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Old January 9th, 2009, 10:45 PM
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Default Inappropriate behavior of solo male travelers

Recently my mother, sister and I took a wonderful 10 day Mediterranean cruise from Spain. The ship was gorgeous and the ports of call were exciting. My favorite being Monte Carlo. The only negative aspect of the cruise was a man with a room two doors down from ours and across the corridor. While we were embarking he was behind us and we all chatted in a friendly manner about the weather and our previous cruise experiences. He seemed very nice and kind hearted. When we got on board and went to the buffet after putting our bags in our room he popped up in the dining room and asked if he could join us. My mother invited him to pull up a chair. Immediately he started making off-color remarks. My mother giggled and seemed delighted by his company. Sis and I were totally put off by his behavior and left earlier then if he had not joined us. Later that evening mom went out to walk around before dinner and happened to pass his open cabin door as he was getting ready to leave. They starting talking about a mutual love of fly fishing and he invited her in and offered her a glass of champagne and the two of them sat out on his balcony for 30 or 40 minutes. My sister and I found this rather inappropriate as our mother is 72 and this man is 41. Mom seemed giddy as she talked about him and told us that they would be meeting later for dancing and drinks. Throughout the cruise they were like two peas in a pod. Mom was out from morning to late in the evening. Some fellow guests reported that they were overly romantic in the jacuzzi. I have no idea if this is true but at this point I would not be surprised. Dad has only been in his grave for 7 months and mom is acting like he never exsisted! Mom ignored my sister and I for most of the cruise and told us to mind our own beeswax. In a way I was glad when we all disembarked.

I have no idea what to make of all this. The guy knows that mom lives on social security and what ever money my sister and I giver her for life's little splurges. This man has his own home and a good job. Now that she is home she contacts him via skype and is on the webcam til all hours of the day and night.

My mother is planning to spend a couple weeks at his home in Montana next month. He is paying for her plane ticket. My sister and I are perplexed and hurt by our mothers outrageous behavior. She has no time to baby-sit or listen to our problems. It is all about her and her new love boat boy toy. My brothers think we should back off and let mom have one last hurrah.
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Old January 10th, 2009, 12:24 AM
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I'm seeing several red flags here. First of all, no woman should EVER enter a man's cabin unless she is with someone else. Since they had very recently met and your mom was cordial and friendly and he appeared to be harmless, she thought it would be o.k. Turns out it was. That might not always be the case.

I've cruised solo as a single woman over 25 times and have had my share of "options" and invitations. One of the main reasons I choose cruises for vacations is that there are so many public areas to get to know someone - dancing, lounges, games, pools, bars, shows. I also always have a "phantom" brother and sister-in-law (usually a couple I meet early in the cruise) who I say I'm traveling with. I've even "borrowed" a husband one time when I was shopping for jewelry and didn't want to be high-pressured.

While I understand your mom's desire to meet new people, men and women, I think she might want to cool this latest meeting. People can say a lot of things online that might not be true and, yes, there ARE men out there who would prey on a single older woman, especially one whose husband is recently deceased. Caution!
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Old January 10th, 2009, 09:54 AM
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I agree and my sister and I are considering a background check. We are looking at various online options.
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Old January 10th, 2009, 10:48 AM
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Remember one thing - keep your mothers best interests in mind -
I do agree with the other post. There are too many places to meet on board other than his cabin. If you feel you must check him out, then do so by all means. Google him for a start and go from there. Be careful not to hurt your Mother's feelings.
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Old January 10th, 2009, 11:48 AM
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By all means background check at least it may make you feel better. But let mom go for it. It does seem a little odd if this guy is 41 that he can't get someone his own age. What does he look like? Is mom still hot for her age? I have seen some older broads that still look pretty good but there is a wide variance at that age.
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Old January 10th, 2009, 12:51 PM
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Do a zabasearch. http://www.zabasearch.com/ Then find out what county he is in. You can do a county search of his records. Check criminal records also. He could be a con man or he just likes your mom.
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Old January 10th, 2009, 01:02 PM
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My mother keeps herself in good physical shape but smokes like chimney and drinks more then she should. She eats healthy though and has used a juicer for years. She takes tons of supplements and walks 2 or 3 miles a day.
When she first got home from the cruise she went to a local medical day spa and got injections for her smokers lines. Using some kind of filler. My brothers wife suspects she has had a recent round of botox. We have no idea where she found the money for these procedures and suspect that her love boat guy has sent her some money.

