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Old November 9th, 2005, 11:40 AM
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Default I need help from my CM friends

Life has been very hard. We all had the stomach bug including 4 day old Isabella. She was admitted to the hospital overnight along with her mom <she was sick too> We are fine now, excpet myself. Have stomach pain again and I feel ill.>I suspect it's from stress>

Middle daughter was just again brought in at midnight by the police after running off again. She takes off to be with a girl and guy<18> She isn't going to school, won't get up. Our daughter at age 14 can't be dragged to school or any other function.We have tried everything.She is doing so many things wrong they are too numerous <and scary> to list them here.On top of that I am afraid she might be pregnant.
My CM friends I have been on here for years.Most know me somewhat. I am at the end and we do not know what to do anymore. We have looked into boot camp but it seems expensive<$4000 a month>

Does anyone have any ideas? The school told us today they will kick her out if she doesn't change. She does not care.She seems"obsessed" by that guy and girl....BTW the friend is 16,got kicked out of school last year for telling a teacher she would kill her, got pregnant twice, was in jail etc.She lives at home with her 18 year old boyfriend and her mother is a druggy<SP?> So there is no help coming from that family. What do I do?
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Old November 9th, 2005, 12:43 PM
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If in fact she is pregnant or even just "active" with an 18 year old I would look into having him arrested for statutory rape and contributing to the delinquency of a minor. Your daughter is not going to like that but what she likes is not important . She certainly is not old enough to be making these adult decisions. Has she been tested for drug use? If resul;ts are positive then yet another chip to play with the authorities and the 18 year old. If the mother in the other family is allowing this under her roof, get her arrested as well. She is contributing to the delinquency of a minor.
Do her siblings have any influence? Now is the time for them to pitch in and point out how destructive her behavior is. What kind of rights to "restrain" her behavior does the law in your state allow? Is there a youth officer on your local police department? They can be a valuable ally if you are proactive in seeking their help. What kind of programs does the department of social services or division of youth services (whatever it may be called in your state) offer? What kind of social and psycological programs are available through the school?
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Old November 9th, 2005, 01:09 PM
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When I moved from New York one of my new friends was an 18 year old girl (senior in High school as I was) and she was 4 years sober. Her parents finally hit the end of their rope with her she told me at age 14 (she had been at it since 11). It worked with her. They checked her into drug rehab. In Texas at least 17 years ago you could check your child into "Charter House" or drug rehab as long as they were under 18 years old without their consent. A friend of mine's (another one) mother did this to her to keep her from running away and my friend wasn't even doing drugs. Just an idea. Please watch out for your other children - the "good" child is sometimes a very hard place to be and not at all fare. I sure learned long ago that life wasn't fare - I paid too much for this cruise too - no fare!!! Had to end on a good note! Take care of you. Debbie
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Old November 9th, 2005, 01:26 PM
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It's time to get tough, Sue. Sit her down and tell her she will go to school or you will have her put away. Tell her after school she will come directly home or you will have her picked up. Tell her if she hangs around with those other characters you will have her picked up and her friends arrested. Tell her friends too, if they are with her when she is suppose to be home you will be calling the police to come pick her up and if there is any law they are violating they will be going to jail as well.

If she does well for a while, reward her with a night at the movies or something.

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Old November 9th, 2005, 01:45 PM
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Sue, I feel for you. My daughter, whom I haven't seen since she was 7, (her father won custudy, long story) Is your 14 year old. Hooked on heroine, at 14, First pregnancy scare, at 14.

At 16, she sent me an e-mail. She wanted me to tell her father that she was going to move in with me. Then the bombshell. She actually wanted to move in with her 20-something year old white activist, KKK, boyfriends in Idaho. I sent her father an e-mail and copied what she wrote to me. His reply was, Thanks. i'll look into it. three weeks later i get another email from him. SHe was sent to the psych ward, strung on some drug or another, possibly pregnant again, and has threatened to cut off her brothers "man parts". I haven't heard anything since. This has been 5 years now.

It is very hard for a parent to handle this situation. The more you tell the kid no, the more they do what you told them not to in the first place. I don't remember if you mentioned counciling or not, but sometimes that doesn't work. I know in some states, kids who act up in school, and have drug issues can actually be sent to a half way house for delinquents (sp) This tends to have pros and cons.

