I have heard many of thesde myself - some of them are actually really funny.
Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the “in-flight safety lecture” a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:
“As we prepare for takeoff, please make sure your tray tables and seat backs are fully upright in their most uncomfortable position.”
“There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane…”
“Your seat cushions can be used for floatation, and in the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments.”
“We do feature a smoking section on this flight; if you must smoke, contact a member of the flight crew and we will escort you to the wing of the airplane.
Smoking in the lavatories is prohibited. Any person caught smoking in the lavatories will be asked to leave the plane immediately.
Good morning. As we leave Dallas, it’s warm, the sun is shining, and the birds are singing. We are going to Charlotte, where it’s dark, windy and raining. Why in the world y’all wanna go there I really don’t know.”
Pilot – “Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land… it’s a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern.”
And, after landing: “Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride.”
As we waited just off the runway for another airliner to cross in front of us, some of the passengers were beginning to retrieve luggage from the overhead bins. The head steward announced on the intercom, “This aircraft is equipped with a video surveillance system that monitors the cabin during taxiing. Any passengers not remaining in their seats until the aircraft comes to a full and complete stop at the gate will be strip-searched as they leave the aircraft.
As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice comes over the loudspeaker: “Whoa, big fella…WHOA..!
“Here are a few heard from Northwest: “Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the overhead area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting children or adults acting like children.
As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses.
“And from the pilot during his welcome message: “We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry… Unfortunately none of them are on this flight. “
Some of the funnier ones I have heard go like this...
If you look above you there are buttons for your convenience - the one with the light bulb turns on the light for your reading.
The one with politically incorrect picture of a lovely figured young lady is for the flight attendant, formerly known as a stewardess, but this button does NOT turn the stewardess on so only use it if you really need something.
I was on a Comair flight last month. The flight attendant in the back of the acft said the safety brief. His voice sounded like a professional announcer at a ballpark. So, darned if he didn't give the full brief, then he went on to say: and now for our starting lineup. "In the front of the acft in the left seat we have our captain, Blah, Blah, Blah, it was pretty funny.
Freedom of the Seas Dec 11
Allure of the Seas: Jan 11
Voyager of the Seas: May 09
Splendour of the Seas: May 07
Explorer of the Seas: Jan 04
Majesty of the Seas Jan 99
Saw an article the other day about the strangest things Flight Attendants had been asked. I forget most of it but it included
Pas: Could the captain turn down the noise I can't get to sleep?
FA: You mean the engines?
FA: I'm sorry sir, we need the engines.
A Bad Day At Sea [with power] Always Beats A Good Day At Work
Carnival: Glory 2004, Destiny 2008, Splendor 2009, Freedom 2011, Valor 2012, Dream 2013
Celebrity: Summit 2011
Princess: Ruby 2010, 2014, Caribbean 2013, Coral 2014