So all in all I guess she looks better than average. She does not look younger then her years though.

The 41 year old man is attractive, tall, and balding with dark hair but works outside so is in good shape.
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Old January 10th, 2009, 01:07 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by peanutbrittle
My mother keeps herself in good physical shape but smokes like chimney and drinks more then she should. She eats healthy though and has used a juicer for years. She takes tons of supplements and walks 2 or 3 miles a day.
When she first got home from the cruise she went to a local medical day spa and got injections for her smokers lines. Using some kind of filler. My brothers wife suspects she has had a recent round of botox. We have no idea where she found the money for these procedures and suspect that her love boat guy has sent her some money.

So all in all I guess she looks better than average. She does not look younger then her years though.

The 41 year old man is attractive, tall, and balding with dark hair but works outside so is in good shape.
Interesting... I say let her have fun. You also mention because of him she doesn't have time to baby sit or listen to your problems. Is that a little selfish?
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Old January 10th, 2009, 01:51 PM
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Like some members who have been observing the postings to this subject we wonder if this is the appropriate venue for such discussion. It has nothing to do with cruising in the literal term other than that the first encounter of much intrigue occured on a ship. Dear Abby comes to mind...
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Old January 10th, 2009, 01:51 PM
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Default Good for her! But she should be precautious

Sounds like your mother is living HER life the way she'd like...she is a grown woman...though i do agree that she should be a little precautious. Though alot people, specially mothers, have a little "alarm" for things when they seem off...
All in all it sounds like she's made a connection with this man. Im sure it is hard for you since it sounds like you are still grieveing for your fathers loss. I found it kinda of "funny" that you complain" she doesnt want to baby sit or listen to your problems..its all about her!" Sounds like your used to it being all about YOU and now that its not..your a tad bit jealous perhaps?
None of my buisness really but you did put it out there! Hopefully he's a genuine person and your mom enjoys the rest of her time on this earth the way she see's fit!
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Old January 10th, 2009, 05:22 PM
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I can see both sides of the arguments here.

Mom is an adult and has her life to live. You seem to be somewhat selfish about the lack of a baby sitter and a sounding board.

On the other side of the coin though, I can see that this fellow could be a shark and looking to find a woman who might have a "pot of gold" that he can gather himself.

Do look into his background and make certain he is harmless for her. She seems, by your description, to be vulnerable and she needs to be watched over.
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Old January 11th, 2009, 10:22 PM
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Default Inappropriate behavior of solo male travelers ......

..... according to what standard, yours or theirs ?
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Old January 12th, 2009, 11:42 AM
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Default Re: Inappropriate behavior of solo male travelers ......

Quote:
Originally Posted by kookylabooka
..... according to what standard, yours or theirs ?
Why do you accuse all solo males of predatory behavior or even think it is typical?
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Old January 12th, 2009, 12:13 PM
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Something that may have been overlooked here is grief. You state your father had only died seven months prior to this encounter. May I ask about their marriage? It is not uncommon for people to grieve in a manner that may seem shocking to others. For women, this often takes the form of "total" makeovers, breast augmentations, face lifts, change in their dress, extreme behaviors, etc... If your father died after a long illness it can be different than a sudden death. If the marriage had her feeling trapped, she may just be acting out based on that feeling of some relief.
As long as mom is safe, I see no harm in this. Tell her how you are feeling, let her know your concerns and then let her do what she wants.