Sometimes they make it, but most often, they meet the wrong types. I have also, in my family, another long story, of a kid that age had the "scare of their life" put into them by a county sheriff. He drug the kid to jail, placed him in the holding cell with the hardest types arrested that day, and let them experience just where they are going. Of course he was watched like a hawk so nothing major or violent happened. after that they put him in a last chance school and he graduated. He is now in the military with a good outlook.

Might I also ask if your daughter has any types of medical issues that cause this? Bi-polar? or anything like that? sometimes the body's balance can be helped with the right medications, not that i advocate that.

And above all else, never, and i mean never, blame yourself. It really isn't your fault.
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Old November 9th, 2005, 01:53 PM
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Sue, All this makes me sick to read. I am so sorry you are having to go through this, and on top of that you probably feel alone. You need our support, but let's see if we can get you some help. You will need to call your local Tough Love group. They are usually held in churches or community centers. You need to go to the school, and talk to them until you have a plan. Your daughter can be kicked out of school, to protect others, but she must be educated some where, so ask them where that will be. We have a "boot camp" here for that age group, and it is funded by the state, and Fed. Check to see if your state has something like this. Your next step, is to law enforcement. They would rather deal with it now, instead of later when something more serious happens. Your daughter sounds like she is involved with drugs. You need to get your house checked for drugs, as well as your daughter. In the state of Texas, I have the right to take my kids to the emergency room to be tested, and if they refuse to go, a trip in a patrol car can be arranged. I agree with others, you must legally do something about these other kids and or adults your daughter is with. If you need me. E-mail and I will do what I can. I have been lucky so far, that I have not needed these services, but my kids know that I will, if need be.

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Old November 9th, 2005, 02:05 PM
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The school called my dh.They have now put her in another type of class at school where the kids are supervised around the clock. I always pick her up from school Thomas, she is never alone. She does not do drugs as far as we can tell. Last time she was at the hospital she got tested as far as I know.She had been in counceling <sp?>but now refuses to go. She just does whatever she wants to do and thinks she can get away with it.We had tried to press charges against him but the police told us until they have clear proof they can not arrest him. Last time the police caught her we asked them to keep her overnight for a scare tactic, they refused. The police has been very helpful and nice but there is only so much they can do too She seems in total bondage to that girl..thats the problem.
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Old November 9th, 2005, 02:51 PM
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Hi Sue, I haven't talked to you in ages. I'm sorry you are going thru this. When my daughter was 14 she started sneaking out of the house. I put a burglar alarm in the house to keep her in at night. If she opened a door or window it went off. She hated that but it stopped it cold. If you think she is pregnant, you need to have her checked out. You can buy the home preganacy tests as well as home drug tests. I hope they both turn out negative. You'll have to be tough and she may not like you for awhile but she will grow up and realize you only did what you had to do to keep her safe. When my daughter grew up she actualy thanked me for being so tough and not giving up.
Boot camps are very expensive but have you thought about a boarding school for the rest of the year? My son went to one for a year and it did wonders for him. the website is http://www.oneidaschool.org/ It is 495.00 a month and it is a Christian school and a working farm. The kids go to church everyday and also work on the farm. It might be good for her if she is taken away from the kids that she is getting into trouble with for awhile.
I'm here if you need to talk. You should still have my email. Stay strong.
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Old November 9th, 2005, 03:20 PM
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Sue.

Start with getting real answers to what you are dealing with. Find out if there are drugs, find out for sure if she is pregnant. You can not proceed without the truth. No more, "to my knowledge".

Then...

Don't quit. Don't say, been there, tried that. Even if you have you have to keep trying. Ask again and again till you get answers.

Truth is nobody here can advise you what to do. The problem is beyond, "get tough with her". You need professional help for your daughter, but I sense you already know that. The sources for that help are educators, police, lawyers, doctors. If the consolers are not helping. Find another. If the police do not help, go higher. Call the family doctor and get more numbers.

Please forget me if I'm wrong but I got the sense you are tired and at your wits end and ready to just quit. I don't blame you, but you can't. You don't have that option as a parent. You have support here. All that you want for you. All that you can take. But the issue with you daughter still has to be solved by you. You are the only hope she has. Don't give up. Don't settle. Don't let them beat you. Do not let them tell you no! You are strong.

These are the toughest years. Kids today live in a world that none of us really know. Any one of us could be in your shoes.

You have cried out for help and we are here. Know that!

