Met my cabinmate Debbie for coffee this morning, and she brought me an issue of TravelEssentials magazine; then groaned at me when I started looking through it and snickered a couple of times (“I should have KNOWN not to show you this!” were her exact words). So please don’t take offense; I’m having a slow day and have a bad case of the giggles today. Here goes…..
1. SHOE CARRIER: “give them their own travel bag!” yeah right, as if I don’t have enuf problems, they want to sell me a shoe carrier that only holds up to 6 pairs of women shoes!! couldn’t have been designed by a woman.
2. PURSES WITH BUILT-IN ANTI-THEFT PROTECTION: “stainless-steel cable in strap! … lightweight and fashionable (8-1/2 x 7 ‘ 1-1/2”); so where do I put my shopping bags!)
3. HIDE YOUR VALUABLES IN PLAIN SIGHT: “Where is the last place a thief would think to look for a strand of pearls or cash? How about inside a can of foot (Desenex) or hair spray (Rave)! … but the bottom of each can unscrews to reveal a handy compartment..” Hmm, that maybe could work! With my luck, I’d leave these at work & pack the real things!!!
4. DOOR STOP ALARM: “Place it at the base of your door, and anyone trying to enter your room will set off a shrill, pulsating, siren-alarm.” I know i’d forget the batteries.
5. JAMMER: device with suction cup to inside of sliding glass door. (save 60 cents if you buy 2 or more). “good idea to take along when traveling by train in Europe”. For some reason, i’ve always had problems with suction cups.
6. EVAC-U8 SMOKE HOOD: “just twist off the cap and remove from its compact canister, bite down on the snorkel-like filter, and pull the heat-resistant (800 degrees), Teflon-coated hood over your head.” Seeing is believing (Spring/Summer Reference Edition, p. 19). or maybe it’ll show up in www.magellans.com
. No comment, too busy LMAO.
7. MULTI WORKER: “the one with the scissors, stapler, pencil sharpener, tape measure, ballpoint pen, staple remover, carton opener and hole punch … it even has a little mini-drawer for carrying paper clips, extra staples, etc.” No excuse for not working now!!
8. SWISS ARMY KNIFE w/PEN: “2-1/4” inches includes small blade, scissors, tweezers, nail file with screwdriver tip, and even a miniature ball point pen!” Need I say more?
9. SECURITY BAG: constructed of flexible lead fabric to hold film. Just call me SuperWoman!
10. TOOL LITE DELUXE: Credit card size case includes a serrated knife with 2” blade, folding scissors, tweezer, flat screwdriver, Phillips and eyeglass screwdriver, nail file, toothpick, staple puller, ruler and a super bright red LED mini flashlight with replaceable 3-volt battery.” Decisions, decisions, right, guys?
11. TRAVEL WINE GLASSES: look like crystal, made of indestructible Lexan. what every cruiser needs!
12. TRAVEL DUCT TAPE !!! need I say more? two 8-foot rolls. oh be still my heart!!
13. PLATYPUS BOTTLES (i’m not kidding!): … “The Platypus, made of durable plastic laminate that is guaranteed not to leak or flavor your water, folds up when empty… holds a liter of water & includes a handy push-pull top.” I think I need that!
honest, the following is on page 44:
14. TRAVEL TOILET TISSUE: “Be ready when nature calls” (I have to admit I have this from last year’s land trip (never used)
15. URI-MATE URINATION FUNNELS: “..stiff-paper funnel that allows women to stand, with minimal undressing, when nature calls. Disposable after use. (ladies, our dreams come true, we get to STAND!!) figure it goes with the travel toilet tissue.
16. RESTOP: Disposable travel toilet. “for those ‘can’t wait’ emergencies… biodegradable filling absorbs & deodorizes urine on contact, in a sturdy bag that won’t leak or splash…includes tissues and antiseptic wipes.” goes with the travel toilet tissue. hmm, bag or funnel – more decisions!
17. GOING ABROAD: THE BATHROOM SURVIVAL GUIDE: a book for how to answer the call of nature; guess they may not know about the bags & funnels.
18. WOMEN’S (and MEN’S) DISPOSABLE BRIEFS (PKG OF 5): “made of soft, breathable polypropylene (hospital gown material)…” goes with everything above, but how comforting is polypropylene against your baby-soft skin????
Again, these were not meant to offend. I found them in Magellan’s catalog; the sad part is, I was beginning to seriously think about some of them!! (you guess which ones)