I kinda liked these wise Zen sayings:
Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me for the path is narrow. In fact, just p&ss off and leave me alone.
No one is listening until you fart.
Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.
Before you criticise someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is probably not for you.
If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably well worth it.
If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.
A closed mouth gathers no foot...
There are two excellent theories for arguing with women. Neither of them works.
Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.
Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative at the same time.