Tina
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Old November 9th, 2005, 04:35 PM
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Sue:

Here in NH you can do a CHINS petition (Child in Need of Services) and the state will step in. They can charge you for the services though. I would make an appointment to see a lawyer where you live and ask for some legal advice. You might have to pay for an hour or two of his or her time, but at least you will know where you stand legally.

A "boot camp" or boarding school is also a good idea if you're not getting anywhere with her. One of our clients had to send her son to an intervention program for about 6 months. While it was expensive, it did work.

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Old November 9th, 2005, 04:39 PM
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Sue, I am so sorry that you are dealing with all of this now. I've read what everyone else has written, and it sounds like you have been given a lot of good advice. Don't give up on her, and don't give in to her. The first thing that came to my mind was drugs too. Please get her tested. Check her room and look in every nook and cranny too. I used to be against doing something like that, but I no longer feel that way. Early intervention is your best bet.

I really can't add to what the others have said. I am praying for all of you. Please continue to reach out for help. You've got my number too if you want to just call and vent.

Phyll
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Old November 9th, 2005, 05:02 PM
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Sue, Sorry to hear about the terrible time you are having with your middle daughter. I sure hope she gets help fast!
Also please talk to your younger daughter about 'things'. I am sure she is intently absorbing what has happened with your elder daughter and now what is happening with the middle one.
I don't have any advice, but I am wishing your whole family much better times ahead. Take care.
Brenda(Mum of a 14 year old daughter too)
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Old November 9th, 2005, 05:07 PM
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Another thing came to mind. A lady down the hall in the office building I work in - we have gotten to know each other and talk a lot. She took in her niece for 6 months and is raising her with her kids because she was in the wrong group of kids and out of control at her sister's house. Not her sister's fault but it did wonders to get her away from the environment - now she is doing well. She was suppose to go back home but they decided it was better if she stayed and finished school here in another year. Do you have any relatives that live far enough away that might be able to give her a change of scenery and freinds for a month or so and see if it helps??? Just an idea.. Debbie
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Old November 9th, 2005, 06:16 PM
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Sue,
You've gotten lots of good advice here....just wanted to let you know I'm keeping you and your family in my thoughts and prayers and hoping for the best for you.
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Old November 9th, 2005, 06:49 PM
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First I want to say to all you mothers out there my heart goes out to you. Being a parent is the toughest , rewarding and most importnant job in the world..you are molding our future leader and citizens.
With that said I agree with Luann get tough there should be government program to assist you and if she is pregnant definately persue statutory rape charges against this man( very disgusting) he need and men like him need to pay for their misuse of power when it comes to young girls...you do not know me yet but i like everyone else is here for you and good luck!!
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Old November 9th, 2005, 08:37 PM
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Dear Sue,

I can't add anything to what has been posted except that I'll be praying for you, your daughter and your family.
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Old November 9th, 2005, 09:36 PM
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I agree with Luanne Russo. You need to get in touch with the Tough Love people. Second you need a GOOD lawyer to prosecute those contributing to the delinquency of a minor. They need to be punished. I hope you will do these two things, but I don't have faith that you will.

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Old November 9th, 2005, 10:31 PM
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Sue, My heart goes out to you, I have been thru that myself. Won't go into it because it still upsets me after 25 years. Prayers for you and for your middle daughter. I hope and pray that she is not prenant or using drugs. Please listen to what we all are saying, you must do something now before it is too late. There are programs today they didn't have before to help these children.
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Old November 10th, 2005, 08:53 AM
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Sue--without giving to much details on this public forum, I will tell you that long ago, I was your daughter. Please believe me when I say that she is as scared and confused as you are. My parents tried many different things to "help" me but I needed to find a way to help myself. It took some time but I finally did. If you want to "talk" more PLEASE e-mail me.

I am reading all these posts as a parent but also as a 14 year old who has "been there, done that". Please hang in there and know that only time, love, patience, talking calmly and understanding will help your daughter and your family. This is not going to go away overnight, tomorrow, next week or even next month. I believe that after my experiences in my teenage years, it has made me a better person to those around me and a better parent to my kids. Know that I am here if you need someone who is looking at this through your daughters eyes and heart.

The one thing that I do ask of my CM family is, please do not judge me based on this post but continue to judge me by the person you have come to know previously. I thought very hard about posting on this thread but for the sake of Sue and her family I decided to. Thanks.

