your son from you. It shows your true character.

I hope your time away gives you a reprieve from your grief and gives you and Jim some time together without all the other things going on in the background.
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Old February 21st, 2009, 07:59 AM
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Luanne,

I have wanted to respond for some time now.

It isn’t always easy responding under these circumstances.

How do you comfort someone who is hurting? Someone whom you know only peripherally? Someone whose loss isn’t the same as your own?

You have lost your son; and the pain you feel is something I cannot imagine. I am not a parent, and have no way to understand your loss on an emotional level.

I can however relate to the loss of a loved one. Dad passed away 19 September 2008.

On my way to work that day, Mom called and told me to get over to their house right now. I asked what the hell was going on – and Mom told me to hurry.

I arrived to find sheriff’s cars, rescue units, and medical examiners cars in our driveway. I bolted past them, upstairs, and plunged headlong into a sheriff’s deputy. Pushing him aside, I called out for Mom, to find out what was going on, fearing the worst.

Finding Mom, she told me, “He’s gone…”

I felt like a horse had kicked me in the stomach……….

Frightened and angry, I wanted to see Dad. I went down the hall to his room, and found him lying on the bed.

An image that still haunts me……..

Not the end of it, the deputies asked me questions about Dad’s end. About how this could have happened. I don’t suppose that the fact that he was 86 years old, with a frail heart, had anything to do with it. They seemed to be fishing for a culprit, which angered me quite a bit. It wasn’t enough that Dad was gone, but I was made to answer questions about his death.

The medical examiners team wheeled Dad out on a gurney, down the stairs, into their van.

A few hours later, I went home, and worn out, went to bed.

I awoke later to someone sitting on the foot of my bed. My house is particularly secure – no one gets in.

Angry that someone was in my room, I sat upright to confront the intruder.

In the dark, Dad told me he was OK and not to worry about him.

Thinking someone was playing a cruel joke on me, I searched my house from stem to stern, every light on, checking every lock.

Finding no sign of intruders, I went back to bed, particularly unsettled.

I couldn’t think of a rational explanation, other than that I was hallucinating. Perhaps my mind wasn’t ready to let go. Perhaps I dreamed it all. Or perhaps it was real……

Whatever the case, Dad on his bed, haunted me for several weeks afterward.

Mom feels his presence; although I don’t, so far. I’m not so sure about matters of faith, and perhaps that has something to do with it.

Dad and I talked briefly about his Navy career over the years. For some reason, I feel compelled to research his Navy history. And in particular, the history of United States Navy heavy cruiser, USS Chicago CA 29.

What I have learned makes me feel more connected to him. United States Navy heavy cruiser, USS Chicago CA 29 was a particularly famous ship, flagship of the Chicago Group, the Southern Group at Savo island.

Dad, gun captain, left gun, turret 3, United States Navy heavy cruiser, USS Chicago CA 29 fired 8”/45 caliber main battery rifle projectiles at the enemy. At Tulagi, At Guadalcanal, at Savo Island, at Rennell island. Inspecting #3’s main battery rifles after Savo Island, Dad found turret 3 had the linings shot 10 inches out of its rifles. The United States Navy had never had any large-caliber warship fire its main battery rifle linings 10” out.

The United States Navy spent millions of dollars to replace all 9 of USS Chicago CA 29’s main battery rifles at Mare Island, San Francisco, California, United States.

Dad left behind a treasure-trove of photographs, that I’m just now beginning to catalog. Dad never really talked about his service about USS Chicago CA 29. But I should have picked up the signals. Downstairs, Dad has a framed pre-World War 2 photograph of USS Chicago CA 29. Dad left behind a photograph of Division 3, USS Chicago CA 29, Pearl Harbor, Honolulu, Hawaii, circa 1940. It’s quite something to put faces to the young men of Division 3, USS Chicago CA 29, that sailed their large-caliber warship into harm’s way, and pounded the enemy.

It’s hard to imagine Dad as an 18-year-old First-Class gun captain……..

The more I understand Dad’s Navy career, the more I am awed…..

I don’t suppose it’s every day that a youngster is awed by his dad……..

The awe that culminated at Willamette National Cemetary, Portland, Oregon, 1 October 2008. The day that the United States Navy laid Dad to rest…..

I’ve never attended a United States Navy committal service. I really wish Dad would have been there to see it. He would have been impressed.

A United States Navy Honor Guard withdrew Dad’s casket from his coach and escorted him to his waiting place. Nine United States Navy enlisted men, heads bowed, stood watch over Dad. United States Navy riflemen fired volleys. A United States Navy bugler played Taps.

United States Navy servicemen crisply folded Dad’s United States flag, and presented it to Mom.

