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Paul Motter September 9th, 2012 12:04 PM

A funny cruise monologue
I got this email today from a gentleman who has some newer cruise jokes which he relayed to me in the form of a monologue. Here is the email:

Good morning Paul,We have just returned from an 8-Day cruise on the Carnival Freedom. A couple traveling with us met a passenger in the casino and told us he was going to be doing a one man show in the piano bar when we depart Aruba. I did shoot some video but the quality was horrible but I did manage to tape most of it.

There had to be at least forty of us there and in many ways the highlight of our cruise.I did get his card and believe he should be working in the industry. We have done 17 cruises and never been so entertained by a fellow passenger.

Over the address system:“Good morning ladies and gentlemen. Are we ready to have some fun? We will begin boarding in a few moments. But before we do we have a very special request of all our passengers. Would you mind going directly to the Lido deck or other public areas as quietly as possible as it is nap time for our crew for the next hour and after our last cruise this nap is badly needed.

Those of you who have cruised with us before and think it is ok to sneak to your cabin – this time we ask you please not to do that as you will wake your cabin steward before 1:30.”(first night welcome)(have staff hand out ‘skinny’ cards to 6 guests)Good morning ladies and gentlemen.

Welcome aboard the Carnival Fun Ship……(long pause) (when someone says the name of the ship) Thanks mam I am getting old and forget small details from time to time. Have you sailed with Carnival before? That’s great perhaps you would be so kind as to come up here and help me out in case I make any minor boo boo’s.

Thanks for being willing to help me…your name is? How may cruises have you been on? You single by any chance? (have a stool brought over for her to sit). Well once again welcome aboard the Carnival ________. Before we get started I have been asked, well told, I was to make a few small apologies. There is no truth to the rumor that our itinerary has changed from Cozumel to Key West because the Capt. Does not have a valid green card and unable to leave American waters. That was last week and his paperwork issues have been resolved.

Management at Carnival has asked me to apologize to those people stuck in the glass elevators thinking that they would be transported to the front or back of the ship depending on which way they were facing.

We would also like to thank everyone for being so quite during the boarding process. This allowed our crew and Capt. To finish their naps and they are now all fired up, rested and ready to make this the best 14 day cruise you have ever enjoyed. (look at Mary)(conversation with Mary)What do you mean this is not a 14 day cruise? You 100% sure? Well I think you need to tell that to these nice people. Let them be mad at you that their cruise is only 5 days and not the 14 days I just told them they were about to enjoy.

Folks I am sorry but we have to do what Mary tells us as she is the experienced cruiser up here on stage. I know how disappointed you must be but remember it is Mary’s fault not mine.

Mary do you want to give out your cabin number for these good people to talk to you later?

And folks the last apology I think management wanted me to make is there is almost no truth to the rumor that while you are on your shore excursions the crew use your cabins for sleeping. I guess it was just me who thought that was the system.

As you explore this wonderful ship as a courtesy to your fellow passengers please keep in mind that the stairs on the left only go up and the stairs on the right only go down. Children are not allowed in elevators except between the hours of 1am and 3am. Too drunk to drive home just call the front desk for our US Coast Guard approved take a drunk home program.

Can’t swim and still want to be able to get off the ship in any of our Ports of Call? Swim classes are every night at 6pm in the upper deck wadding pool.

For those of you who booked an Ocean View cabin and all you can see is the parking lot. This cruise we have decided to leave it behind so as soon as we get into international waters the parking lot will be gone and you will have an ocean view once all the cars finish sinking.

We have an action packed cruise planned for you. The Shore Excursion office is open usually when you see staff standing behind the desk. They are a mine of useful information of things to do and see at our Ports of Call. I do want to stress the importance of being on time.

Especially for departure times. No matter the local time we remain on ships time. For those of you who purchased those expensive watches showing different time zones I would suggest you set them all to ships time. For example we depart the Port of Cozumel at 5pm ships time. And believe me we do depart at 5pm. You do not want to be late as we will no longer be there. All you have to do is ask the Capt. Tomorrow when we get to Cozumel if the ship really would leave anyone behind.

I think I speak for Mary and the rest of the crew when I tell you it will be nice to have our Capt. Back on the ship.

Folks this is a really big ship. Not a boat. You want to know just how big this ship is? (give Mary the ship specs to read)Wow I would have thought it would be considered massive and not just big with numbers like that. This does lead me to one issue we have to face every cruise:
Weight and balance.

For what may seem obvious to some keeping the ship upright is a rather important consideration. And as a result of the importance of weight and balance some of you may be asked to change rooms later today. It seems that Carnival Reservations booked too many skinny people on this cruise which can lead to a serious balance issue while cruising. Our management team being on top of this possible issue have done the following to address this possible problem:

Some of you were given little yellow cards when you came in. Would you mind standing up so we know who you are. Congratulations you are all winners of a free pizza coupon. Your coupon is good for any non vegetarian, non-low fat pizza at any time during your cruise. Please contact Mary for your coupon at the end of this presentation.

We have a wonderful casino on board. The only casino in the world with a do-over system. Any guest who can find the hidden do-over button can simply press the button if they do not win and they get to do it all over again until they win.

Carnival has a very strict smoking policy. Anyone caught smoking will be hosed down with cold water immediately. It is however acceptable for your cigarette to smoke and for you to be the sucker.

Lastly we wanted to let you know our staff is made up of wonderful people from over eighty different nations. We are all here to make sure this is the finest cruise possible for you and your family. Anything we can do for you is our pleasure as long as Mary says it is ok. As you get to know the ship and her wonderful staff feel free to ask anyone for anything you might need. Just remember I wanted this to be a 14 day cruise but Mary made us change that to just 5 wonderful days of fun. So be careful who you ask for what.

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Waiting4acruise September 9th, 2012 01:56 PM

That was funny.

jamiesmith September 9th, 2012 05:03 PM

Very funny
I think we met this guy on the Legend earlier this year. If it is the same guy he kept us in stiches every time we saw him.

ToddDH September 13th, 2012 10:13 PM

That is hilarious! The guy is worth his weight in Gold.

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