(No, I am not Dear Abbey, but have some insight.)
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Old January 12th, 2009, 12:42 PM
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I'm sorry, but it is your mom's right to have a relationship that is not about you and your sister and regardless of your standards for her behavior. Maybe she is vulnerable, but maybe it just helps her to know that there is another guy out there that she wants to get to know better. The age difference may not be an issue, excpet for your feelings.

I know, I married a much younger man when everyone (except my best friend) said I was nuts to do it, and that was when they were being polite. The irony is that when we met, it seemed like the age thing would result in us never being serious about each other and so we both just relaxed and enjoyed our time together. And that turned out to be the best way for me to find the right guy. Been married for 20 years now, and he does help keep me young...in attitude, no botox needed.

Love is unpredictable, so let your mom have her fun and while I can see expressing your concerns to her, please make sure that they are concerns about her well being, not your baby sitting needs. Or what other people might think about the relationship.
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Old January 12th, 2009, 03:31 PM
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First off, your mother is an adult, but you do have some valid points. I think her going to his cabin and visiting his home is odd, but she is an adult.

I would talk to her and let her know how much you care and that you don't want her to be used or taken advantage of. She deserves to be happy, but she has to remember, there are men out there looking for a sugar momma and to be careful and cautious.

If this man was in his 60's it would have been OK, no one would say anything else, but a man 30+ years younger, that is unusual....
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Old January 12th, 2009, 04:27 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by peanutbrittle
My mother keeps herself in good physical shape but smokes like chimney and drinks more then she should. She eats healthy though and has used a juicer for years. She takes tons of supplements and walks 2 or 3 miles a day.
When she first got home from the cruise she went to a local medical day spa and got injections for her smokers lines. Using some kind of filler. My brothers wife suspects she has had a recent round of botox. We have no idea where she found the money for these procedures and suspect that her love boat guy has sent her some money.
So all in all I guess she looks better than average. She does not look younger then her years though.

The 41 year old man is attractive, tall, and balding with dark hair but works outside so is in good shape.
A couple of people have worried that he was looking for a sugar momma. However, this woman is on a limited income and he seems to have given her money for botox. So this doesn't seem to be the case. I would only check his background to be on the safe side, he seems on the up and up.

I think that you are grieving your father and you feel your mom has moved on to soon. As reverend Jeff pointed out everyone grieves differently. Also if your mom has never lived alone in her 72 years she may have found it difficult to be alone and now she has a charming man she enjoys spending time with. If you accept and get to know this new man you might find you like him. If you try and tell a 72 year old woman who she should see and not see things will not go well.
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Old January 13th, 2009, 08:40 AM
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If you are worried, maybe you can arrange for him to visit in your city, rather than your Mom going there. Or maybe a family member can accompany her there, for the first trip at least, to check things out.

As long as he is a "good guy", let her have fun.
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Old January 23rd, 2009, 10:36 PM
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Default Re: Inappropriate behavior of solo male travelers ......

Quote:
Originally Posted by DougR.
Quote:
Originally Posted by kookylabooka
..... according to what standard, yours or theirs ?
Why do you accuse all solo males of predatory behavior or even think it is typical?
It was not intended to be an accusation towards anybody.I do not know why you would think otherwise. What I meant was that everybody has different standards/ideas as to what constitutes inappropiate behavior.A solo male traveler speaking.
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Old January 24th, 2009, 02:36 AM
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I am going to play Devils Advocate here. I dont want to upset or offend anyone but I feel very strongly on this.

I am 43. My husband left me for someone much younger then me (half my age) in 2005. It took a while for me to start dating, but I met a guy who I really liked. He was 20. My daughter had a fit! She would throw things, bang the doors, be rude to him, everything she could think of to make him want to leave. She even called my son who was about 19 at time, he told her to mind her own business and leave me to mine. In the end, I gave in and stopped seeing him. She was pregnant and I did not want her to be constantly upset by my choice in a man. Yes, the guy was very young, however, we did have some things in common but on the other hand there were more things that we did not agree on. His having a real job for one. He never EVER asked me for money and always paid for dinner when we went out.