To me, he was always Dad. At Willamette National Cemetary, I came to realize that he was something more than just Dad. Dad was part of something much larger than himself and much larger than myself. Dad participated with much vigor in the Greatest Generation. Dad was gun captain, left gun, turret 3, United States Navy heavy cruiser, USS Chicago CA 29.

Dad fired 8” main battery rifle projectiles in the most important battles of the Pacific. United States Navy heavy cruiser, USS Chicago CA 29 was the second ship into Pearl Harbor after the Japanese attack. USS Chicago CA 29 fired 8” large-caliber main battery rifle projectiles at Tulagi, Guadalcanal, and Rennell Island. USS Chicago CA 29 defeated 3 Japanese midget submarines at Sydney Harbor, Sydney, Australia.

It isn’t always in life that we come to appreciate our loved ones. Sometimes they have to pass on for us to fully grasp their magnitude.

And while they’re not with us any longer, they are with us nonetheless. And while Dad no longer knocks at my door, I can visit him any time I like.

And while Dad is gone; he isn’t really. For as long as I remember him, he is always with me.

It’s comforting to know that Dad is watching over me……

And perhaps that is their greatest gift – to look after us.

A Nun I used to know told me never to drive faster than my angels could fly. I don’t drive faster than Dad can fly…….
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Old February 21st, 2009, 10:36 AM
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Thank you Dean, and to so many others who have opened your hearts to tell me the story of your loss.

Your Dad would have been very proud of you.
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Old February 21st, 2009, 01:13 PM
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I was thinking about the title "A Mother's Recovery" I'm not so sure that will ever happen. To say you recover is to say you are back to the way you were, and I don't see myself getting there. In many ways, that mother died with her son on Jan. 11, 2009.

What I can do is regain a little of what I have lost, as a person, and build towards a new me.

Joe inherited my love of people. I still have that, and can regain it for my new life. Joe also inherited my love of making others laugh, I still have that.

I have done a lot of thinking in the last couple of weeks. Who am I really, and what is my mission. There must be one, or I would have been the one to die, and not our baby. So, what is it I am to do?

I guess time will tell on what my mission is. Do you know what your mission is?

Many people have told me that Joe is now my guardian Angel. I hope not. Joe would be great in a hospital ward, with a child who has known only pain a suffering all their lives. He would be great for the man who was down on his luck, and trying to find answers in a bottle.

I have not felt Joe around me this week. No songs in my head, no warm touches to my heart.

I think my baby has gone on to help others. I think he feels like now that his mom and dad and brother will hold each other up, and can now be left to stand on their own.

I feel so much stronger than I use to be. My heart is still broken, but the pain is not so great.

Yesterday was a very good day. I went to the school where I use to work, and made a commitment to come back in the fall. My job is to be there for all of these kids, who are not as lucky as my Joe. They don't have Heaven to live in, but their own hell.

I also spent time with two people who have made such a difference in my life. Thanks Jim D and Debbie. I love you both so much. You make me laugh through the tears, and you truly have carried me.

I have so many of you to thank. You have truly been there for me, and I will forever be grateful. Without you, and would have given up completely.

To my dear hubby, who I love with all my heart. The Army made me independent, so we are both use to me making decisions for us all, but when this happened, you took over, and was the man that so many admire, and love. You are truly the wind beneath my wings.

To Josh, You were my little gift from God. You were everything we ever wanted, and prayed for. I am so proud of you, and the man you have become.

To Joe, I didn't bond with you when you were born. As I sat there holding you for the first time, I didn't know how I would ever love another baby like I did Josh.

You insisted that I not only love you, but to use all the patients a person will ever have. You learned to run, not walk. The sky was your top, and you refused to look down. You also caused me to buy so much hair color, you improved the stock in the company.

You made every teacher consider early retirement, but you also made them realize why they were so drawn to teaching.

You were here so short of time, but you made such a difference in people's lives, and so many will never forget what you have done for them.

Thank you my love, for teaching me so much about life. I will see you again one day. Until then, take care..

Joseph Daniel Russo
1988-2009


Trip or Mike, Please take this off sticky I am ready to move on now, and thank you.



Yes, as the saying goes, "I have come a long way baby" I have a ways to go, but for once I do see the light at the end of the tunnel.
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Old February 21st, 2009, 02:56 PM
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Lu

Not sure what the cause was of you losing Joe when trying to read above as I just picked this up. But you have lost him and my heart goes out to you, and tonight I feel your pain.

Take care
David
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Old February 21st, 2009, 08:23 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by DayvidB
Lu

Not sure what the cause was of you losing Joe when trying to read above as I just picked this up. But you have lost him and my heart goes out to you, and tonight I feel your pain.

