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Old December 4th, 2001, 08:38 PM
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Default Disneyland to Open in Afghanistan

The following was written in all good fun and as a joke and is meant to offend no one. I apologize in advance to anyone offended by the following. Walt Disney, Inc. and anyone and everyone associated with Disney had nothing to do with the authoring of the following. The following was written to try and get a little laugh out of everyone during this very difficult time.


Disneyland-Kabul will open to the public by the Summer of 2002. The park will combine all the magic that is Disney with the hostility of Afghanistan to create a Disney park that only the ultra-Islamic crowd could love. The park will be divided into five main lands: Main Street-Kabul, Fantasyland, Jihad Square, Al Qaeda Island, and OsamaTown. Many rides and attractions have already been designed including:


* As you walk into the park the first place you encounter will be Main Street. This area of the park combines both shops and attractions. You will find many specialty shops like: Guns-R-Us, Blow-U-Up, Missile Junction, Box-Cutters Etcetera, and many more. The tents are reminiscent of a Kabul dirt-street marketplace. Here you will feel as if you were outside the park in any actual Kabul street marketplace only that the prices are much higher because it's a Disney park;

*Disney's UN Coalition Parade: UN coalitions roll armor down the middle of the street and ask spectators and shop keepers if they've seen bin Laden. (Dates and Times subject to change depending on the weather and whether the U.S. and U.N. let the North Alliance do all the work for them).


*As you come to the end of Main Street you will approach "the Hub" or the center part of the park from which you can reach any and all the other lands. Here you will find a beautiful life-size bronze statue depicting Osama bin Laden standing hand-in-hand with his friend and protector, Mullah Mohammed Omar. This central statue, titled "Marters" is the perfect image of Osama and Omar, without whose joint-venture there would be no Taliban;

*Public Executions: Here at the hub you may experience public executions three times a day. Usually, women and children but, if you are lucky you may catch one of a public official or media personality. (Please refer to your map for dates and times. A small fee applies if you would like front row seats. Please go to guests services upon entering the park for seat reservations);


*Crash-Tours: Combining the technologies used for such Disney rides as "Star Tours" and "Soaring Over California", this ride is basically a flight simulator that teaches you how to fly and crash both a 747 & 757 passenger jets;

*Shooting Gallery: This Disney classic, usually found in Frontierland, will be upgraded to A.K.-47s and should be fun for the whole Afghani family as you take aim at Bush dummies, American prisoners, and women who break the Islamic law. (This attraction may not be included with the admission ticket price);

*Instant Marter: This attraction consists of building your own bomb from House-hold chemicals & cleaners usually found around your house. Then you strap it on, run into a crowded street and enjoy the ride. (This attraction can only be experienced during the last hour of a normal business day in order to give you the opportunity to first enjoy all other rides and attractions in the park beforehand);

*The Haunted Mud Shack: Like it's Predecessor, "The Haunted Mansion," this place is also haunted but unlike it's predecessor this one's haunted by only one ghost, without room for "one more," to make room for the one-rider at a time crowd;


*Al Qaeda Island: This area of the park, an island in Rivers of Arabia taking shape from it's predecessor "Tom Sawyer Island," will be home to a series of "Injun Joe" type caves. But be careful, Osama may be hiding in one of them;

*Fort Taliban: This fort, armed with fully loaded AK 47s and Grenade-Launchers was designed in honor of those who fell during the Soviet-Afghani War;


*Aladdin's Revenge: This ride takes you through the story of Aladdin and his lamp and how with the Genie's help Aladdin is able to destroy America. (This ride is of course found in Fantasyland). (Note: Jasmine only has small parts in this story, is not allowed to speak and must be completely covered at all times);

*The Mad Turban Party: Here you will enjoy a ride aboard giant turbans that spin when you turn the steering wheel;

*Malice in Talibanland: This ride will take you through the story of the Taliban as they ravaged towns, raped the women and stole all the food from the villagers. (Children must at least be three years old to ride);

*It's an Islamic World After All: Enough said;


*Osama bin Laden's House: Here you can visit the great bin Laden's home as he left it when he went into hiding. This one-bedroom mud-brick adobe comes complete with bullet holes and dirt floor. (Meet Osama is temporarily closed due to the current hunt for him but if you are lucky you may find him hiding in one of the many caves in Al-Qaeda Island).

(Disclaimer: Disney and Afghanistan are not responsible for any injuries caused by Daisy-Cutter and Cluster bombs that may be dropped by American Forces. Beards and turbans are required for men entering the park. Remember, No Beards, No Turbans, No Service and possible execution).
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