Now this is rare! There aren't many jokes I haven't heard before. I'm friends with a comedian who tells me there are only 8 jokes in the world, the rest are variations of them. So, coming across a new one, I figured I just had to share it.
An Irishman was drinking at the pub all night. The bartender came up to him
and told him that the bar was closing. So the Irishman stood up to leave and
fell flat on his face. He tried to stand up one more time with the same
result. So he figured he'd just crawl outside, hang out for a while, get
some fresh air and hopefully that would sober him up. Once outside he stood
up and fell again - right on his face. He decided to crawl the mile back to
his home and when he arrived at the door, he tried one more time with the
same results. Exhausted, he then gave up and started crawling to the
bedroom. When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up. This
time he managed to pull himself upright but he quickly fell right into the
bed and fell sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow. The next
morning, he woke up with his wife standing over him shouting at him. "You've
been out drinking again, haven't you, you bastard!!" "What makes you say
that?" he asked as he put on an innocent look. "The pub called; you've left
your wheelchair there again."
That same man, returning in his vehicle to retrieve his wheelchair from the pub, attracted the attention of the local constable. Since he was speeding in his new sportscar and still feeling the affects of the prior night's bout with the bottle, he attempted to evade Shaun Law (as in John law, but this is Ireland). After a few miles he realized he wasn't going to get away and pulled over.
When the constable walked up to the vehicle he said "Look, its been a long night, I have been out all night looking for a drunk crawling the streets and I am dead tired. If you can give me one original excuse, one that I have never heard before, why you tried to run from me, I will let you go."
The guy thought for a few minutes then said "Well, my wife left me last night."
The constable started pulling out his ticket book and said "Sorry but thats not good enough".
The man immediatly replied, "yeah,but she left me for a cop, and I thought you were trying to give her back".