Take care
David
Thank you David. My son was murdered in Jan.
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Old February 23rd, 2009, 01:29 PM
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my thoughts are even more with you and they will no doubt come into my days for quite a while. You take care

so sorry
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Old February 23rd, 2009, 02:08 PM
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Thank you David.

My days are getting better. I cry less, and count my blessings more.

My baby is in a safe place now. I never have to worry about him again.

I miss him, and my heart is broken, but he is with me always.
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Old February 24th, 2009, 06:03 PM
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Luanne, you and yours are in my prayers and thoughts each and every day.
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Good people sleep peaceably in their beds at night only because rough men stand ready to do violence on their behalf.

Courage and perserverance have a magical talisman; before which difficulties disappear and obstacles vanish into the air.

Pick your company wisely! Hang around people who are going to help you become all God created you to be.
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Old February 25th, 2009, 09:52 AM
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It seems that I was not ready after all, to stop writing my feelings. I didn't realize how much better it made me feel, until I stopped.

So here I am again.

Yesterday was very busy. Jim came home in the morning, and spend the rest of the day with me. His employers have been wonderful. Telling him to take whatever time he needed.

We had lunch with our friend Sally. I have noticed that I ask for a window seat. This was never a consideration before, but suspect it has to do with the light. I am not afraid of the dark, but when sitting around, need light shining on me. Strange but true.

I woke up angry yesterday. I was mad at the world. Why why us? But yet why not us. A lot of mixed emotions.

This was not a throwing stuff anger, but a rolling around in your gut anger. My anger never last very long. I don't like the feel of anger, so it usually turns to hurt.

Anger is of course part of the range you go through, when you are grieving for a lost love one.

After we left Sally, we went to the cemetery. This time it went a little better, but I have learned not to look at his name on the head stone. I wanted to see what the flowers looked like that my dear friend Debbie placed on his grave. They were very special, using not only the state flower, but using the high school colors.

I noticed there were rocks on his grave, and almost removed them, but realized that some were a bit large to have gotten there by themselves, so thought it might have been some of his friends, so I left them.

We always see the workers busy trying to keep things nice, and soon the grass will be green, and it will be beautiful. The cemetery sits on one of the many hills in this area, which allows you to see many miles away.

I was thinking yesterday that my baby is now a property owner.

Not long after we left there, we went to my therapy appointment. This time Jim went with me. Not for himself, but as a support for me. It was so nice to have him there.

Of course I poured my heart out. I am so tired of crying, but I can't seem to stop it, when it happens. It feels like my heart gets so full of sorrow, and my tears are the over flow.

Last night Jim, Josh and I sat down for our first family meeting since we lost Joe. It was good for us to talk, and for once Josh did his own talking. He has been worried about me being alone. That is why he didn't go back to work after our cruise. This was something I didn't know until last night.

We also talked about the holidays that will be here, before we know it. We decided to celebrate Josh's birthday before Jim leaves. We were never into birthday parties, but the boys would instead, pick an activity they wanted to do. Josh wants to go to the water park in San Antonio.

Before I would have let them go, but since Joe is not here any more, I will go this time, so that it will feel like it is more than just the two of them.

Joe and Josh had birthdays within a week of each other, so planning Josh's before it actually happens, makes a lot of sense. That way when it is time for Joe's, it can either not be observed, or can be done quietly.

This would have been a very special birthday for Joe. He has wanted to be 21 for years. When he would get mad at me, for whatever rule I had, and he of course didn't want to follow, he would say "You just wait until I'm 21" Now, my baby will never be 21.

Some people count the years after a death, and I suppose I will too, although I can't imagine waking up and saying "Well today Joe is 30"
Truth be told, Joe will never be 21 or 30. Birthdays are a count of your years on earth.

Christmas will be the hard one for me. It was always such a special time. The decorations were so personal, and the stocking with his name on it. It will also be rough, because not only will Joe be gone, but Jim as well. Jim should be home the first week in January, so we might just leave the tree up, and wait to celebrate when he gets home. I just don't know......

You know, the shooter destroyed Joe's life, and he is slowly trying to destroys ours as well. It's as if it's a tug of war with him, over who gets our life. We simply cannot let him win. He has done enough damage to us, and to Joe's friends.
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Old February 25th, 2009, 10:47 AM
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Still praying for you and your family. Now and especially as you approach the special events in your life and the holidays. You are so strong, you'll be amazed at the strength that you will have as each day passes and each holiday passes. You've already come so far in this horrible journey. The great thing is that everyday that you survive and eventually thrive is a day that the shooter loses and Satan loses. The Victory comes to those who continue on despite the efforts of evil. Prayers heading for you, may you continue to take some comfort in feeling His arms around you.
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