Got this in an e-mail. Thought it was too funny not to share.
Thanks everybody !!
I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the one about
rat crap in the glue on envelopes because I now have
to use a wet towel with every envelope that
Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open
for the same reason. I no longer have any savings
because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is
about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.
I no longer have any money at all, but that will
change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill
Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for
participating in their special e-mail program.
I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's novena
has granted my every wish.
I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are
actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or
I can't enjoy a good Latte from Starbucks anymore
because they WOULD NOT send any coffee to that poor
Army Sgt who requested it.
I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though
I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.
Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get
answered if I forward an email to seven of my friends
and make a wish within five minutes.
Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola
because it can remove toilet stains.
I no longer can buy gasoline without taking a man
along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.
I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people
who make these products are atheists who refuse to put
"Under God" on their cans.
I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it
And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup
water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up
in my face...disfiguring me for life.
I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will
drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.
I no longer shop at Target since they are French and
don't support our American troops or the Salvation
I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask
me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill
with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and
I no longer worry about sudden cardiac arrest, since I
can now cough myself back to life instead of wasting
time calling 911.
I no longer have any sneakers -- but that will change
once I receive my free replacement pair from Nike.
I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus
since I now have their recipe.
Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine
because a big brown African spider is lurking under
the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my
Thank you too for all the endless advice Andy Rooney
has given us. I can live a better life now because
he's told us how to fix everything.
And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up
$5.00 I dropped in the parking lot because it probably
was placed there by a sex molester waiting
underneath my car to grab my leg.
If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000
people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with
diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM this
afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest
your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump.
I know this will occur because it actually happened to a
friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician, who is a lawyer.
The other day at the office we received a thick envelope from a local real estate office.
It contained a letter asking us to make copies of all the stuff and mail them to 20 people.
The letter was about sending business cards to a boy with a brain tumor who was trying to get into the book of world records.
I immediately recognized that it was one of those "urban legend" e-mail hoaxes. I checked it out on snopes.com to get all the facts.
Then I called the real estate office that sent us the letter.
Boy, were they embarrassed to have sent us that letter!
They had gotten involved when a local private school sent them the letter.
It was amazing to see how many businesses fell for the story.
*~* It's a jungle out there kiddies! Have a very fruitful day.*~*