Edited to add after rereading---pregancy was never an issue in my case. Just wanted to clear that part up.
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Old November 10th, 2005, 09:24 AM
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Cheryl first of all thanks<<<hug>>> To the rest of my CM friends Thanks also. Linda I contacted the place and we are awaiting the papers to look it over. We are also looking into other places. She went to school today and the school e-mailed us that she has in house suspension today sounds like a pretty boring day to me > We will have another talk with her this weekend and will lay out the law. If she continues to do bad we will send her to boot camp or boarding school. If she is not ready by 710am I will not bring her to school anymore<already started that and it worked! > If she continues to stay at home we will take her TV out of the room <stereo is already out> and cancel her dish for her room.
She is a great kid but sees life like a bowl of butterflies. Time to grow up.I will never give up on her...I am her mother. I love her more than anything and will do everything in my powers to have her grow up as best as she can.

Judy your comment "I hope you will do these two things, but I don't have faith that you will. " was totally uncalled for.
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Old November 10th, 2005, 10:29 AM
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Sue, there's nothing I can say that hasn't been said already on this thread. You've received a lot of good and sincere advice, and it's now up to you to sort it out and take the best course of action that your head and heart tell you to.

My six daughters are all adults now and doing well, and none of them has ever caused us the concern that you are now facing. But that is only by the grace of God, as far as I'm concerned. I know you are a religious person, and that you will find your way through all of this as you have in the past. You, Rick and the children are all in our thoughts and prayers.

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Old November 10th, 2005, 11:10 AM
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Cheryl that was so sweet of you to post. I was trying to debate myself whether to mention I had grown up in a household with a brother out of control so I'd been on the other end but decided against it.

Prayers are going out to you sue and the main thing I'd like to add to all this is from a point of view of being there - this is not in any way your fault - some kids are like this and like was said - they may have to find their own way out with your help. Hang in there and prayers are on the way! Debbie
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Old November 10th, 2005, 11:29 AM
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Sue? sounds like you have already got the good advice from all the CM that I can not add to. So, I will just offer up a prayer for you and your family. That is the best I can do. I do support you and Rick in what you are trying to do . Good Luck.
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Old November 10th, 2005, 12:03 PM
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Sue, I don't have any advice to add but I'll offer my prayers.

Cheers,
Michelle P.
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Old November 10th, 2005, 06:35 PM
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Sue, I can't add anything to what has already been suggested but my prayers and well wishes are coming your way for you and all of your family. Hang in there kido,,,It's gonna take time,,,,
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Old November 10th, 2005, 07:16 PM
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Hi Sue,
If you push too hard, it may make her take off like I did. I was a problem for my parents when I was 17. Left the house as soon as I turned 18. I am sorry that I put mt parents through all of that but no one could reason with me at that age. My parents had my windows nailed shut and alarms put in. It didn't work but may work for you. I mean the tough love approach. Just let her know that I went through all that and looking back, it just wasn't worth it. I ran off and was using pennies to buy gas, no food to eat etc. It's just not worth the crap you have to go through to get away from your parents who she feels are controlling her life.
Keep in mind for your own sanity that she might hit a certain age and realize things aren't working for her. Then she will see you for who you are. The right place to be.
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Old November 11th, 2005, 08:57 AM
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Again, thanks for all the great posts<<<hug>>> One day at a time it is. The only thing that bothers me is that pregnancy thing. I don't think she is but I hate to wait until the end of the month..oh well
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Old November 11th, 2005, 10:10 AM
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Sue--you are correct in saying one day at a time. Another tidbit I can give from experience is if things are going good and she has a small slip up, be calm. Overreacting can cause the small slip up to be a big slip up. For every two steps forward there may be one step back. From the movie "What About Bob?"---BABY STEPS.

You are doing right by just being there for her. There is light at the end of her tunnel. She just needs to see it and move towards it. Believe me when I say, in time she will. God bless your daughter and your family. Know that I am here for you or her if need be.
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Old November 11th, 2005, 10:15 AM
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Sue you do not have to wait until the end of the month to find out if she is pregnant. I would buy a pregnancy test and make her take it. I would not want you to be stressed about it until the end of the month. Also, are you taking her to Germany with you. I hope so maybe the time away will do her and your family good. You may get a chance to have some nice talks with her.
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Old November 11th, 2005, 06:13 PM
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Yes, we are taking our kids to germany and I am also looking forward spending some quality time with her there to get away from all of this!
Nolou my dh always said that:For every two steps forward there may be one step back" Thanks!
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