I probably would have ended it on my own with out her interferance as I was getting tired of some of the things that anoyed me about him. But I was very resentful to my daughter. I feel as though she butted into MY life. She was 16 and pregnat at the time by a guy who was 22. But she did not she any issues with that.

I am currently dating a officer in the Army and he is about 5 years younger then me, but she has known him for years and does not say much.

I am going to say that you probably need to mind your own business and let mom do as she will. I mean she was able to get to the age of 71 without you holding her hand. I know you love her and want the best for her, but what you will so is cause her to want to cling to this guy more. Doing a background check on him without her consent is a gross invasion of privacy. Hers and HIS. If you leave it alone, it will eventuly end. I know you are hurt by her decision to date so soon after the death of your father, but this is her way of getting dealing with it. When my husband left me, I nearly went crazy. I missed him beside me. I missed his presence. I missed that body in bed next to me. I missed the hand holding, the compaionship of a the oposite sex. Divorce is the death of a marriage. I went though what she is going though. She misses that which she had with your father. Give her sometime and she will come around. But dont push her. I still get angry with my daughter over how she acted back then. I am stronger now and pretty much tell her to mind her own business and when she beings to pay my bills then she can tell me what to do, how to live and whom to date.

I am sorry for all the info and for the lenght, but like I said, I do feel strongly about this as I went though it with my child. Good luck and trust in your mothers ability to make the right decision.
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Old January 24th, 2009, 02:59 PM
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tbowman,
Nice reply. Sharing your own story could not have been easy, but it made your point in a nonthreatening, very compassionate way.
Just FYI to the OP. I met a much younger man years ago. Everyone thought I was making a huge mistake....everyone, including my family, except my best friend. We will be celebrating our 20 th wedding anniversay this year...hopefully on a cruise.
Best to all of you,
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Old January 26th, 2009, 11:28 AM
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Default Re: Inappropriate behavior of solo male travelers ......

Quote:
Originally Posted by kookylabooka
Quote:
Originally Posted by DougR.
Quote:
Originally Posted by kookylabooka
..... according to what standard, yours or theirs ?
Why do you accuse all solo males of predatory behavior or even think it is typical?
It was not intended to be an accusation towards anybody.I do not know why you would think otherwise. What I meant was that everybody has different standards/ideas as to what constitutes inappropiate behavior.A solo male traveler speaking.
I was echoing your complaint about the OP's unfair title for this thread, not your comment.
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Old January 26th, 2009, 02:18 PM
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My first reaction was , its got to be a wind up. It dont as a life scenario or post add up...nearly got me

Clever though

God, the number of times I get approached on ship by the 60+ widow brigade,,,,,, 8)

Those open cabin doors and see through nighties.........
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Old January 26th, 2009, 06:21 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by colorcrazie
tbowman,
Nice reply. Sharing your own story could not have been easy, but it made your point in a nonthreatening, very compassionate way.
Just FYI to the OP. I met a much younger man years ago. Everyone thought I was making a huge mistake....everyone, including my family, except my best friend. We will be celebrating our 20 th wedding anniversay this year...hopefully on a cruise.
Best to all of you,
Marty
Thanks Marty. I still have issues with my daughter thinking that she is the parent in this relationship. Lsat niight she informs me that she had gone through some of our movies, vhs and Dvd's, and that she had thrown some away, since I did not watch them. I was ANGRY, to put it gently. She threw away my whole Star Trek collection. I am still mad. Lucky for her, I was able to get them back. I made her go dumster digging for them!!!!

Congrats on your anniversary. I was married just short of 10 years.
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Old January 27th, 2009, 02:28 PM
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Thanks. tbowman. Glad you put that young'un to dumpster diving. It's wierd how family can do things that they would never dream of doing to a friend. Come on, would she throw her friends' movies away?
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